Ask HN: Advice about aging parents • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#171

Post by pkrotich » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 7:36 PM UTC

notacoward wrote: post #170

globular-toast wrote: post #167

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The negatives are all constructed by the financial system, though. People need two incomes because everyone else has two incomes (two incomes are also usually more tax efficient than one big one). Why aren't people financially stable in their 20s? They're literally in the prime of their lives. Much less likely to fall ill etc. Essentially everyone has to delay their lives until later because everyone else is delaying…

> The negatives are all constructed by the financial system There are two answers to that. (a) So what? Financial realities are still realities, and impose yet other realities on those who live them. And those realities are not going to change in any conceivable short or medium time frame. (b) It's not all financial. Time, energy, maturity are all factors too. I happen to believe the vast majority of 20-somethings ar…

I’ll concur to a point on financials - but older generation got married at 19 and had stable families, so it’s not truly about responsibilities.

I think the idea of career first is a bigger factor and also we now live in a false “construct” of true love and everyone is waiting on or looking ideal mate.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#172

Post by nikisweeting » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 7:39 PM UTC

dsizzle wrote: post #168

crispyambulance wrote: post #101

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One major thing you have to worry about with octogenarians is falls. There are all sorts of injuries related to falls but the worst one is to break a hip. It can happen very easily. When old folks break a hip, it sets off a chain of consequences that are really, really bad for their health and quality of life. To begin with, it immediately requires hospitalization and major surgery. Then, a period of immobilization s…

Yes, a fall also was the beginning of the end for my uncle. My mom also had a (non-hip-related) fall and that resulted in a hospital and nursing home stay (fortunately she seems to have recovered for the most part). I read this illustrated aging-parent-focused autobiography lately https://www.theguardian.com/books/2014/jul/13/cant-we-talk-a... (by Roz Chast, a New Yorker cartoonist) and it was very much about these i…

There are auto-inflating airbag belts that protect the hips for seniors during falls. I think the tech started in motorcycle racing then became available for cyclists, and is finally available for seniors now.

Here's one company I found but I think there are others offering solutions too: https://en.helite.com/hipguard/

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#173

Post by ilaksh » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 7:49 PM UTC

Possibly the hardest part of my life. Almost all of the other family members decided they were not going to try to help. Mother did not really want help taking care of father, resorted to yelling sometimes when he couldn't move and she didn't have the strength. She insisted on lifestyle choices that accelerated her death and refused medical treatment that could have extended it. After she passed, still close to zero help from most family members taking care of father or hiring help.

That type of behavior, crawling up the stairs, is not rational. If you have funds, I would start by looking for help such as on https://care.com. If you are lucky you may be able to find someone who can convince him to stop.

It's easy to say, but you can try insisting, or even physically blocking off the stairs. And if having hired help around the house does not seem like enough, do not feel guilty about putting him in some type of facility, as long as it's a good one. There are a lot of bad ones unfortunately. The hardest part of that is the cost.

I don't know a good way to handle it. It might come down to him having the choice of living downstairs or being dragged into some assisted living facility. Or the third option of just waiting for him to roll down the stairs and break his body.

But my suggestion is to get professional help if possible, and make it very clear to other family members that this is their burden also.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#174

Post by mch82 » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 7:49 PM UTC

Blackstone4 wrote: post #3

Can you make the home more accessible? i.e. put in a chair lift for the stairs

This is a great question!

It helps to put things at waist height minimize reaching easier (essentially apply heuristics from Human Factors Engineering like we do in factories). For example, in her 80s my grandma started keeping a small trash bag on the countertop at waist level so that she doesn’t need to bend as much or walk all the way to the larger kitchen trash while cooking or doing dishes.

Another focus area is weight reduction. For example, buy pints of milk or bottles of water instead of gallons (or transfer from large containers into smaller, reusable ones to help your elders and the environment at the same time).

Recently, my cousin got my grandma an Alexa speaker. He also put a large text note up on the wall next to it with phrases my grandma can use. Stuff like “Alexa, what time is it” or “Alexa, play classical music”. I thought it was silly, but then I realized it’s actually pretty cool. Plus, Alexa games give the great grandkids something fun to do in grandma’s sitting room.

Once people stop driving, grocery delivery can make a big difference.

Think about flooring. My grandma seems to have an easier time on wooden floors than carpet. It’s easier to slide a walker. Of course, if the floor has too much slide that can become a problem.

If you can afford it, a walk in bathtub is a game changer. My grandma is 98 and has used one for 15+ years. Late in life, even a 6-inch step up to a sidewalk curb can be a challenge.

Edit: I bet there’s a YC startup hidden in your question, especially with people investing more in their homes again now that they live and work at home.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#175

Post by brutus1213 » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 7:49 PM UTC

dsomers wrote: post #93

brutus1213 wrote: post #8

Similar boat with aging parents. It is really tough with few solutions. In a very HCOL area and parents own a condo. So stairs are less the issue but there a ton other challenges that emerge. Simplest solution would be to do a joint-family system with the parents. That is not feasible because single story houses are pretty rare in our area and spacious housing is stupidly expensive in general (Toronto); moving my fam…

Toronto does not equal all of the west. There are a lot of low cost of living parts of Canada where you can affordability arrange that exact living situation. My home town in Ontario which is around 80k people has had a lot of Indian-Canada families move from Toronto to my home town in the last decade for that exact reason.

Can you pls share the city? I've looked as far as London, ON but houses are still too expensive to make it work.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#176

Post by protomyth » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 7:54 PM UTC

If you're well off and the parents are not going to move until dead, then you can do a few things.

Some renovations to the house including a lift might work. You probably want to look for replacements to the bathroom shower / tub (think walk in tub). Its amazing how much a bench in the tub/shower helps. Putting in some pull down cabinets in the kitchen would be good. Basically, look for spaces that are becoming inaccessible and fix what you can.

At some point some service that does visits (nurse) is going to become a need if you cannot make it over there. Also, a security system with the elder care options is good. A mirror or similar exercise system (particularly with some competitive features) might be a good purchase.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#177

Post by dang » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 7:57 PM UTC

JshWright wrote: post #78

202112031617 wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There are so many lucky coincidences there that it reads like bragging - unintentionally I am sure. For example, I see no mention and not even a consideration of wife's parents - very convenient.

I acknowledged several times that there a number of special circumstances that allowed us to do this, and that it probably wouldn't work for the majority of folks, but I think it would work for more people than you're seeming to imply. I also made it clear that my comment wasn't intended to cover every single detail (like my wife's parents... and thousands of other details). I would have exceeded the max HN comment l…

Thanks for replying so well when you could have taken it as a provocation instead. That is not always easy.

https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#178

Post by dang » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 7:58 PM UTC

202112031617 wrote: post #72

JshWright wrote: post #34

This likely isn't relevant to you OP, but perhaps for someone else who is a little earlier in the process here. I'm in my late 30's and my parents are in their early 60's (Dad will be retiring next year). Two years ago we decided move into a multi-generational home. We found a place big enough for our family of 5, in addition to an "in-law" apartment big enough for my parents. This was born directly out of my parents…

There are so many lucky coincidences there that it reads like bragging - unintentionally I am sure. For example, I see no mention and not even a consideration of wife's parents - very convenient.

Hey - can you please not post like this? I realize that the topic is an emotional one and am sure you have good reasons for it, but it's against the site guidelines because of the effect it tends to have on discussion. Note especially this guideline:

"Please respond to the strongest plausible interpretation of what someone says, not a weaker one that's easier to criticize. Assume good faith."

https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html

Usually when people react like that to a comment, it's because they have some important experience of their own that doesn't match with what the comment is describing. In that case a good way to respond is to share the relevant parts of your own experience, so the rest of us can have access to both. This is the best way for us to learn (which is why we're here) - and it also helps us learn at a meta level, that life is big and we need enough space to hear about all experiences.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#179

Post by notacoward » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 7:58 PM UTC

pkrotich wrote: post #171

notacoward wrote: post #170

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The negatives are all constructed by the financial system There are two answers to that. (a) So what? Financial realities are still realities, and impose yet other realities on those who live them. And those realities are not going to change in any conceivable short or medium time frame. (b) It's not all financial. Time, energy, maturity are all factors too. I happen to believe the vast majority of 20-somethings ar…

I’ll concur to a point on financials - but older generation got married at 19 and had stable families, so it’s not truly about responsibilities. I think the idea of career first is a bigger factor and also we now live in a false “construct” of true love and everyone is waiting on or looking ideal mate.

> older generation got married at 19 and had stable families

Have you looked at divorce rates lately? Rates of child abuse, addiction, suicide? Seems to me that many of those families are not so stable or - even more importantly - functional. Also, if you look at how many of those formerly young parents in my generation and before have conducted themselves since their nests emptied, the picture's even grimmer. I suspect that they - and the rest of us - would be better off if they'd had children to help guide them into modernity in their later working years. Winding down any connection to the younger generation - and through them to changes in technology or society - at barely 40 doesn't seem to lead to a healthy 60, 70, or 80. The appeal to tradition fails.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#180

Post by agumonkey » Fri, Dec 03, 2021, 8:07 PM UTC

crispyambulance wrote: post #101

lettergram wrote: post #4

My advice is to keep your parents moving for as long as possible. Motivation and exercise is what keeps people alive and happy. I once knew a 92 year old who benched 140lbs and who’s grip was a vice. He worked out every day for ~2 hrs. Was one of the most impressive things I’ve seen. All that said, perhaps ask them what they want? For instance, their motivation might not be meals or cleaning. Getting a maid or food s…

One major thing you have to worry about with octogenarians is falls. There are all sorts of injuries related to falls but the worst one is to break a hip. It can happen very easily. When old folks break a hip, it sets off a chain of consequences that are really, really bad for their health and quality of life. To begin with, it immediately requires hospitalization and major surgery. Then, a period of immobilization s…

that is all true, i've seen two ideas :

- western way: use tech. some people have floor detectors, doesn't avoid the fall but helps saving people early. Maybe soft floors help too

- easter way: daily taichi .. so then you just roll and never fall