I just started reading Lighter - Yung Pueblo. He sort of went through exactly the same thing + drugs. I think reading it could be a really good inspiration and advices source.
Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
171–180 of 767 posts
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#172Earlier quoted context omitted.
I have found online services to be OK when I was struggling with a difficult time. Mindbloom, Betterhelp, and Cerebral were fine for what they were. They got me through the first steps for a slight cost. After that, momentum builds. There's no silver bullet.
FWIW, my experiences with betterhelp were absolutely terrible. I had a therapist ghost me, and another one that would respond with answers so generic I would’ve been better off talking to a chatbot (I sort of suspect that’s what I was doing).
I am not surprised. I had to switch therapists a few times. Ultimately I started to remember my self care strategies and stopped seeing a therapist. Though the medicine is a big help.
I still believe that any therapist is better than none, because it forces you to do something, which will change the narrative from "it's hopeless" to " I'm working on it just haven't found the right match". That shift alone is worth the cost.
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#173Earlier quoted context omitted.
How do u find a therapist? I’m a bit weary to discuss super personal things with someone I don’t know even if they’re a professional. How can I find someone I trust and is actually good? Not like the movies where the clock is up and ok next issue. My work offers a mental health service but I’ve looked at their TOS and no thanks. Sometimes I feel like just suspending the world background process and being still would…
There is no harm in trying out therapists. Don't be afraid to fire them and find a new one. They shouldn't take it personally. Much of it is about fit and you need to find the right person for you.
The worst therapist I ever had referred me to the best therapist I ever had. If a therapist gives a shit about you, they'll help you find a better fit.
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#174No post body was provided.
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#175Earlier quoted context omitted.
I second that, I would suggest move to a larger city and get a job and therapist there (looks like the OP is from Germany, which I would personally prefer to US). And regarding to life goals, wife and kids in particular, although I have decided not to have a family, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I think there are many single mothers out there who would appreciate a stable and solid partner with 2nd inco…
One thing to note is that while Germany is much better if you need social services, it's much easier to move between classes in the US. It's very hard to move up in German society without the right social circles which are also much more exclusive than in the US or London. That said, while therapy is one thing(and very hard to find someone that actually helps you out of your misery instead of reinforcing it), I'd may…
That last bit probably applies to most countries, not just Germany. Though keep in mind that’s a judicial process triggered by doctors and enforced by police, most people killed by police are in that “bracket” and nobody gives a flying fuck about it.
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#176Hey, I'm your age and just having my first child, we just weren't ready before. "The prime of your life" is still ahead of you - the next decades will be what you make of them.
Buy nice clothes, find a woman willing to settle down - this will be much easier in your home country, where you are still likely a catch. In parallel, get up to date to some programming language/tech stack. Work 6 months on these issues using the money you have, then take your new wife to USA if she wants it and get a well paid tech job.
You need to put in the work for all of these issues to get solved. Grind, improve yourself, and you will be tired and eventually happy. The goals you set - wife, kids, basic life - are easy to achieve if only you are in the right state of mind. Conversely, if you practice self-defeating thinking, they will seem impossible.
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#1771. You need to see a therapist. It will help you immensely and probably isn't that expensive. It wasn't for me. With a decent therapist, it'll start paying for itself by the second or third visit.
2. Know that the rest of us your age have or are going through the same thing as you. I figure it's our mid-life crisis. Maybe we need a private support group Discord or something.
Me personally, I've detached from it. I don't ignore it. I recognize what it is and evaluate it's lessons, but I don't allow it to affect my core state, sometimes that's hard, but I work to get back on track as soon as possible.
I got married and had (three kids) late in life. It's not too late for you at 43.
3. Family deaths are a natural part of our lives as we get older.
4. It sounds like you've had an accomplished life. You've accomplished a good education and an advanced-level career.
I've had the same exact thoughts myself, and then one time, I listed out all the many accomplishments or neat things I've experienced in my life and I kinda keep that as a reminder.
5. Know that whether the best of your life is behind you is up to you.
Get therapy and get back on track. You need to take action immediately, without delay, not after the holidays and find a therapist with decent reviews and commit to one visit right now.
PS: For those even older people reading: you can turn your life around at 50, 60, 70, or 80, as well. Life is a gift -- even the hard parts, enjoy it, until you can't.
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#178Earlier quoted context omitted.
Is therapy better in Germany? I live in Hamburg and the waiting list is more than a year for therapy. I was under the impression that it is somewhat faster in the US When I lived in the UK they wouldn’t offer me even a waiting list
I've been able to get a therapist appointment within a few days in the US.
I think the US has a stronger therapy culture. It reminds me of how in the US pain relief medicine is much more common, while in Germany a lot of people won’t even take paracetamol
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#179This is above HN's paygrade. International Suicide Crisis Hotline directory: https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines If you are posting this kind of message on HN then you're at a point that you can call for a 1-1 chat. There are people who can listen. Don't rely on social media to do this.
I recall that this hotline basically just calls your local authorities and prevents you from being a danger to yourself by having you committed to a mental health facility. Sub-optimal.
Seems like unnecessary shade to throw on the helpline. There was a viral thing a bit ago making rounds on social media accusing them of it but its far from reality. There are like 50k of 3 million calls a year that result in contacting the authorities, but its extreme scenarios.
Its a rare thing and highlighting it as the default scenario is spreading FUD and possibly keeping people from getting the help they need. It is true though that if you call and describe an immediate plan to kill yourself there is some legal, ethical, and liability requirements that mean they will call authorities. Exact same thing if you tell your doctor or therapist.
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#18043's a great time to reinvent yourself. You don't have to look at your progress on the plan you probably put together for yourself in your late teens/early 20s (engineer / wife /kids).
Let's talk about steps:
> There are no mental health facilities in the small town where I live. I let my professional network decay and die, and there is literally nowhere else I can get any kind of useful, actionable advice.
(1) Get out of that town. Both problems you have are easily solvable with moving a few hours away from where you are now. Find a therapist, find professional meetups/orgs/etc.
> I had all the desires of a regular guy: a wife, kids, a house, meaningful work, etc. I mean I still do, but I guess I'm too late for the first few.
(2) Frankly, work on just one of those (hint: start with a girlfriend, figure out wife later; you actually have plenty of time, and the standards drop as your competitive pool shrinks). The others will come a lot easier. See #1 for how to make that situation easier.
> With every passing day, I am becoming more bitter, angry and disillusioned. I don't want to live like this anymore,
(3a) Part of that sounds like grieving. I'm guessing on this part: did your dad provide you some of your motivation and direction? If so, that's a second loss.
(3b) What are you doing for fun? Do more fun stuff. This isn't frivolous, it's survival. Men in their 40s (I'm one too) forget to actually enjoy their lives. You have time, and you have health, and you have necessity for it. Your depression justifies more effort in enjoying yourself.
So, as you're asking for advice, I'll give it. Move. Move somewhere that has good therapeutic, social, professional, and recreational potential. BTW: it's more important to go where there's people than somewhere with good rental prices. Suck up a crap apartment to have fun again. The nice thing about renting is that you can rent somewhere else a short time later.
If you want really good advice that I'll probably get flamed for: Get a motorcycle. There's an old saying that you don't see motorcycles parked in front of therapists' offices. Riding is pure meditation and you don't need to have any friends at all to enjoy. It also makes you more interesting and respectable. As you're in your 40s and a professional, a BMW GS is kinda presumed (I also have one).