151–160 of 162 posts
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Why would you feeling better increase the odds of a child having a shitty unhappy life? Sounds like a pretty shitty excuse in my ears, sorry.
It's not a guarantee that having a child will make OP feel better.
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Why would you feeling better increase the odds of a child having a shitty unhappy life? Sounds like a pretty shitty excuse in my ears, sorry.
All the people in Auschwitz could have had happy parents but a lot of them probably wished they'd never been born. Life is hard. Really hard sometimes. Forcing a child to go through it all just to give your own life meaning? Totally selfish.
Using that as an argument for not having children is beyond silly.
Just say that you don't want children, it's ok, you don't have to make up reasons and try and convince others.
I think you're missing out on something amazing, but that's just my personal opinion.
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Why do you think building a business will fix the problem you feel? I don't mean that in a rude way, but I think answering that will help you figure out what you're looking for. If the goal is just to build a business you could start a business like a McDonald's franchise that is pretty much guaranteed to work if you work hard enough. But I suspect that succeeding at some already derisked business model isn't what is…
Hey! > Why do you think building a business will fix the problem you feel? It wont. But it will solve one aspect of (lack of) independence -- the soul crashing 9-5 and working with people. I don't want to go length into my view of the tech industry and how I consider most of it an inefficient cog machine mixed with human psychology, but getting rid of it by creating a business which can be run on it's own -- will imp…
I, have become . . . comfortably numb, myself . . .
Maybe for a long time, I've considered 9-5 to be easy hours but what happens during that time needs to be uplifting in some way. Some big way would be good even if it's not financial.
The stuck, boring, and comfortable could be juggled or rebalanced on their own, or you could throw in the 9-5 for some other schedule or commitment. Or dig deeper from where you are now until you hit a promising spark, in spite of any disappointments that may be obstacles.
Over many years of employment I had no doubt I would be an entrepreneur, and a boring 9-5 is no more real work or commitment than a more uplifting 9-5, but I never could have started my company on the side during any of the boring times.
I think the ideal situation is where you look forward to going to work every day because you accomplish something for your employer, and you look forward to coming back from the employer whether it's home for R & R or to work on your own future business. You need to feel some worthwhile anticipation either way/direction.
For me 9-5 is not a problem in itself, but commuting can be the big downer, and a lot of it can go together if it turns out that commuting with the mainstream is what the real problem is. A revised employment schedule with a bit more time commitment can still be OK if it takes away from a more painful commute. You need to look forward to your destination both coming & going, and the anticipation needs to outlast your travel time each way.
It's never going to be like driving to Disney World, but that's an extreme example for many people of how long a trip you can sometimes maintain anticipation for.
My recommendation is get closer to nature, trees, the living green, fresh air, sunshine... The things that bring a real physical joy to the mind and body. Mankind is not meant to spend all day in man-made caves with flickering lights
The days can be slow, but years go by fast. I also don't care about work the way I did in my 20s and 30s. I never liked working with people (I liked individual performance and contribution the most, realizing this after having to manage several teams at once), but the only way to compete well and achieve meaningful things is in healthy teams. It's just hard to find the healthy people and healthy missions for those teams--one bad apple can spoil things, and there are bad apples everywhere.
The discipline you exhibit in exercise and moderation is big, as well as the courage to change jobs and build a business--I launched a business (late 40s, early 50s) that was mildly successful, but decided it wasn't worth it after many years. I have no regrets shooting my shot. I've been married for about 3 decades and have 3 great kids.
Here are some of my specific experiences and conclusions, which may apply generally to you and a plurality of people:
+ marriage is really hard. The hormonal buzz fades, and a lot of big decisions around money, career, kids, relationships need to be made and they can take a toll as not every decision is a win-win, better-over-good. The political polarization of the US and world is fluff compared to the large gaps between two people in a marriage. But marriage is also really great, to be able to halve the weight of life and double the celebration of it. I don't think many people are willing to do what it takes to have an extraordinary marriage, and even if both are, they won't always be 100% energized at the same time, and there will be drier seasons. Two are indeed better than one, but the opportunity costs of achieving a great marriage are high. Don't get married unless you can be all-in for the rest of your life, and you find someone who also seems to be (people don't always accurately indicate who they actually are or how they will change in dating and courtship, which is why a wedding is such an expression of hope, especially when looking at the data for success).
+ kids are great, but they are a ton of work and present high costs. The optimal amount of kids to have is probably 3-4, as sibling interaction is priceless for basic development. Special needs children are even more challenging to raise, and will be another stressor on a marriage. Having even 1 child will make a failed marriage even more devastating in impact. Even more differences and conflicts between spouses on values and priorities will emerge when parenting, and if spouses can't parent collaboratively, then they will likely fail more than succeed as parents--not as people, and I am not saying their children are failures, just everyone having to face more trauma, and yes, some are able to transcend their trauma
+ it is important to find real purpose in your job. I work in the US financial sector, and all my global travels (to Africa, Latin America, Europe, and Asia) and research leads me to believe that my work reduces poverty (through providing higher economic stability and productivity, relative to other jurisdictions) but it does so at a higher cost than need be--financial intermediaries enrich selves much more than clients. Still, I am both proud and humbled to be helping others emerge from and stay out of poverty, and hope that Wall St fees continue to ebb over time. I am confident your work also helps others, and you need to embrace the good that you are doing, as meaningless as it seems most of the time. I was a programmer out of college, and found that software change management was complex and tedious ... but I see that software progress will continue to be a great democratizing force for generations.
+ On faith and spirituality, I am a data and evidence-driven person, but I realize that we don't have enough data to make conclusions about the existence of a Creator, so it requires a leap of faith to assume One. The main benefit is that God is the Source of human worthy, dignity, value and rights. I have yet to identify a credible alternate source--but am familiar with alternate theories, and appreciate learning from Richard Dawkins, Chris Hitchens, etc. I am all-in with my local church, which is rare for its diversity (political, socioeconomic, racial, cultural), and we wrestle with loving people well--which Jesus was clear about, but churches tend to forget--and seeking truth where there isn't much data, through faith as well as reasoning. Through this community, I am able to help many friends who are struggling in various areas of life (including marriage, work, health, philosophy and other issues), as well as under-resourced people as close as a migrant shelter near the church building and as far away as one of the poorest provinces in Africa. Just this past weekend, I was able to help an asylum seeker from a repressive Middle East regime with career and personal finance counseling.
+ I am mildly engaged with my alma mater, in a variety of volunteer capacities. One role I had was to mentor an accepted high school student who lived nearby, and I am meeting him for lunch next week, almost 20 years after our first lunch. I would definitely recommend you meet many people, and then cultivate deeper and long term relationships with a few, the ones that resonate with you the most. I find the relationships made in the context of serving others can be the most meaningful, and whatever you are doing to pay the bills is really facilitating these relationships and your life legacy.
+ I am looking forward to continuing to see my kids thrive, through college, and perhaps marriage and grandchildren down the road. I am looking forward to retirement and travel. But I am also looking forward to new ways to help others, such as tutoring 1st and 2nd graders in reading, and 3rd and 4th graders in math--as if they don't get reading and math in these phases of life, they will likely be unable to ever grasp the basic skills to navigate and make good decisions.
In sum, there is so much life ahead for you to live. You are likely a global one-percenter in income ($60k) and retirement net worth ($900k), but it's natural for us to compare up and selectively--my hypothesis for why social media is such a time suck and contributor to mental health problems. But you need to discover the meaning, purpose and connections that concretely manifestable, which can all be hazy right now from the fog of culture. Seek, and you shall find.
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It's universal enough. There are people who are not cut out for having a spouse or children - they are a minority.
It's not universal enough to be advised to someone as a solution, increasing the already existing social pressure to have children, and also exposing both the potential parent and child to the risk of lifelong unhappiness together. Also "spouse or children" – those are too different, Personally, I've been married for over a decade, but I don't have the emotional capacity to be a parent and desire to have kids in the…
Sure it is. And if it isn't, why would the suggestion to seek medical treatment be a more universal solution?
>and also exposing both the potential parent and child to the risk of lifelong unhappiness together.
That is a warped perspective.
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It's not universal enough to be advised to someone as a solution, increasing the already existing social pressure to have children, and also exposing both the potential parent and child to the risk of lifelong unhappiness together. Also "spouse or children" – those are too different, Personally, I've been married for over a decade, but I don't have the emotional capacity to be a parent and desire to have kids in the…
>It's not universal enough to be advised to someone as a solution Sure it is. And if it isn't, why would the suggestion to seek medical treatment be a more universal solution? >and also exposing both the potential parent and child to the risk of lifelong unhappiness together. That is a warped perspective.
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>It's not universal enough to be advised to someone as a solution Sure it is. And if it isn't, why would the suggestion to seek medical treatment be a more universal solution? >and also exposing both the potential parent and child to the risk of lifelong unhappiness together. That is a warped perspective.
You seem to not know anyone who was an unwanted child born because of some secondary motivation, and how deeply it traumatized them for life.
Don't you think there's a difference between suggesting that someone start a family (and itemizing benefits of that life path), and FORCING someone to start a family? If OP does not want a family, they don't have to have a family. Geez.
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You seem to not know anyone who was an unwanted child born because of some secondary motivation, and how deeply it traumatized them for life.
>You seem to not know anyone who was an unwanted child born because of some secondary motivation Don't you think there's a difference between suggesting that someone start a family (and itemizing benefits of that life path), and FORCING someone to start a family? If OP does not want a family, they don't have to have a family. Geez.
This what leads to deeply affected people: being born and raised because the parents had some secondary goal in mind and needed children for that goal. Can be searching for meaning in life, social pressure, material benefits or even "our beloved first child needs a sibling".