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Ask HN: How to be alone?

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Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#161

Post by Jbird2k »

I’ve been alone since about 20. I am 26 now and have been renting a room from someone who is in a similar state as myself. We mostly do our own thing but it’s nice to have others around. Something I learned was necessary when living alone was to have connections with people. I am religious and belong to a church the social connection there was critical to my survival as an individual. I had friends who were in multiple stages of life. I would try to spend time with others multiple times a week.

On Thursday’s I would spend time with my friend who’s in his 60s. I might help him fix some shelves or his furnace or whatever in exchange for a meal with him and his wife. We would play a few rounds of pickle ball or go for a bike ride in the evening and then we would sit around and talk.

I had a few other friendships like this. One family where I would spend a lot of time. The children where in their teens and I was friends with them and the parents they treated me as a bit of a son. It was good. I have since moved to a different community and have a very social job now so it’s not as crucial that I make such deliberate efforts to spend time with others.

So my advice is this make deliberate effort to spend time with people. Find people to spend time with involve yourself in their lives. Humans are social we all need some interaction and you can be an asset to others while helping yourself.

Too much time alone will absolutely destroy your mental state. Well it did mine. I have my friends to thank for taking care of me.

I should note many people rely on family for this sort of stuff. I don’t have family close geographically.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#162

Post by nickgray »

alexpotato wrote: post #86

You have MANY options: OPTION 1: What ever you are into, see if there is a club in your town for that. e.g. the suburban town I live in has a: - rock climbing club - board game club - maker lab at the library - Italian speaker's club - and more OPTION 2: Start a club If you don't find a club you like: start one! I did this with the town rock climbing club. I went on the town dad's Facebook and asked "anyone want to g…

thanks for the plug to my book!!

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#163

Post by robinsonb5 »

Plenty of people have already said join a gym. I'll build on that and say try and find one that offers group classes - anything from the Les Mills line up, for instance. For several years until Covid struct, I used to do Body Combat twice a week, along with occasional Cx Works and Body Pump. A year before I started doing all of that it had never occurred to me that I might want to set foot in a gym!

In the most difficult stages of my life I've found that exercise raised my energy levels and left me more able to tackle the things I needed to face - and the friends I made through group classes helped as well.

Look for other kinds of in-person group activities (if you play an instrument, open mic nights, retro-computing meets or hackspaces), and give them a go - even if they're not the kind of thing you usually enjoy - be prepared to be surprised!

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#164

Post by idk1 »

My friend was in a similar situation, and what he did was just went on Meetup and Facebook and searched for groups for things that he was into. Two of those groups were white collar boxing and open mic nights. I had no idea he was lonely before. He was my friend. If you filled one day of your week with a social group in the evening and then another day of the week with another social group. And eventually you feel like you're doing enough things. And you'll end up being your friend. I only meet mine once a month outside of those, but it's still really nice. Also, if you do join any social groups, you'll find yourself going to the pub afterwards.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#165

Post by rossant »

ed_balls wrote: post #122

You need to go through a proper grief. Cry, scream - the whole package. When the acceptance kicks in, try to find the root cause of what happen and why. How was the relationship? Did you feel like the first 6–12 months were perfect, but then you started drifting apart and having arguments every week or two? Have you ever felt like you needed to record a conversation you had with your partner? > great psychiatrist who…

> Have you ever felt like you needed to record a conversation you had with your partner?

Just curious what you meant by that?

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#166

Post by caxap »

There are no tricks because you're too smart to fall for your own tricks.

The one thing that works is the time buffer between your future self and now.

The real challenge is to override the sadness with new memories.

Doing all the things you listed (dog park / build sth. / books, etc) makes the time go by faster, especially if you find something you like.

Stay holed up, and the sadness keeps resonating, building its harmonics (reliving past images, what ifs).

Everyone has their own pace. Stay strong.

> fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks

I know how it feels. Wish you the best.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#168

Post by maplethorpe »

I'm kind of going through the opposite. I was alone until 38, and then suddenly I wasn't alone anymore. I'm now realising that I did indeed develop an effective strategy to combat loneliness over the years.

What you need is a personal project. A lot of people make the mistake of thinking this needs to be something with significant utility, but that's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. My recommendation is to make your project as specific to your life as you want, and as dumb as you want. It could be a radio station localised only to your house, or a chat app for you and three other people, or a mechanical toy for a friend. Then find some friends or a community you can share that thing with when you're done.

Think about what it would be fun for you, specifically, to do, or to make, or to achieve, go do that thing, and then share it. This technique got me through 38 years of loneliness (mostly) unscathed, so I'm confident it can work for others too.

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