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Ask HN: How to be alone?

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Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#151

Post by patrickmay »

I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm impressed that you are in touch enough with your feelings to articulate it.

There's a lot of great advice in this thread. The best I have is to 1) Join a gym and go consistently. Nothing improves your mood like endorphins. Plus, at 38 you'll be amazed at what kind of shape you can get in. 2) Meditate. Learning to be present and grounded will enable you to decide who you want to be and who you want to be with. One I like is called Quantum Light Breath, particularly the version from Jeru Kabbal. It's a guided meditation so you can do it alone, although it is great in a group as well. Spoiler: It has nothing to do with quantum mechanics or the physics of light. There is a lot of breathing, though.

Good luck.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#153

Post by madFlasher »

I just started going to the gym, being a little more self-loving, and paying attention to my appearance and behaviour.

If you’re alone but look good enough for your age and are an interesting person, it’s just a matter of time before you have somebody around.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#154

Post by lifis »

If you just want to talk about your day or receive psychological support or even answer questions like this one, LLMs are great: Opus 4.6 is currently considered the best, but also try Gemini and ChatGPT.

As for interacting with humans, if you are finding it hard, maybe you can try something that is easy because it has a structure, such as some sort of workshop where you either share in a circle or are paired with a random partner and share (ask LLMs for help in finding them).

Or even pay someone to talk to them, such as a psychotherapist or a counselor.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#155

Post by hinkley »

djdule wrote: post #118

Ask yourself "Would I like to be friend with ". Then invest in things you do not like. Smile. Go to gym. Be friendly with people, but not creepy. Help people. Be good family member and friend. Get yourself good clothes. Find interesting hobby. Cook. Pay whole bill when you go outside occasionally. Do it for yourself, not for others. When you become best version of self, people will start notice you more and more.

One can take Be Your Own Friend a lot farther than just this. What would you tell your friend going through what you’re experiencing right now? What would you tell your friend not to beat himself up for? To push himself harder abouT?

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#156

Post by LifeIsBio »

scott_w wrote: post #35

> I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers. Allow me to be blunt: you’re still suffering the symptoms of depression. I’m not a psychiatrist but you likely have what I’d think of as “situational depression” (as opposed to ingrained depression). Once you either fix the cause (loneliness) or adapt to it, the depression will lift. I t…

This line stuck out to me as well, but my follow up thought was different.

I’ve had friends who have been on cocktails like these, and one of them once said something like, “I’ve been depressed before, and this is not that. I’m not depressed. I don’t have the emotional capacity to be depressed. This is more like a total emotional blank slate.”

She was basically a robot for a few months. Incapable of really any emotions, including sadness, anxiety, frustration, etc. Suffice to say, she also didn’t have the emotional drive to push her towards positive things like deciding on how to spend her weekend free time.

Thankfully she’s changed her meds and is feeling overall better (if, admittedly, at the price of some emotional stability).

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#158

Post by jongjong »

Well it sounds like you miss this other person. If they're still alive I would probably try to talk to them, explain your feelings and and let them know you want them back.

If the person is no longer alive then you need to allow yourself to grieve. You can allow yourself to revisit past times in your mind. You can keep their memory alive in your mind.

If the person broke up with you and doesn't want to get back together then try to focus on their negative personality traits. Nobody is perfect and you can surely find things that you are glad you don't have to put up with anymore. Focus on those things. Worst case, focus on how badly they treated you and reflect on what it says about their character... Maybe that will make them look less appealing. My experience is that when someone mistreats me (or others) in any way, it creates a natural deep dislike for them. Maybe focus on that.

Life is rarely fully comfortable. You're almost always dealing with something. The key is to not focus on the things that make it worse.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#160

Post by skinnymuch »

I have the opposite problem. Spending time with people is difficult for a few years now. Even though I was born in the west and have only known this world. Now I will be leaving the west soon.

Something I’ve wanted to do for reasons for 1-2 years. I will usually say it’s because of my finances/possible recession. That is a helpful practical benefit. Reasons due to a series of life events that “broke” my worldview during and right after the pandemic causing this [purposeful] loner situation are the actual reasons.

I wish I didn’t feel this way. It sucks never wanting to talk or hang out with the remaining people I am in touch with.

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