161–170 of 218 posts
I would say you have 2 reliable options, either to join various club or then (and this may get a lot of hate here) to rush a fraternity/sorority. It’s a pretty well structured way to funnel yourself into friendships. Yes it has its cons but it’s not unheard of to be more inactive senior year so think of it as a 1-2 year experience.
None of us actually ended up joining a sorority :)
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Livestreaming on twitch and join discord-communities is a great place to practice social interactions.
Not sure why others are downvoting, this is really great advice for people who have social anxiety - low risk, real enough to be meaningful, usually narrowly focused on a shared interest, prepares you for the real thing. Downvote me as well if you like, but I’d be curious why people don’t agree
Now there is a fair chance this will not help you at all, but I’ll share here anyway. The thing that really turned it around for me was finding a minority that I was part of, in my case the LGBTQ+ community. Being in a minority community where everyone shared similar experiences gave so many more chances to make friends. I.e. more chances to be vulnerable around each other, and more changes to support others when they are in need. That’s how I made friendships that I think will last a lifetime.
This will not be the experience of everyone in such a position, but it was mine. The other comments here also have some good advice.
From my point of view I think it must be really hard for strait/cis/mono etc people. I still inevitably socialise in those circles and it seems hard to make connections.
As an autistic person (and I'm not suggesting OP is also an aspie), I can say that all the advice that amounts to "just put yourself out there" is worse than useless; you only see things the way you do because those interactions come naturally to you, and you instinctively know how to process and act on them. People who are socially awkward are often unable to do this. It's like saying to someone who is not good a ma…
What sort of advice has helped you?
The standard advice is: friendship is formed from proximity; repeated unplanned interactions; and a setting which encourages people to let their guard down. This seems extremely true. Sometimes luck puts you in a position where you can't avoid these interactions with people who are near you a lot, but if you're finding that it's not happening naturally, look at which of those is lacking in your current activities and see whether you can increase them.
Case study: choir or orchestra (remember that "unplanned interactions" can take place in a planned setting). There's a shared goal among people in close proximity; there are very often periods of unplanned downtime and hence casual interaction while the conductor focuses on some other subgroup of the choir to yours; smallish (~30 person) choirs naturally form into nicely conversation-sized groups among the parts anyway; the nature of the activity is already skewed towards publicly making a fool of yourself (everyone around you can hear your wrong notes!) so everyone's sensitivity to social convention is slightly suppressed.
Debugging example: perhaps you attend a club so are regularly in proximity to people and there's the chance for unplanned interactions, but you're finding that conversations just don't naturally happen (this is me all the time!). That suggests there's some combination of you and the setting which is not encouraging people to let their guard down. The easy-mode hack is to decamp to the pub afterwards (even if you hate pubs, I can't stand them but they do the job extremely well) and let the group's collective guard go down with alcohol. It'll be easiest if they already have some friendships among the group, so that some people are already being open with each other. Remember that you might be part of the problem here, so consider erring on the side of being uncomfortably open yourself.
And in college, remember that however painful it is, there are so many people around; if you mess up somewhere, you can literally just never see those people ever again if necessary.
True friendship comes mostly from shared struggle. Think sports teams, military, small teams at work, even childhood friends and the experience growing up. It is hard to establish anything meaningful of a connection with casual interactions, and expecting to just "party/play hard" with people you don't really know is putting the cart before the horse. First you must work hard together. I'd suggest joining a Crossfit…
1. Join a bunch of clubs that interest you. Go consistently. Join clubs that you might enjoy but improve your social skills (acting, improv, debate, etc). Don't just hang out with the same people all the time. 2. Treat being social as a skill. Schedule time that you go out and force yourself to speak to people you don't know. Learn to care less about what others think of you, and learn to accept rejection. 3. Learn t…
> 4. Keep track of everyone you speak to. Everyone. Write down what they mentioned they liked, who their family is, what matters to them. Make sure to put that list on a wall somewhere in your room so visitors can see how much you care. It will be a nice conversation starter and not at all alarming.
t. That guy
Edit: didn't get the joke did i
As an autistic person (and I'm not suggesting OP is also an aspie), I can say that all the advice that amounts to "just put yourself out there" is worse than useless; you only see things the way you do because those interactions come naturally to you, and you instinctively know how to process and act on them. People who are socially awkward are often unable to do this. It's like saying to someone who is not good a ma…
Agreed. It is tiresome. Starving? Just eat some food Insomniac? Just go to sleep Socially anxious? Just be more social No friends? Just put yourself out there All the same useless advice
1. Join a bunch of clubs that interest you. Go consistently. Join clubs that you might enjoy but improve your social skills (acting, improv, debate, etc). Don't just hang out with the same people all the time. 2. Treat being social as a skill. Schedule time that you go out and force yourself to speak to people you don't know. Learn to care less about what others think of you, and learn to accept rejection. 3. Learn t…
I would expand on number 5: maximize your looks, do bodybuilding or calisthenics (be able to do at least 10 pull ups and 30 push ups). Make sure that your clothes fit. People are drawn to better looking people subconciously in real life. Also I’m more confident in talking to other people when I’m in a good shape.
1. Join a bunch of clubs that interest you. Go consistently. Join clubs that you might enjoy but improve your social skills (acting, improv, debate, etc). Don't just hang out with the same people all the time. 2. Treat being social as a skill. Schedule time that you go out and force yourself to speak to people you don't know. Learn to care less about what others think of you, and learn to accept rejection. 3. Learn t…
But, IMHO, turning these acquaintances into friends takes something else: showing vulnerability and being able to support the other person when they are vulnerable.
The comments here have some great advice, but I haven’t seen anyone mention this. Personally I think this is absolutely paramount.
The best friendships I have are with people who I have shared myself with, have been willing to listen, and who have listened with kindness and understanding. People who appreciate that I am showing faith in our friendship by opening up.
Some people will not give me that space. They will look uncomfortable or make awkward jokes. They will always be acquaintances to me, never friends.
Conversely, I must be willing to do this for other people. To listen with understanding, to ask questions, and to know when my opinion is not needed.
Now, for those who want it, here’s my strong opinion: if people won’t do this for you, if they respond by looking awkward or making uncomfortable jokes, then f*k em. You don’t need that in your life, and you’ll find much better people.
If you want to wear a Halloween costume, look for some place you can wear it. That's probably a pretty low bar.
Though attending parties may not be the cure for your loneliness you imagine it will be. Loneliness tends to be cured by having people in your life that you trust who know you well and those types of relationships don't necessarily overlap with the kinds of connections that get you invited to costume parties.