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Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

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Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#151
I was depressed and NEET for about a decade too. Cognitive behavioral therapy helped me get a better outlook on life and put me on track to a successful career.

My advice is to be humble and open-minded to things that can drastically improve your life.

Do not think you are entitled to anything because you have a degree or for some other reason; let go of those thoughts - they can make it seem like you don't have an employment option "good enough" for you or that nothing you do could give you the luxury/quality in life you expect. Accept that you will need to start at the entry level. Let go of all expectations. It should feel very freeing.

Then become open to doing the things that push you toward your goals. First, consider what you want in your life as a next step. Is it therapy? Is it getting a job? Is it something else? Pick one, and focus on that. Secondly, execute without judgment and thought. Once you plan, do it without thinking, like a ribosome translating RNA into a polypeptide. It doesn't care whether the protein it builds is good or "right." It just does it by script. And so can you. If you wish to do therapy, just show up in your sessions. If you want a job, just pick an easy entry-level role and attend the interviews. Whatever you decide to do, start executing and never stop. Even if you just do one task a day (like today you research therapists available to you, tomorrow you call one, the day after that you call another; or today you decide what job you want, tomorrow you research how your resume should look, the day after you update your resume, then you look for open roles, then you apply).

Whatever you do, make it easy for yourself by removing judgment, expectations, and time pressure. But once you start, do not stop.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#152
post #10

I don't have any idea why you think "a wife, kids" are out of the picture for you: after early adulthood, men and women are looking for someone they can see having a family with, and not for the more superfluous things in life (good looks, status or lots of money). At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men (well, at least making babies: bringing up kids does get a bit harder as you age regardles…

Also, men can circumvent fertility issues by dating younger. I know two 40+ men who started families with 20+ women, and so far so good.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#154
You are focused on what your life could of been / should of been and are devaluing the true gift you have.

Get past that should of it is judgement that leads to no outcomes

Could of is an assumption that did not happen.

Your gift? Let me put it in a way that all who are in this community will read will understand. You are an engineer.

There are close to 9 billion people on the planet. There are roughly 80 million engineers. You don’t get to this level by chance but because you can, your part of the .8% of the people of the world who can build it. You don’t lose your abilities they just get rusty.

My advise to you is stop thinking about what should of or could of or if my dad was here as cold as this sounds. Instead keep pushing. Be what you are. Build something and then sell it-you are an Engineer you can do anything.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#155
post #69
post #49

A few things: The HN crowd is not known for kindness, but you can use sincere and reason-based advice, something for which the HN crowd is excellent at. I remarried in my early 40's, after leaving a mutually abusive relationship. And we got a lovely daughter (with two amazing older half-brothers from my previous marriage), moved to Ireland and fell in love for the country. You are not past your prime - while I miss m…

> The HN crowd is not known for kindness, but you can use sincere and reason-based advice, something for which the HN crowd is excellent at. ITT: How about both? :D Scrolling through the comments and this Grinch's heart grew three sizes today.

I think most of us try to be better people. It just turns out we agree to disagree on how each one will do it ;-)

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#157
Yes, as others have already said, please seek professional help right away. I wish you the best, and please hang in there. It does get better.

At 36, my mother, with whom I had a complex relationship, passed away, I separated from my wife of 10 years, I quit my career as a chip designer in the hopes of finding something more satisfying to me, and I lost many friends as a result of all of this. At the time, things couldn't seem to get any lower for me. I did spend a lot of time with a therapist and I worked very hard taking care of myself through all of this.

Fast forward a decade and a half and I couldn't be happier. Please hang in there and spend some time on healing and getting better. Boa sorte.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#158
post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I second that, I would suggest move to a larger city and get a job and therapist there (looks like the OP is from Germany, which I would personally prefer to US). And regarding to life goals, wife and kids in particular, although I have decided not to have a family, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I think there are many single mothers out there who would appreciate a stable and solid partner with 2nd inco…

One thing to note is that while Germany is much better if you need social services, it's much easier to move between classes in the US. It's very hard to move up in German society without the right social circles which are also much more exclusive than in the US or London. That said, while therapy is one thing(and very hard to find someone that actually helps you out of your misery instead of reinforcing it), I'd may…

>>One thing that's very important in Germany when getting help is to never EVER say that you have suicidal thoughts. The moment you do that you slide into a bracket out of the social system that you can never get out of on your own. Any doctor or psychologist may now force you to take medication or put you in the asylum whenever they chose.

That is terrifying. Those medications are mediocre in the long-term. If you have a problem with a side-effect and they deem it trivial, you may be forced to take a medicine for life. Some of the alternative approaches to medicine are proving far superior for moderate level depressions (which can still be suicidal ideation).

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#159
Whatever water has passed by the bridge is passed. Ignore it.

If you’re healthy, mid-40s, positive net worth, logical mind, and engineering degree, you’re starting so far ahead of the median condition that it’s almost not funny.

The tech job market is temporarily depressed, but I think that will start coming back in 2023.

Don’t focus on the past; realize you have a great position right now and that it’s just a framing question as to whether you see right now as a starting point or not.

Mid-40s is not too late to have a spouse, kids, a house, etc. Plenty of people have started from far worse and done just fine without any exceptional luck.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#160
First, way to go! You've chosen to be vulnerable, and that is a great first step.

Second, get a therapist. It may seem expensive, and not helpful at first, but as I'm sure you already felt in writing this post, just talking about your thoughts and issues really does help.

Third, it's NEVER too late. I'm 42 and learning and growing daily. I've had to change a lot in the last decade to remain 1) relevant, and 2) in the loop.

I've had to learn to network again, because my original network of friends and colleagues dried up. It's possible, and after you start with a therapist, it'll be easier and more rewarding than ever before.

Finally, and I can't stress this enough, get out and do service for others. Soup kitchens, shoveling snow, cutting grass, whatever you can do. It will give you an immediate jolt of worth, and make the world a better place for all involved.

I wish you luck friend. If you need more talking, let me know utahcon [at] utahcon dot com

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