191–200 of 339 posts
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That's pretty good advice except for the part about kids. This planet is screwed and it's not kind to introduce any new humans to the horrors we face.
https://astralcodexten.substack.com/p/please-dont-give-up-on...
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As a twenty three year old. I'm curious to know more. why take on responsibility through having children? Why not pickup any other type of responsibilty? like, community service, tutoring/helping kids from less fortunate places or in the worst case even Picking up more responsibility from work? Is it more of a genetic thing where it makes the pain of responsibility more pleasurable? I'm even more curious to know if y…
Because the evolutionarily programmed rewards from parenting will typically outweigh the rewards from general altruism. Your child becomes the most important thing in the world by default, which can flip all sorts of joy and fulfillment triggers in your brain that are difficult to flip in that way via other means. Having children is your genetic purpose, so much of our biology is driven to that end, thus it would fig…
I’m not trying in any way to change your mind but I want to say that this is only an opinion.
If you are ready to have kids, those costs are pretty easy to support. As you said, you are biologically programmed to support them (the costs).
I would die without a fear if my son’s life depended on it, and still I’m far from suicidal.
It’s just that, your brain naturally accepts the costs. Even if we are only talking about not being able to go that random party you would never miss before. You will be annoyed, for sure, but you’ll be granted with what you’ll live instead.
But I do think there is something that triggers in your brain starting from the moment when you want a child and it looks like it’s lasting a lifetime.
However, I would never recommend having children to anyone who don’t want them for any reason. Chances are that it turns out to be nice. But I wouldn’t take the risk. I see a lot of children whose treatment by their parents makes me really sad for them. The last thing a toddler want is to feel like a burden. So, better not create yourself this burden.
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Maybe it's time to look into hopping jobs? Maybe something with better work/life balance?
Definitely. I was poking the job market for a long time, but here is the thing: I made several stupid decisions in my life, and I don't have higher education nor decent papers. I have the most professional experience in sales (maybe not in the traditional sense), but I fear to end in a worse place. In the current place I have, at least, good autonomy and interesting technology. Alternatively, I could go work as a CNC…
I can see how it would feel weird venting in a forum like this. I think one of the benefits of a therapist is that you also develop a sort of relationship; they have a better grasp of your context and history over time and that allows for more targeted support than whatever offhand/generic wisdom people on a forum might provide.
For me, the special part is truly viewing any job as just that: a job. I no longer assess my worth as a person as a function of job title, salary, or anything else. I take contracting work primarily and expect absolutely nothing more than a paycheck. Work is a transaction and I deliver what I can and am not a jerk. Almost every disposable penny goes toward physical fitness. My spouse happens to be cut from the same c…
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And for those who are able, getting married and having children will tend to bring even more fulfillment than becoming a clown.
I’ll just chip in as someone who has never ever wanted kids, who met a lovely girl who was so thankful to also meet someone who has never ever wanted kids. So just because you’re ‘able’ doesn’t mean that you should. Just wanted to put this here in case others think they’re weird for really, really not wanting kids. You’re not.
Having kids is by far the most life constraining thing you can do. Don’t do it unless you want to be a parent! I have two kids and my life is unrecognizable from what it was before. I enjoy my new life but it is 85% dad, 15% old me.
I would recommend the general area of making sacrifices and servicing others in some form. I think that is a big part of the “spiritual” fulfillment of parenting. I used to be so much more self centered. But now I get up every day thinking how to make the lives of my kids and the world better, rather than “what would my lizard brain enjoy today “
For me, the special part is truly viewing any job as just that: a job. I no longer assess my worth as a person as a function of job title, salary, or anything else. I take contracting work primarily and expect absolutely nothing more than a paycheck. Work is a transaction and I deliver what I can and am not a jerk. Almost every disposable penny goes toward physical fitness. My spouse happens to be cut from the same c…
How do you mean you spend money on physical fitness? It does sound like a great investment.
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As a twenty three year old. I'm curious to know more. why take on responsibility through having children? Why not pickup any other type of responsibilty? like, community service, tutoring/helping kids from less fortunate places or in the worst case even Picking up more responsibility from work? Is it more of a genetic thing where it makes the pain of responsibility more pleasurable? I'm even more curious to know if y…
I have two young children. I'm objectively less happy than I used to be, mostly because I lost the freedom to do whatever I wanted and the time to do whatever I wanted, on top of gaining all of these new stressful responsibilities, and I've always liked to travel, be productive and create things. That said, when I look back at how I was using that freedom and time, it wasn't very efficient, but even if I optimized my…
For data points, while I’m tired as fuck all year I’ve never (maybe as a child) smiled so much as when my new infant tries to constantly get my attention and then giggles when she does.
For me, the special part is truly viewing any job as just that: a job. I no longer assess my worth as a person as a function of job title, salary, or anything else. I take contracting work primarily and expect absolutely nothing more than a paycheck. Work is a transaction and I deliver what I can and am not a jerk. Almost every disposable penny goes toward physical fitness. My spouse happens to be cut from the same c…
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> why take on responsibility through having children? Why not pickup any other type of responsibilty? like, community service, tutoring/helping kids from less fortunate places or in the worst case even Picking up more responsibility from work? The other day I was flicking through my notepad in my home office and found hand written notes from my 6 year old daughter saying how much she loved me. Yes kids are a massive…
I'm not sure you'd get quite the same from the things you listed, perhaps a little...? The note from your daughter, while sweet, can also come from those you help. For example, sponsoring a childrens school in India, or mentoring an orphan through a Big Brother program. I think the main point here is you are in service by helping others, instead of focusing on yourself.
Happiness needs to be experienced. Explaining what it is or how it feels is of low value. The problem is that happiness is directly linked to unhappiness. It's like notes and pauses: if we remove pauses from a melody, the melody turns into a "sound" that doesn't give us any pleasure.. it's not music.
So to experience happiness, we need to experience unhappiness for long stretches of time.
All this to say that happiness shouldn't be the end-goal IMO. Meaning makes more sense as an end-goal. If we can live "meaningful" lives, happiness could be a byproduct. Being happy is easy but transient (e.g. eating ice-cream can make someone happy). Finding "meaning" is difficult but way more permanent than "happiness".
I would separate career from "meaning" though. The two rarely go along and I also like to think that myself and everyone else is more than a "career".