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Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

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Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#161

Post by yunwal »

jvanderbot wrote: post #139
mradek wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How do u find a therapist? I’m a bit weary to discuss super personal things with someone I don’t know even if they’re a professional. How can I find someone I trust and is actually good? Not like the movies where the clock is up and ok next issue. My work offers a mental health service but I’ve looked at their TOS and no thanks. Sometimes I feel like just suspending the world background process and being still would…

I have found online services to be OK when I was struggling with a difficult time. Mindbloom, Betterhelp, and Cerebral were fine for what they were. They got me through the first steps for a slight cost. After that, momentum builds. There's no silver bullet.

FWIW, my experiences with betterhelp were absolutely terrible. I had a therapist ghost me, and another one that would respond with answers so generic I would’ve been better off talking to a chatbot (I sort of suspect that’s what I was doing).

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#163

Post by c0nsumer »

jvanderbot wrote: post #141
9wzYQbTYsAIc wrote: post #106

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you are in the United States, the following is a good resource: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists Also, read through https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/therapy/how-find-t...

I have found this to be a good, if somewhat unreliable way to find therapists. But it definitely is a real resource that shouldn't be sandbagged with downvotes.

And A decent therapist is better than an ideal one. Just getting started talking to someone is key.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#164

Post by jsonne »

jvanderbot wrote: post #141
9wzYQbTYsAIc wrote: post #106

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you are in the United States, the following is a good resource: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists Also, read through https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/therapy/how-find-t...

I have found this to be a good, if somewhat unreliable way to find therapists. But it definitely is a real resource that shouldn't be sandbagged with downvotes.

I found my therapist exactly like this and I have been with him for a few years. I was judicious with narrowing the search results and then further combed through each one meticulously. My wife tried 3 or 4 until she found one that clicked. I consider this list to be vastly superior to a better help etc. which I have never had luck with.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#165

Post by the__prestige »

[From ChatGPT] I'm sorry to hear about the difficult circumstances you've been facing. It's understandable that you would feel overwhelmed and unsure of where to begin in trying to make positive changes in your life. It's important to remember that it's never too late to make positive changes and to work towards a life that brings you fulfillment and happiness.

One thing that might be helpful is to try breaking down your goals into smaller, more manageable steps. This can make it feel less overwhelming and make it easier to see progress. For example, if you would like to return to the US, you might start by researching what steps you would need to take in order to do so. This might include finding out about any visa or immigration requirements, looking into job prospects or educational opportunities, or networking with people who may be able to offer guidance or support.

It might also be helpful to seek out support from others, whether through therapy, joining a support group, or simply talking to friends or family members who can offer a listening ear. It can be very helpful to have someone to talk to and to share your struggles and goals with.

Finally, try to be kind to yourself and remember that change takes time. It's okay to take things one day at a time and to celebrate small victories along the way.

I hope these suggestions are helpful, and please don't hesitate to reach out if you have any other questions or if there's anything else I can do to support you.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#166

Post by radu_floricica »

> I had all the desires of a regular guy: a wife, kids, a house, meaningful work, etc. I mean I still do, but I guess I'm too late for the first few. Every night I promise myself to do/be better tomorrow and somehow get myself to sleep. I was once looked up to, now I'm a pity case and an example case of how not to throw one's life away.

This is one of the few advantages of men in dating: it's not over until the fat lady sings. It takes you anything from 3-12 months to get back in proper dating shape, pretty much from any starting point. 43 is a _great_ age, once you fix that.

I'm going out on a limb and say you're not a big athlete. In this case, there is no such thing as overtraining. You get a free pass of around 6 months in which you need protein, sleep and water, and after that the sky's the limit: you can go to the gym twice a day and do both cardio and weightlifting in both sessions.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#167

Post by slothtrop »

mradek wrote: post #77
kemiller2002 wrote: post #4

You need to see a therapist. Your problem is largely on your outlook on where you are in life. This is not meant to be a buck up or shut up comment, it's just that you can't improve your life until you change your outlook on things. You won't be able to move forward on things until you confront your feelings and accept your position to move out of it. To answer your question, yes. My 30's were a mess with a divorce,…

How do u find a therapist? I’m a bit weary to discuss super personal things with someone I don’t know even if they’re a professional. How can I find someone I trust and is actually good? Not like the movies where the clock is up and ok next issue. My work offers a mental health service but I’ve looked at their TOS and no thanks. Sometimes I feel like just suspending the world background process and being still would…

Find one specializing in CBT, or similar forms of therapy shown to be effective (3rd-wave CBT such as MCT). You can also just pick up a CBT workbook and do the exercises yourself. The only advantage a therapist has over this is "talking it out" - you should be capable of recognizing and correcting distorted negative thinking with a therapist guide / workbook. This is why online therapy has been growing in popularity, they just regurgitate the principles.

You can do this free of charge just by visiting the library, or finding pdfs online.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#168

Post by da39a3ee »

Your writing (in a second language I assume) shows that you are mature, intelligent, emotionally sophisticated and sympathetic. This is going to be highly appreciated by employers when you go back to work! Can you pick an area that's somewhat related to your MEng or BI areas and just do whatever job in a decent company for a while, make yourself known as a capable and intelligent person, in order to be in a position to look out for a more appropriate opportunity?

I quite like the suggestion that someone else had in this thread of traveling for a little bit. Take a trip somewhere crazy before you go back to work, a less developed country you've never been to before. And yes probably try moving to a new city for the new job. I think this is going to be fine; take a deep breath and remember it will happen slowly, but all the time remember that it's not easy for employers to find thoughtful people like you, especially if you can combine that with some technical skills in an area of your choosing.

A new romantic relationship and even family is obviously still possible! I'm sure you know that. Make sure people see the thoughtful, positive, mature, and intelligent side of yourself.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#169

Post by athenot »

boppo1 wrote: post #63
fnord123 wrote: post #21

This is above HN's paygrade. International Suicide Crisis Hotline directory: https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines If you are posting this kind of message on HN then you're at a point that you can call for a 1-1 chat. There are people who can listen. Don't rely on social media to do this.

I recall that this hotline basically just calls your local authorities and prevents you from being a danger to yourself by having you committed to a mental health facility. Sub-optimal.

In the US, this is not true.

First they will talk you down if there is imminent danger. There are some real skilled people that are good at de-escalation. They might try to get you in touch with any fiends or relatives you may trust, and even conference them into the call with your permission. (I was called by them.)

They can also dispatch a team to help calm down any acute episode of severe depression / suicide ideation.

They can recommends a voluntary committment to a mental health facility. Involontary committment has certain criteria regarding safety and imminent danger, at which point it would involve the police and they would be the ones making that call.

If not a mental health facility, they do recommend getting a psychiatrist ASAP and provide referrals. And they call back a few days to check on the caller, to ensure they followed through and are seeking help.

Source: A close relative experienced this first hand.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#170

Post by ipnon »

boppo1 wrote: post #63
fnord123 wrote: post #21

This is above HN's paygrade. International Suicide Crisis Hotline directory: https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines If you are posting this kind of message on HN then you're at a point that you can call for a 1-1 chat. There are people who can listen. Don't rely on social media to do this.

I recall that this hotline basically just calls your local authorities and prevents you from being a danger to yourself by having you committed to a mental health facility. Sub-optimal.

Mental health facilities are not good for your mental state. If you thought you knew what mental anguish was just wait until you get to the big leagues. They dope you up and you sit around in a sterile hospital bed until you get the hint that you can’t go home until you stop voluntarily reporting symptoms of wanting to self harm.
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