Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

171–180 of 438 posts

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#171

Post by nprateem »

lookathrwaway wrote: post #77
whiddershins wrote: post #19

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did. Some important ideas - Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with…

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

You should read Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. Sounds like you could use some.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#172

Post by mettamage »

technofiend wrote: post #72
shostack wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Can you share more details of the situation? I'm curious what they were lying about and how you pinned them down.

Yes but it's 1 AM here. I'll reply in the morning when I can give a cogent answer.

I'm also interested in the reply and putting this comment in as a stub to check back.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#173

Post by dougmwne »

acconrad wrote: post #8

Not everyone responds the same. I hated when people would use fluffy language: "would it be okay if you could do X?" Dammit...just tell me to do X. I know you're not really asking me you're just trying to be nice for something that has to be done. Well... turns out just because I like to hear feedback or orders directly, doesn't mean everyone else does. Part of why your manager treads carefully is because they have t…

This is something I learned late as well. I like to think I'm thick skinned and can take instructions directly. Really I have my thin spots like everyone else.

I started examining the times when a boss or co-worker would really piss me off and realized it was because their tone was off. I also realized that the great managers were so good at tone that I wasn't even realizing they were telling me to do something, I just did it as if it were my idea without any of the rank-pulling that goes into being ordered to do something. I think the only way to learn this properly is to watch the reaction of someone when you ask them to do something like a hawk, then adjust your tone accordingly.

The fluffy language itself is just one of the more generic techniques to avoid pissing off your reports, but a great manager goes way beyond always fluffy. In particular, "I'm not too sure about this thing, can you take a look at it?" is like my big red launch button and several managers have found it.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#175

Post by nothrabannosir »

barking wrote: post #174

To be myself in public. I still haven't learned. I had an uncle who was like that. He didn't give a shit what anyone thought, he was such fun to be around even if it embarrassed the hell out of you sometimes.

Alternatively, it is possible to be yourself while still caring a great deal about what other people think, but not letting it influence your behaviour. Only your emotions.

I think “not caring what others think” gets too much credit, honestly. It’s fine to care, because that also brings joy, for example I bet your uncle was damn proud that you liked him so much for whom he was :) that only works if you care. Which I’m sure he did.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable in public is a laudable skill.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#177

Post by taneq »

capkutay wrote: post #86
eight_ender wrote: post #38

Admitting I'm wrong or that I screwed up, and likewise praising others when they're correct or have ideas I agree with. You would not believe how much smoother everything at work is when you learn to recognize early the signs that you're holding on to a bad opinion, or that you're headed towards a fuckup, and just saying it out loud. The praising / agreeing thing is a bit more complex. I've noticed more recently that…

This might sound strange but I wish I learned how to be more assertive and less apologetic/yielding. When I was in a 50/50 debate/discussions, in many cases I leaned towards myself being wrong and the other being right automatically...and later would feel discontent with everyone when I turned out I was right and should have pushed harder. But I guess dont know how to be assertive without being offensive or overly br…

Likewise, I tend to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, and when one party accepts the possibility that they might be wrong while the other party professes ironclad certainty that they're right, the argument almost always goes to the latter.

These days I temper my "I'm not certain so we should investigate this" with "but you're not certain either so you're not getting out of investigating it and admitting you're wrong if it comes to that."

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#178

Post by arethuza »

profalseidol wrote: post #111
lookathrwaway wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

Might be a good idea to find a place with lots of PhD folks. I think I know what you mean since I prefer to talk to friends who are genuinely interested in programming and not just a job. Colleagues who are just here for the job I still talk to them but with other topics which I usually learn from as well - as long as you are willing to listen despite what you may think of them.

"find a place with lots of PhD folks"

Well, academia is full of them and I found it to be the worst place for petty office politics and daft rivalries, as the old saying goes:

"Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sayre%27s_law

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#179

Post by codingdave »

lookathrwaway wrote: post #77
whiddershins wrote: post #19

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did. Some important ideas - Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with…

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

You can get along with people without liking them. In particular at work, being able to work well and effectively with people you don't like is practically required. And that doesn't mean you have to engage in small talk. Just avoid being actively hostile, and cooperate with them.

I'd also recommend trying to respect that people may disagree with you on what is important. It is quite possible for someone to have examined their life as much as you expect, and have decided that they like religion and consumerism and other things that you dislike. People are different. That doesn't make them less valid as human beings.

You also may want to think about whether people are hiding their true selves from you. It is clear that you judge people for what they tell you. Did it ever occur to you that you may have a reputation for doing that? People may actively avoid opening up to you because of your own attitudes and behaviors. It may be known that conversations with you become mini-trials of their personal values. There is far more depth to most people than they are willing to show to their co-workers, and if you are known for disrespecting that, people will hide their true selves from you.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#180

Post by pepper_sauce »

lookathrwaway wrote: post #77
whiddershins wrote: post #19

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did. Some important ideas - Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with…

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

Have you considered that people reveal different sides of themselves to varying degrees based on context?

Most people have something interesting to say, if they don't share it with you it's either because they're not comfortable with you or not comfortable sharing it in that place. Bob from Accounting isn't going to talk to you about his intricate love of Georgian architecture at the work BBQ.

Post reply on HN