Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#161

Post by em-bee » Thu, Aug 25, 2022, 12:49 PM UTC

futureshock wrote: post #151

downut wrote: post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

42 years in and it is still one pot of money. My wife makes the money now, and has for 15 years. But we have swapped a half dozen times over the years. For instance when the child was born and she took 3 years off, or I got a relocation and she took a few years off. I can cook and clean and do all the work around the house and whatever meta overhead needs to be done, so it has worked out fine. Right now she is sick o…

I am bristling a bit at the suggestion that split finances lead to divorce. I honestly don’t think it changes anything fundamental. You either agree on your priorities and approach to life and finances, and therefore spend your money in a roughly compatible way automatically, or you don’t. Keeping money in one pot does not automatically align or keep you aligned. It’s either a problem or it’s not. Doesn’t matter wher…

exactly this.

we didn't create a joint account because we never even bothered to think about it. it would have just been an extra hassle without any practical benefit. things were paid by whoever was doing the payment. if one account was running low but a payment from that account needed to be made, money was moved.

more of a concern was that i was used to meticulously tracking my expenses, while my wife hated the idea. so we didn't do it as a family, and only did rough budget calculations to see if we spent more than we earned as a compromise.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#162

Post by agent008t » Thu, Aug 25, 2022, 1:42 PM UTC

silisili wrote: post #88

When you are married, there is no 'her money' or 'your money'. There is just your collective money. I'd take such squabbling as a huge, waving, in your face red flag. Evaluate it carefully. Question why one would want money they don't want the other touching. Is she planning to live large while you beg for money under an overpass? Or is she thinking of a future without you? Because those are pretty much the two scena…

Suppose your wife did get a job. Would the money she earns also go into the same collective pot? Would that not be somewhat demotivating / mess up the incentives for her?

Also, it seems in your kind of a scenario it would be difficult to avoid the 'unlimited vacation policy'-type problem, where ultimately it is still at the final discretion of one party. So realistically, there is still some portion of the pot that she is free to spend at her discretion, but it is implicit. Would it not be better for everyone to just make it explicit? Is that not a red flag, since by not explicitly designating some funds as hers / not transferring them into her account to use as she sees fit you are maintaining more control of it and how it is spent?

To be clear, I am not talking about your situation in particular of which I know very little, but presenting more of a general hypothetical argument.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#163

Post by giantg2 » Thu, Aug 25, 2022, 1:44 PM UTC

telman17 wrote: post #3

I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. We have a budget and try to stick to it and have occasional vacations or upgrade something in the house. When it comes to finances we are a single unit and…

That system really only works well if you have similar views and habits related to how the money is spent. Or if you have so much that inefficient spending isn't a concern.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#164

Post by tluyben2 » Thu, Aug 25, 2022, 1:48 PM UTC

atwood22 wrote: post #109

mooreds wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You have a point, the OP owns his wife's startup jackpot in the eyes of the law. (Unless there's a prenup in the mix, which is not mentioned.) But there's legal situations and then there is real life. If a discussion about money ever gets the lawyers involved, then the marriage is either way more high powered than anyone I've ever known or is in a pretty bad state.

To me, it’d be pretty weird to enter a lifelong agreement with someone to share everything, but then as soon as you hit the lotto you start to squirrel things away on the side.

Yes, as you also share terrible things like stress, anxiety etc that often comes with these kind of jobs. It might not feel as much but I know quite a few cases where the stay-at-home person burnt out severely because of the stress transferred from top manager or director or trader type of functions. Just all a bit weird; shared is shared to me.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#165

Post by tluyben2 » Thu, Aug 25, 2022, 1:53 PM UTC

My wife (20 years) and myself just share it all. I mostly made (a lot) more; we both don’t really care about stuff or vacations. Since we met eachother, we started doing this after 2 months. I have always done this in previous relations and if there are jackpots to divide (there have been) then it shall be so.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#166

Post by giantg2 » Thu, Aug 25, 2022, 1:56 PM UTC

I like the income based share of expenses. If you make 75% of the total income, then pay 75% of the bills. Mortgage could probably be split 50/50. That's what a friend of mine does and they're both very happy.

Unfortunately, I can't convince my wife to contribute this way. I pay all the bills other than her car payment (when she has one), car maintenance, and gas. I also pay about $6k-8k of her self-employment tax. On top of that, for years she spent more on her hobby than I did on the mortgage. This has created some stress for me. Not only is she not contributing to bills, but I have to cover her taxes, and she's spending in a way that I never would.

So the risk becomes that if we do divorce, I'm totally screwed.it feels like the only way to control her spending is to keep the money separate. If you're not making enough to spend thousands a month on hobbies, then it becomes obvious that you can't do those.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#167

Post by maury91 » Thu, Aug 25, 2022, 1:58 PM UTC

Maybe it's because the sum of my salary and the one of my wife is lower than the salary of OP 12 years ago. But we don't really care how to split the money, because usually there's none left after paying mortgage, bills and groceries.

We do have a big disparity in money, and if we split the mortgage 50/50 she would not have enough money to pay her share, so we split based on what each of us can pay: I pay the mortgage and the groceries, and she pays the bills

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#168

Post by reitanqild » Thu, Aug 25, 2022, 2:25 PM UTC

I earn two or three times as much as her.

It is not her fault that working in healthcare pays peanuts.

Also she is a loving mother for our 5 kids, does most of the work at home and she loves me to and rarely complains about doing most of the work (I work more and have significant commute).

So in my eyes we contribute equally much, it just so happens that most money comes from my work.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#169

Post by Kon-Peki » Thu, Aug 25, 2022, 2:38 PM UTC

We have one big pot of money and not a single care in the world about who spends what.

The primary earner has flip-flopped a dozen times in the last 15 years.

There have been many times where we needed to come together and get our total spending under control, but we always made sure to make a budget that says we each can spend $X per month on whatever we want, no questions asked. A few times that has been $25, others it could be $500 or $1000.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#170

Post by Kon-Peki » Thu, Aug 25, 2022, 2:57 PM UTC

scarface74 wrote: post #103

downut wrote: post #81

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Exactly: partition => divorce. The arrow symbol '=>' is not causal; the partition did not cause the divorce, but where there was a partition, the divorce, in our experience, inevitably happened. I don't even want to elevate our lengthy relationship as something superior. Hardly anyone, including us, started out in their teens understanding what makes a good relationship. We probably stumbled into the single pot model…

My parents are 78 and 80 years old. They have been married 53 years and my dad took my mom to his high school prom. They retired at 55 and 57. They have always had separate accounts and coordinated spending. It’s not because of lack of trust. They’ve been on the same page financially since day one. Neither of them had anything but their own cars when they first got married.

My parents celebrate 50 in a few months. Having separate accounts is a major factor in them staying together. But! It was horrible growing up in such a family situation. I hated it.