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Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

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Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#181

Post by cj »

thih9 wrote: post #172
cj wrote: post #164

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Quoted post unavailable.

> But none of those drugs will result in the long-term change that you’re looking for. Grandparent states: “and then realized that if I could do that with a drug then I could probably do it without a drug. (I haven’t done e in over a decade).”

I don’t think taking MDMA is a prerequisite to realizing that you can become a different person.

If one is to take drugs for that purpose, LCD or mushrooms would be much better - insofar as safely realizing that your day to day cognition is not as static as you might assume.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#183

Post by laurent92 »

varrock wrote: post #80
akhmatova wrote: post #23

Throwing myself out there, getting rejected and snubbed otherwise slapped around a lot .. until I slowly started to figure out how to observe "normal, healthy" people and learn from them. Among the things we learn is -- that we are much more "plastic" (and able to change by sheer force of will) than we initially thought. Things like hygiene, posture, clarity of speech (such that people can at least understand us) and…

Ironically, I have done exactly the two tips you mentioned, and I can confidently say that my life has changed drastically. In fact, so much so, that when I catch up with people who knew me even two years ago, they usually make a comment. One thing I was initially afraid of when deciding to move was “running away from my problems” only to realize I’m in the exact same situation as before. Well, that was actually very…

If it took only 2 years, it was easy. I’ve travelled around the world and did most of the possible side quests, including the workout phase, the guitar phase, the charity/vegan phase, the millionaire phase, and I’m still transparent to women. And I’ve grown bitter.

I did everything I could. I’d say “please, help” but to be honest, I’ve grown too bitter to hear the advice. It’s a game designed to make me lose, I’m neither BALM nor female, so they just want to exclude me.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#184

Post by ajuc »

Some tricks that helped me:

- practice in situations with low stakes (for example there are social situations where everybody meet for a short time and never again - these are perfect cause even if you panic and make a scene - it's no big deal - for me it was fantasy conventions - added bonus is that there's stuff to do and a lot of people there are awkward too)

- practice the part you can deal with first (for example I had problems with home parties because at the beginning there will be only a few people and talking with them would put a lot of attention on me which I found hard back then - so I would go to bathroom for a moment and go back when others started talking about something and the attention was shifted - this made it much easier to just experience talking with random people without having to deal with the hard part at the beginning)

- after you're fine in one context - challenge yourself in other contexts (I still have some situations I never practiced or that last happened when I was still the weird teenager in high school - and I can be very awkward in these situations which usually takes me by surprise - but they happen very rarely now)

- expose yourself on purpose - ultimately the goal is to be able to behave naturally without pretending to be someone else. When you're feeling good enough with someone - telling some of the "awkward stories" is a good way to get there - you show them your real self and "disarm" them preventively (vast majority of people won't attack you about stuff you share with them as a funny story even if it's really weird).

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#185

Post by bbertelsen »

There is no skill on this earth that we can't become proficient in with practice. Stop thinking about interpersonal interactions as if they are some "innate" class of knowledge, they aren't! Drawing, painting, carpentry, programming, sport, there is no mysticism or innate ability. Obviously everyone has their own advantages more beautiful, more athletic, smarter, faster thinker, better hand-eye coordination, but not one of these advantages is a replacement for PREPERATION AND PRACTICE.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#187

Post by convolvatron »

scarmig wrote: post #19

Not saying this is the best approach and it won't be a popular opinion, but drugs--particularly alcohol--were key to me breaking out of my shell.

i already had a problem. but i took it to the dive bars and learned quite a bit about how to be human. of course eventually I had to quit everything, and while i know how to hang out with people now...i kind of don't want to anymore

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#188

Post by rubyfan »

I noticed a strong correlation with being more comfortable talking especially to strangers after I quit coding. It took a while for my brain to rewire but it’s much better not being a coder anymore.

Based on my own anecdote of 1, I believe there’s a strong correlation between living inside your own head and feeling awkward in mixed scenarios.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#189

Post by kaba0 »

akhmatova wrote: post #23

Throwing myself out there, getting rejected and snubbed otherwise slapped around a lot .. until I slowly started to figure out how to observe "normal, healthy" people and learn from them. Among the things we learn is -- that we are much more "plastic" (and able to change by sheer force of will) than we initially thought. Things like hygiene, posture, clarity of speech (such that people can at least understand us) and…

I would be very interested in any tips regarding improving one’s speech skills. I am way too prone to talking too fast to the point where I have sometimes trouble forming words and any like “I didn’t get that” makes me more anxious increasing my rate of mistakes.

But strangely it largely creeped up to me when I was around 20ish years old, while my teenage anxiety largely diminished.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#190

Post by _3u10 »

laurent92 wrote: post #183
varrock wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ironically, I have done exactly the two tips you mentioned, and I can confidently say that my life has changed drastically. In fact, so much so, that when I catch up with people who knew me even two years ago, they usually make a comment. One thing I was initially afraid of when deciding to move was “running away from my problems” only to realize I’m in the exact same situation as before. Well, that was actually very…

If it took only 2 years, it was easy. I’ve travelled around the world and did most of the possible side quests, including the workout phase, the guitar phase, the charity/vegan phase, the millionaire phase, and I’m still transparent to women. And I’ve grown bitter. I did everything I could. I’d say “please, help” but to be honest, I’ve grown too bitter to hear the advice. It’s a game designed to make me lose, I’m nei…

It’s not about them it’s about you. Do things for you, not them.

If you still insist on making it about them do everything women complain about that’s not illegal, except dick pics, unless you’re hung.

I’d recommend pairing the millionaire thing with bringing a couple grams with you to party. Everything else you described sounds like incel stuff.

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