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Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

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Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#191

Post by em-bee »

vharuck wrote: post #100
bitshiftfaced wrote: post #31

Bring a large water bottle to the birth. Go to one of those newborn classes and learn how to change a diaper and swaddle at the minimum. (If applicable) split the night into two shifts to maximize uninterrupted sleep. Listen to your gut. You're ultimately responsible for your baby. If something doesn't feel right, then speak up and set boundaries with the other people in your life. Do it from the start, preferably. B…

>(If applicable) split the night into two shifts to maximize uninterrupted sleep. My wife still tells people about how grateful she was for me proposing this. We each had a guaranteed 6 straight hours of sleep: I slept 9pm to 3am, and she slept 4am to 10am. We used the hour between to update me on any concerns there might've been, but usually to watch TV together on the couch. For my advice, I swear by the Mayo Clini…

no matter what visitors claim, they did impose

this is probably very different for everyone, and is also culturally dependent.

i never felt that visitors were imposing, and i have even been couchsurfing with people who had infants. (they would not have offered to host, if that was a problem). it mostly comes down to the understanding that as a guest, you are not a priority. when we had guests, they would march right into the kitchen and make themselves useful, and otherwise hang around and chat without disturbing what else was going on.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#193

Post by sansjoe »

It's a 25 year (minimum) project. Make decisions and guide yourself patiently by the project's end goal of creating an intelligent, appreciative, caring, contributive and tolerant human being into this world. But like any long-term project, enjoy the journey, smell every rose and every stiff guinea pig or floating celestial goldfish along the way. Don't panic and crash - nor get overly enthusiastic about - any particular moment or new behavior or trend. You discover that the parenting story is an accumulation of a thousand phases of development. These phases, especially early on, can last as little as a couple of weeks. At onset, they create much anxiety in the new parent. But have confidence that they will always change into something new either more or less pleasing/frustrating. Certainly agree with the excellent sentiments shared above, reading, creating traditions, traveling. But consistency of discipline, values and emotions will always win in the long-term project goal. Just please don't be another parent who thinks their kids are the best, can do no wrong, and coddles the living shit out of future megalomaniacs. Other than that, should be a cake walk.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#194

Post by brucetim »

plasma_beam wrote: post #139
stef25 wrote: post #27

Find a way to spend quality time with your partner. Once the dust has settled try to book some time where it's just the two of you. Get a babysitter and go out together one night in the week. Often you're so focused on the baby that years can go by until you realise you've ignored your relationship and then it can be very hard to fix or get back to some normal / happy state. Same for your regular friendships. Maintai…

+1000 Came here just to say this. Aside from being a good parent, you have to focus on your partner and you (that is assuming you want to, if not the case then please disregard). Without that relationship being healthy, everything changes. It spiraled into divorce for me two years later. Doesn’t need to be much, but learn to even go on dates with the baby. You can, and it helps. Flying is also not that bad - if you c…

Always buy seats for your kids! Don't try to hold the baby on your lap; it won't end well for either of you :)

Seat belt extenders for larger fliers are invaluable for getting the car seat buckled in too!

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#195

Post by paulhodge »

itsmemattchung wrote: post #78
itsmemattchung wrote: post #46

An honest reflection of being a father for the last 2.5 years: 1. Sometimes for no apparent reason, you'll start crying 2. Parenting is a constant cycle of ups and downs 3. Ask for help (it really does take a village) 4. Friends and family (even with good intentions) will always find something to nit-pick about your parenting style 5. Having a child will test your relationship with your partner and reveal that you tw…

11. Your career will suffer Point #11 is not necessarily a bad thing. Having a child is a forcing function, requiring you to really prioritize what's important (and not important) in your life. All of us only have 24 hours in the day. All of us have limits. Also, be prepared that not all fathers (especially in the corporate world) will see eye-to-eye. My relationship with one of my mentors dissolved practically overn…

Another thought on careers, I think parenthood is also a good gateway into management level roles. You get practice being the boss at home and that skill translates. A lot of work problems are very similar to dealing with angry toddlers.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#196

Post by Freak_NL »

Xenoamorphous wrote: post #108
Freak_NL wrote: post #60

Not mentioned here yet, as this should be a no-brainer to most people, but if you're American and it's a boy: don't start his life by cutting of a perfectly good piece of penis (i.e., circumcision). That's his call, optionally (but probably not, rare medical conditions excepted) later in life. Don't do it just because the cornflakes guy said so. If you're going to do that anyway because of religion you won't be convi…

> Not mentioned here yet, as this should be a no-brainer to most people, but if you're American and it's a boy: don't start his life by cutting of a perfectly good piece of penis (i.e., circumcision). That's his call, optionally (but probably not, rare medical conditions excepted) later in life. Don't do it just because the cornflakes guy said so. Also if it's a girl there's no need to pierce her ears. She can do it…

Obviously not on the same level as genital mutilation, but yeah, this weirds me out too, and unlike circumcision this seems quite a global phenomenon (although seemingly limited to lower socio-economic demographics). There's a baby girl at our local kindergarten who has her ears pierced. It makes her look like a fashion accessory instead of a child.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#197

Post by denton-scratch »

ivv wrote: post #176

Spending more time outdoors makes it less likely the child will end up needing glasses. Learned that one too late. Also, people carry their childhood experiences with them for the rest of their lives, and these experiences are shaping a lot of their adult behaviors. It’s sobering to think that we as parents are responsible not only for a slice of someone’s life but for its entire trajectory.

> It’s sobering to think that we as parents are responsible not only for a slice of someone’s life but for its entire trajectory.

I don't agree (but I'm not sober!). Your kids will make their own lives, and their own mistakes. Once they're past 12, there's not a lot you can do to shape that trajectory.

My kids were stroppy and rebellious. One became a sort of underground environmentalist, the other became a rather conservative schoolmarm (which to me was a rebellion). They chose to be rebellious; I wasn't responsible for that (except possibly through genetics). At the time, I'd have preferred for them to be compliant, because it would have been more convenient. Now, of course, I'm glad that both my kids turned out to be assertive, confident adults that think for themselves.

Oh yes - kids turn into adults in about 15 years. By the time they're 20, they've either gone or they want to go. Raising kids will only ever be a small part of your life. Even if you find it hard, it's not a life-sentence.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#198

Post by kraftman »

I wrote this a week after our first:

Prepartum

- don't be afraid to call the hospital/go in before birth. At one point we were worried that the baby wasn't moving enough, at another point we thought labour might have started when it hadn't. Both times the hospital were more than happy to check things out, and it gave us peace of mind.

Labour

- you can do a huge amount as support person. I was led to believe that I would be essentially useless during the birth, but at least according to my wife that wasn't the case at all.

- eye contact and synced breathing during pushing helps your partner more than you know. I thought it was pretty daft but afterwards my wife said it was the only thing she was aware of, and she had no idea how fast she was breathing until I told her to slow down.

- question your healthcare staff. Ask them why, what are the risks, what happens if you do nothing. We were told that things weren't going as fast as they should as she was only 6cm dilated and needed oxytocin to move things along: we asked if it was safe to wait an hour and they said it was, we focused on moving round more and stretching the hips, an hour later she was fully dilated and ready to go.

- during the birth, your partner is not a sane, rational adult that you know and love, they need you to look after them. Imagine getting kicked in the balls for 10 hours: you're going to forget to eat/drink, and you're not going to respond well to questions. Remind them to drink, remind them to eat if they are hungry, remind them to move around to help drop the baby down into position.

- Get into support positions that you can maintain. Your partner could be pushing for hours, make sure that how you're holding them/supporting them is sustainable and you aren't hurting yourself. Follow the nurses lead with this, since they do it every day they have a bunch of positions that help the pushing while still being comfortable for them.

- I thought the Dr was being scarily rough with the babies head when it was coming out, but it was just wrinkled skin.

- there will be poo, no one will care

- take spare clothes in case you're there a few days

- take a pillow.

Postpartum

- your partners milk may not come in straight away, the baby may be too sleepy to eat. Prepare to supplement with formula for a bit, and pump to stimulate production. This tool will tell you where your baby needs to be weight Wise https://www.newbornweight.org/chart/

- related to the above: feeding is the priority, not sleep. After leaving the hospital we got told to let the baby feed as wanted, but all the baby wanted to do was sleep. I was pretty proud of taking the baby and letting my wife get some sleep until the next weigh in we found out the baby hadn't eaten enough, then I felt like shit.

- the only thing you can't do after the birth that your partner can is breastfeed, and if they pump you can do that too. Skin to skin contact rewires your brain, and it feels amazing. Since your partners chest smells like milk, the baby may sleep better on your chest instead too.

- Healthcare people can be a bit intense/insensitive. They have a tight schedule, they do this every day, and their main concern is the babies health. None of this is bad, but it can lead to them not being particularly tactful with you. Try and focus on what they are saying and not how they are saying it, and don't be too terrified.

Update now I have a 2 and 3 year old:

- Try and avoid holding your baby directly by your hands, it's easy at first because they are so light, but if you keep doing it as they get older you'll fuck up your wrists. Try and hold them nearer to your elbow. Bonus: when they are a bit bigger you can carry them and still have two hands free

- Always put a nappy (daiper) underneath the one you're about to take off, if there's a second wave you can quickly catch it.

Relationships (assuming you are in one, and your partner is the primary carer):

- Whenever you have a break, before you sit down, ask your partner if you can do anything for them. Remember that breastfeeding/bottle feeding isnt a break for them because they're sitting down with a quiet baby; they're stuck with the baby until it's finished: ask them if they need a drink, or food, etc.

- Stay on the same team. It sounds bad but treat it like you and your partner vs the baby, never like your partner and baby vs you. The baby's goal is to take up all your free time and sleep and make you resent each other, your goal is to help your partner get enough rest, stay sane and feel human.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#199

Post by christophilus »

Don’t feel guilty if you lack any of the Hollywood feelings and emotions. I didn’t feel the warm fuzzies the first time I held my kids. I didn’t even particularly like or enjoy them until they were able to move and interact a lot more (3 months, maybe?)

Also: two books that I found most helpful: Happiest Baby on the Block and Simplicity Parenting.

YMMV. It’s quite different for everyone.

Edit: if you’re like me, you’ll pack on the pounds in the next 5 years. I’m working out regularly now and feel / look much better. I wish I’d done that from the start.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#200

Post by paulhodge »

In the newborn phase: sleep is hard. Mindfully try to get your sleep whenever possible. Long term sleep deprivation is really brutal on the body and mind.

In general: Kids thrive on consistency. If you're a gamer than think of it this way: You are now an NPC. Your role is to show up every day, keep them fed and healthy every day, give them their quests, and then stand back and give them the opportunity to be the hero.

Also a really specific tip I would give myself: Don't introduce iPads at all. I'm not against screens, I would just suggest bringing in more wholesome gaming like a Switch or 2DS or maybe even a Steam deck. The problem with the iPads (and Androids too) is that the App store is a dumpster fire of trashy microtransaction and lootbox based games, many of them deliberately designed to manipulate children. Hopefully a lot of those patterns are made illegal soon.

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