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Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#181

Post by unrestifarian »

A lot like your situation the tables have turned - my wife has made partner and now making 2x my tech salary.

Since before we were married we've each made a relative contribution to a joint bank acct and it's worked fine. (e.g. we both put 70% of our income in one pot). I like this approach because it's a balance of 'whomever can afford more, pays more', but also it allows for individual reward for someone working his/her butt off (e.g. if someone gets a huge bonus). I see it has a good hybrid approach.

For years, I was putting in more income as the higher earner and now the tables have turned. :)

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#182

Post by jd_illa »

I used to out-earn my husband but after taking the step towards starting my own biz, he is the primary (read: only) financial contributor to our household. He's incredibly supportive, but the change has been really hard for me. I feel guilt, I feel like it's "his" money. One thing that has helped immensely is we do a Sunday evening discussion on finances. We track our budget, chat about spending, make goals. IMO, marriage should be a commitment to share finances. Taking steps to normalize that is a bit harder; so highly recommend making it part of your routine to talk about spending habits, budget goals, etc.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#183

Post by aprdm »

KronisLV wrote: post #124
telman17 wrote: post #3

I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. We have a budget and try to stick to it and have occasional vacations or upgrade something in the house. When it comes to finances we are a single unit and…

> I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. This probably works nicely if you find the right person - someone who has both spending habits that are reasonably similar to yours and when the relation…

What difference would it make in case of a divorce? hint: None

And about the first one.. I don't see how people could decide to have a life together with that sort of difference. IMO seems pretty hard to be aligned on world views when someone is more frugal and the others love fancy stuff.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#184

Post by scarface74 »

Kon-Peki wrote: post #170
scarface74 wrote: post #103

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My parents are 78 and 80 years old. They have been married 53 years and my dad took my mom to his high school prom. They retired at 55 and 57. They have always had separate accounts and coordinated spending. It’s not because of lack of trust. They’ve been on the same page financially since day one. Neither of them had anything but their own cars when they first got married.

My parents celebrate 50 in a few months. Having separate accounts is a major factor in them staying together. But! It was horrible growing up in such a family situation. I hated it.

It is about coordination. When you have two people constantly withdrawing from the same account - especially before the days when you could just look at your account online - it’s easy to overdraw. You know exactly what’s in your account when you’re the only person withdrawing from it.

Especially with my dad doing shift work where he was working different hours every week

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#185

Post by KronisLV »

aprdm wrote: post #183
KronisLV wrote: post #124

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. This probably works nicely if you find the right person - someone who has both spending habits that are reasonably similar to yours and when the relation…

What difference would it make in case of a divorce? hint: None And about the first one.. I don't see how people could decide to have a life together with that sort of difference. IMO seems pretty hard to be aligned on world views when someone is more frugal and the others love fancy stuff.

> What difference would it make in case of a divorce? hint: None

Depends on the country and local laws, I'd wager. Regardless, it's probably a good idea especially before a marriage has happened, though lots of people rush into getting married nowadays.

> I don't see how people could decide to have a life together with that sort of difference.

The fact of the matter is that some things can reveal themselves later in the relationship and having joined finances too quickly is probably a mistake. The hard part is that you can't really gauge when you have the other person figured out, e.g. the whole "rose tinted glasses" period that may drag on long into the relationship.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#186

Post by dougmwne »

ericmay wrote: post #175
schwartzworld wrote: post #173

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Having split finances doesn't necessarily mean going Dutch on everything. When my wife made more than me, she carried more of the bills. Now that I earn more, I carry a bigger percentage of the necessities. We're still a team, but we have our own bank accounts.

I interpreted split finances as each person pays "their half". If your spouse who presumably makes more than you (not you specifically) pays a lot more and backstops purchases, having your own bank accounts is more of a habit than a practical necessity right? We used to have our own bank accounts too, but then I or my wife would transfer money to one another and we eventually just asked "what's the point of that?" if…

Half is basically impossible. That’s not what people mean at all when they say split finances. It means that people retain their own personal money in some form instead of it fully being community property. I would consider having a joint account that’s only used for regular expenses to also be split finances if people have their own savings and investments.

The ratio of the split floats around for us, usually depending on income and desire to pay. The important part is that my money is mine and in my name. If I want to spend it on caviar or video games, good for me. If he wants to spend his on a new car, cool. If he wants money for that car he knows he can ask and probably get it, but then I get an opinion too.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#187

Post by citizenpaul »

downut wrote: post #46
telman17 wrote: post #3

I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. We have a budget and try to stick to it and have occasional vacations or upgrade something in the house. When it comes to finances we are a single unit and…

42 years in and it is still one pot of money. My wife makes the money now, and has for 15 years. But we have swapped a half dozen times over the years. For instance when the child was born and she took 3 years off, or I got a relocation and she took a few years off. I can cook and clean and do all the work around the house and whatever meta overhead needs to be done, so it has worked out fine. Right now she is sick o…

I think you are understating the value of having a similar mindset. If I gave my SO full access to my money we would be broke in a week. She is utterly incapable of controlling her spending. Oh that $6000 couch we bought two years ago got a scuff so I got a new one. Its cool they gave me a $500 credit on the $8000 couch I replaced it with so it was basically free... Long term planning is not even possible for her, she spends ever dime she makes. Every lump of money has a list of earmarks that are already spent before she gets it saved.

I guess my point is perhaps it is less the separate bank accounts and more the incompatible mindsets that lead to the divorce.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#188

Post by account-5 »

I find the whole married with joint account only, and the they have their bills and I have mine weird.

We have a joint account where all our bills come out of. We each pay in enough money to cover those bills. Anything left over, in our personal accounts, we can spend as we see fit.

No theirs/mine bills and with separate accounts. It leads to no arguments, recriminations, or jealously. I don't particularly care my wife is more senior, earns more, and has way more personal money than me (I come from a very poor family and any money I've accrued is down solely to me, she's money from her family). At no time do I think of her or my money as ours, I only care that our joint bills get paid and that we equally cover them.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#189

Post by maratc »

We have separate accounts each, and an additional joint account. When salary arrives to either one of us, half of the sum goes to the joint account. The joint account money pays for the family and household expenses (mortgage, food, kids, etc.). The other half that's left is spent according to the consideration of whoever has it.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#190

Post by oliwarner »

agent008t wrote: post #162
silisili wrote: post #88

When you are married, there is no 'her money' or 'your money'. There is just your collective money. I'd take such squabbling as a huge, waving, in your face red flag. Evaluate it carefully. Question why one would want money they don't want the other touching. Is she planning to live large while you beg for money under an overpass? Or is she thinking of a future without you? Because those are pretty much the two scena…

Suppose your wife did get a job. Would the money she earns also go into the same collective pot? Would that not be somewhat demotivating / mess up the incentives for her? Also, it seems in your kind of a scenario it would be difficult to avoid the 'unlimited vacation policy'-type problem, where ultimately it is still at the final discretion of one party. So realistically, there is still some portion of the pot that s…

Mess up the incentives for her?

Money is nice but if you have enough of it, it's an awful reason to put yourself through hell.

If you have the option, do work that motivates you to do more. Hang the money. You'll be much happier.

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