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Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

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Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#161

Post by onionisafruit »

weeksie wrote: post #102
Kretinsky wrote: post #75

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Good luck lifting 50 times a day a 12kg todler while being in non-ergonomic positions and waking up 3-4 times during the night while having a productive work when you're in your 40's. And then, when they grow up, to keep up with them during physical activities, to teach and show them the way. It's possible, but it's much easier when you're in your 20's.

How old do you think 40 is? My god. Have you ever met someone in their 40s? Are you a child?

40 is different for everyone. I’m in my 40s and don’t think I would have the energy to start over parenting now, but I recognize that there are a lot of fathers in their 40s and 50s who are doing a great job with their kids.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#163

Post by spaceman_2020 »

davidguetta wrote: post #145
nashashmi wrote: post #120

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is the worst advice to give. He chose not to have with the one he is married to. And you are saying to turn his back on that same person. And have it with someone else!

People change and so do relationships. Marriage was invented when there was no contraception and life expecancy was half of what it was now.. No one should be miserable for the sake of "being married".

> life expecancy was half of what it was now.

Marriage is between adults and life expectancy for adults was nearly the same as it is now.

I would expect HN to know that life expectancy in earlier times was suppressed due to child mortality.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#165

Post by subpixel »

The most rewarding part of being a parent is also the scariest: realizing that you will have a powerful and indelible impact on someone for whom you wish only wonderful things.

Many parents aren't cut out for this challenge. But you can embrace it without being a parent - there are loads of ways to try to make a positive impact in kids' lives.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#166

Post by zonethundery »

Like other posters, I think there are other things going on here. Good on you for doing the work in therapy. Fix (or make serious progress on) those things before bringing a child into this world.

It isn't too late, biologically speaking, and wont be for a few years yet. In VHCOL coastal cities it is not unusual at all for couples to have first children at your age or a little later. But if you're burnt out at your job and having panic attacks walking by playgrounds you aint ready.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#167

Post by SevenNation »

It sounds like you're burned out at work more than you want to have children.

If you really wanted children like you say, you'd become a foster parent, spend every free moment as a school volunteer (they're desperately needed), get involved in youth sports, sign up for every youth activity at your local church, and so on.

You can mentor and have excellent experiences with children that are not your biological descendants.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#168

Post by tqwhite »

This is not about kids. You are mentally ill in a serious way. The the therapy you have gotten so far is either incompetent or you are so sick that you need time in an institution where your tragedy can be treated seriously.

I know a number of people who chose not to have children. Some have some level of regret but nobody is going through the kind of dysfunction you are.

You have a lot of years left.

(Also, please do not adopt or otherwise have a child until you are healthy again.)

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#169

Post by nashashmi »

davidguetta wrote: post #145
nashashmi wrote: post #120

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is the worst advice to give. He chose not to have with the one he is married to. And you are saying to turn his back on that same person. And have it with someone else!

People change and so do relationships. Marriage was invented when there was no contraception and life expecancy was half of what it was now.. No one should be miserable for the sake of "being married".

married people change together. Their relationship changes together.

Invented is such a terrible word. It was a contract. And within that contract was a place for love to grow without the idea the person was going to leave. And within that love was a place for family.

Today some celebrate the inverse. Have family. Then love. Then marry. Then divorce. And leaves little to no safe place for any of the above.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#170

Post by seltzered_ »

To take a different perspective,

I try to remember some argue we've overshot population: https://scientistswarning.forestry.oregonstate.edu/sites/def... , and honestly get leary at seeing how friends are raising kids. One of my friends works with tutoring kids all day and very consciously had a vasectomy after finding a partner.

Why not partner with your spouse on something like ecosystem restoration? https://happenfilms.com/fools-and-dreamers

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