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Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

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Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#191

Post by Kretinsky »

weeksie wrote: post #102
Kretinsky wrote: post #75

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Good luck lifting 50 times a day a 12kg todler while being in non-ergonomic positions and waking up 3-4 times during the night while having a productive work when you're in your 40's. And then, when they grow up, to keep up with them during physical activities, to teach and show them the way. It's possible, but it's much easier when you're in your 20's.

How old do you think 40 is? My god. Have you ever met someone in their 40s? Are you a child?

40 is older than 20. You then don't have the same resistance to stress, lack of sleep, muscles regenerate slower, and you often start to have health problems. Believe me, most parents have back problems at some point, especially if you're not sending your child to daycare.

No wonder, armies around the world won't hire a 40 years old, and prefer youngsters in their early 20's: their body is still intact.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#192

Post by tomp »

ysavir wrote: post #118
tomp wrote: post #101

Earlier quoted context omitted.

On the other hand, it's possible that one is simply "depressed" (sad) because one can't achieve ones goals. The solution, then, is to figure out a way to achieve them.

That is absolutely true. The question, though, is whether the OP's fixation on having kids _is_ a goal, or if it's just a manifestation of dissatisfaction with the status quo. They're at a stage in life where probably most of their friends and family (of their generation) are parenting. It's easy, when depressed, to look at others who you see as happy and ask, "what do they have that I don't?", and in this case, the…

> they focused more on their longing than their parenting

I never wanted to parent (that's simply a necessary constituent part), but I've always wanted to have kids, a family, a legacy, teach them, raise them, provide them a warm safe cozy family environment (that I remember from my childhood).

So far I'm very happy with the decision and 0% regret (only 10 months in though).

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#193

Post by tejohnso »

andrewstuart wrote: post #65

You're 40. It's not too late. You have discovered it is the most important thing to you. So do it . Do it. Take the actions needed to do what you want to do. And if you choose not to take those actions, or if you find it too hard to take the needed actions within the needed timeframe, then be content with not having kids. To be brutally frank, it's likely that one day you will part with your current wife, and then yo…

> Kids are the best thing in the universe

You hear things like this all the time. I think the people with this type of mindset are more vocal. But it is not a universal truth.

On the other side of the curve:

There are people who love and care for their dogs more than their children. I've heard people say this with honest tears running down their face.

There are people who completely abandon their children for many reasons, sometimes mental illness, sometimes not. Sometimes mental illness triggered by the additional burden of the child.

There are people who literally kill themselves after having children. It's extreme, but it's a fact. Obviously it's not the child's fault, but definitely not "best thing in the universe" for these people.

Children can be wonderful. They can also ruin you.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#194

Post by john61 »

karmakurtisaani wrote: post #77
nxmnxm99 wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If I was using Richard Stallman as a guidebook for my life, that would signal a particularly depressing existence.

It's strange to see you downvoted. I can't understand why anyone would treat RMS as anything but entertainment and occasionally curious ideas. I'd never take serious life advice from him.

Like it or not, RMS changed the world. In my opinion to the better.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#195

Post by locutous »

the_70x wrote: post #28

Sure you can have kids at 40 but I cannot imagine what an adventure is to deal with a teenager once you are 54-55 years old

One of the secrets to a relatively easy teenager is to be very active in spending time with them, and especially listen to your children when they are younger. Hear the fanciful stories and their young adventures and treat them with dignity and respect. They will reciprocate when they are older.

Parents who models ignoring them when small will teach them they shouldn't listen. That comes home to roost when they are older and become assertive of their place in the world.

Another is to carve out family time every single day. They will get wrapped up with friends and other things. You want family bonds that are stronger than ties with ephemeral friends, and that takes serious investment. We always have family dinner and discussions every night, with only very rare exceptions allowed.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#196

Post by TheCondor »

1. It is absolutely not too late, very slightly higher risk for autism and a higher risk for your wife, but very possible.

2. There is adoption and fostering, it’s seriously important

3. I’d unpack this with your wife and a therapist and not HN. Kids don’t fix what is broken, they amplify it. Further, if things aren't right, you’re not only screwed up but you can screw them up. ‘Expectation’ is kind of a dirty word for marriages and families, if you’ve made choices and expected things to be different you have to be open to the idea that your expectations weren’t yours to have, there are other people involved and you love them and want them to be what they are and not your idea or fantasy of what they should be. If the idea of it having kids was to live a certain way (travel, have money, etc..) Understand that kids are a never ending life of service, but it feels good.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#197

Post by greyman »

comboy wrote: post #119

You're not gonna read all these comments, are you? Hope you will still have luck, but in the meantime - sorry if it sounds harsh but seems like quickest way to communicate it - if you are not ok with yourself and with your life, I don't think you want to have kids. It's like a polish proverb regarding relationships: don't try to find a girl who will make you happy, find the happiness within yourself and then some gir…

> don't try to find a girl who will make you happy, find the happiness within yourself and then some girl will find that.

Ok, but let's admit it, this doesn't work universally. I know people who become much more happier after finding their partner.

Also, I have one kid, and yes, I am more happy with life after having it.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#198

Post by Kretinsky »

ne0flex wrote: post #84
Kretinsky wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

After 40, it gets much harder, as almost all women are subfertile at 40 and half of them are already sterile. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_and_female_fertility#/medi...

Still worth it to get checked out. My wife is also late-thirties. We consulted with an IVF doctor and he said that she her reproductive system is still similar to that of a 35yo woman (meaning that although there is increased risk, it's similar to that of a 35yo than a woman close to 40). Luck of the draw.

Of course if you're a 40 years old women, you can try, but I wouldn't tell a woman that "she can have babies after 40", since it's a very risky gamble, aside from the complications of birthing and pregnancy, and illnesses such as Down's syndrome, which are much more prevalent when the mother is older.
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