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Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

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Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#171

Post by collegeburner »

Khelavaster wrote: post #168
xiphias2 wrote: post #153

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I would expand on number 5: maximize your looks, do bodybuilding or calisthenics (be able to do at least 10 pull ups and 30 push ups). Make sure that your clothes fit. People are drawn to better looking people subconciously in real life. Also I’m more confident in talking to other people when I’m in a good shape.

[flagged]

I dont that's what they meant, I've met a few people in wheelchairs who were seriously big. Obviously not in their legs but ripped upper bodies.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#172

Post by collegeburner »

Smaug123 wrote: post #162
jtms wrote: post #107

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not sure why others are downvoting, this is really great advice for people who have social anxiety - low risk, real enough to be meaningful, usually narrowly focused on a shared interest, prepares you for the real thing. Downvote me as well if you like, but I’d be curious why people don’t agree

It's not at all clear to me that it does prepare you for the real thing. I think one could very plausibly argue the opposite: it's so massively easy-mode that it gets you used to social interactions being easy and low-friction, and through habit it raises the barrier to practising the real thing.

Agree, I think a simpler example of how this happens is remembering names. Everybody had zoom names on screen so had "easy mode" doing this for over a year, and most people I've talked to had some difficulty remembering names since.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#173

Post by collegeburner »

shaftoe wrote: post #158
rhn_mk1 wrote: post #93

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is too narrow a view. Social events are widely advertised, the offer does not need to be directed specifically at you.

Maybe, but I have rarely experienced wide advertisement (that was intended to include me) and don't know where to begin. I agree that this is off-putting advice. Many social activities assume you're showing up with friends. If you have none, they're akward and depressing.

^ This. I've gone to some big school events that arent really fun by myself, there's not a lot of talking with random people cause everybody else is there with a group.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#174

Post by blrboy »

Other tips here are great. Another thing that works surprisingly well - throw a party. It can be a pregame for some other campus event, or a board game night, or something low-key. But invite a bunch of people from different social circles and have them mix. And everyone is going to want to have a conversation with you; you are the host, after all.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#175

Post by l33tbro »

robcohen wrote: post #119

1. Join a bunch of clubs that interest you. Go consistently. Join clubs that you might enjoy but improve your social skills (acting, improv, debate, etc). Don't just hang out with the same people all the time. 2. Treat being social as a skill. Schedule time that you go out and force yourself to speak to people you don't know. Learn to care less about what others think of you, and learn to accept rejection. 3. Learn t…

> 4. Keep track of everyone you speak to. Everyone. Write down what they mentioned they liked, who their family is, what matters to them. Maintain their contact. Reach out during holidays and birthdays in a heartfelt way.

This reads as borderline creepy and sociopathic. If I discovered a friend of mine did this to me I'd find it really needy and a bit unnerving.

OP - you really just need to actually chill. Throw a party like others said is a good start - but don't be a weirdo about it and overthink all this shit.

I made lifelong friends at this age by going out to shows/parties - occasionally taking recreational drugs and baring souls to one another. 20 years later we don't do any of that stuff, but we're still close and just as no bullshit as back then.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#178

Post by rl3 »

MandieD wrote: post #160
robcohen wrote: post #119

1. Join a bunch of clubs that interest you. Go consistently. Join clubs that you might enjoy but improve your social skills (acting, improv, debate, etc). Don't just hang out with the same people all the time. 2. Treat being social as a skill. Schedule time that you go out and force yourself to speak to people you don't know. Learn to care less about what others think of you, and learn to accept rejection. 3. Learn t…

4) do this after you get home - don’t literally jot that stuff down in a notebook while talking to them. You may forget some details, that’s ok. The important part is that you’ll think over that interaction while it’s fresh on your mind. 5) (not saying that you specifically are guilty of this, just adding it for completeness) and wear clean clothes. This was a hygiene fail that I, a female CS major, was subjected to…

>... and jeans after three or four, ...

That's likely way too frequent and will quickly wear the denim out. Granted, it depends.

For casual/social wear, washing jeans every 4-6 weeks is typically fine. Obviously wash them sooner if there's any smell that simply airing them out doesn't cure, or if they're visibly dirty.

I agree that everything else on your body should pretty much be worn once and washed, barring top-layer delicates such as sweaters or cardigans.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#179

Post by throwaway984393 »

You can buy friends with gifts. Buy some beers, booze, weed, etc and offer to share it with random people. You can also make things to give away, like brownies, sourdough bread, needlepoint, wooden trays. Granted, it's not a great strategy, because are they really being your friends, and is this really a healthy behavior? But it does work, at least as a way to open up conversations.

You can also do the ballsy thing and just walk up to random people and say, "Hi, I'm new here, and I haven't made many friends yet. Want to hang out sometime?" Ask people about themselves, and once you find out what they're into, offer to do the thing they're into with them, or ask them if they might teach you. The more actual common interests you have, the more likely that you can meet people though that interest.

Oh, and learn a lot of jokes. Bad jokes, or any jokes, really. Everyone likes to laugh.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#180

Post by ativzzz »

PKop wrote: post #24

True friendship comes mostly from shared struggle. Think sports teams, military, small teams at work, even childhood friends and the experience growing up. It is hard to establish anything meaningful of a connection with casual interactions, and expecting to just "party/play hard" with people you don't really know is putting the cart before the horse. First you must work hard together. I'd suggest joining a Crossfit…

A lot of fraternities/clubs buy into this through hazing, but this is getting chomped down upon by many universities.
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