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Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#151

Post by futureshock »

downut wrote: post #46
telman17 wrote: post #3

I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. We have a budget and try to stick to it and have occasional vacations or upgrade something in the house. When it comes to finances we are a single unit and…

42 years in and it is still one pot of money. My wife makes the money now, and has for 15 years. But we have swapped a half dozen times over the years. For instance when the child was born and she took 3 years off, or I got a relocation and she took a few years off. I can cook and clean and do all the work around the house and whatever meta overhead needs to be done, so it has worked out fine. Right now she is sick o…

I am bristling a bit at the suggestion that split finances lead to divorce. I honestly don’t think it changes anything fundamental. You either agree on your priorities and approach to life and finances, and therefore spend your money in a roughly compatible way automatically, or you don’t. Keeping money in one pot does not automatically align or keep you aligned. It’s either a problem or it’s not. Doesn’t matter where you put it.

In my relationship, we avoid force or ways to control the other person. It’s a voluntary relationship. Love is the glue, not a shared bank account or financial dependence.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#153

Post by ericmay »

futureshock wrote: post #151
downut wrote: post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

42 years in and it is still one pot of money. My wife makes the money now, and has for 15 years. But we have swapped a half dozen times over the years. For instance when the child was born and she took 3 years off, or I got a relocation and she took a few years off. I can cook and clean and do all the work around the house and whatever meta overhead needs to be done, so it has worked out fine. Right now she is sick o…

I am bristling a bit at the suggestion that split finances lead to divorce. I honestly don’t think it changes anything fundamental. You either agree on your priorities and approach to life and finances, and therefore spend your money in a roughly compatible way automatically, or you don’t. Keeping money in one pot does not automatically align or keep you aligned. It’s either a problem or it’s not. Doesn’t matter wher…

I bet split finances is a risk factor leading toward a divorce though. This is probably a higher risk factor if your incomes significantly diverge. If one spouse is making 2.5x the other one and they’re splitting their budget (if they budget… lack of one is probably another risk factor) like college roommates that screams “problem” to me. One spouse is basically living a whole different life. It just isn’t going to work most of the time.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#155

Post by BTBurke »

just-ok wrote: post #116

Why do all of these smart, mathy STEM folk on HN have such imprecise takes on this topic? 1 account for both of you, filled proportionally to your incomes until your monthly expenses are covered + any savings you agree on. This is for rent, food, vacations, childcare, etc. You make more than your partner? Tough, you joined them in the equal partnership known as marriage. 1 account for each of you, for everything else…

Precision in this particular case is the enemy of happiness.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#156

Post by bradlys »

We got divorced. She refused to make more money even though she was capable, felt entitled to everything I was slaving for and that everything should go to her specifically and my needs weren’t important, and I was tired of it.

She now makes a lot more money. In the end - I got her to change but it cost everything to do it.

I found that some men are slightly resentful about large wage gaps but ultimately are like - “whatever… is what it is.” I find most women are intolerant of them making more money than their partner and find their partner significantly less attractive. They exhibit a lot of behaviors like your wife does.

There’s no solution to this except having married someone who didn’t get so much cultural brain rot instilled into them. The idea that men should always be breadwinners and take care of and baby wives is something that should be long gone - but most women (even progressive ones) still hold onto this value dearly. Most women I’ve met want to be coddled in some way. The difference between men and women here is that men will do what their wife wants but women won’t do what their husband wants. :shrug:

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#157

Post by oijnhd »

jononomo wrote: post #38

A lot of commenters are completely overlooking the gender dynamic here. A husband earning much more than his wife is different than a wife earning much more than her husband.

If, as you imply, he feels emasculated by his wife earning more, that's his problem to solve with himself first. His wife shouldn't have to take the brunt of this on top of what is likely a high stress, high pressure career.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#158

Post by oijnhd »

anonymouse7 wrote: post #45

It's hard for many women to be making more than their husbands. 1. They are not socialized to be the breadwinners. 2. It seems unfair to them if they bringing in the bacon, and doing most of the household management and emotional labor, and physically bearing the children. In the case of no. 2, it's much easier, cheaper, and hassle-free to just to get a situationship, as a woman. If she's worried you are "taking adva…

That is a great point, and on top of that it sounds like he's wearing his resentment on his sleeve.

No doubt if she gets completely fed up of this and leaves, he'll find a way to blame her for that too.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#159

Post by serverholic »

bradlys wrote: post #156

We got divorced. She refused to make more money even though she was capable, felt entitled to everything I was slaving for and that everything should go to her specifically and my needs weren’t important, and I was tired of it. She now makes a lot more money. In the end - I got her to change but it cost everything to do it. I found that some men are slightly resentful about large wage gaps but ultimately are like - “…

You’re implying her behavior is entirely culturally learned and I don’t think I buy that.

I think it’s also plausible that most women are naturally driven towards men they view as equal to or better than themselves. One way of doing that is ensuring a man can take care of her.

As always, corner cases exist.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#160

Post by d1sxeyes »

My wife and I borrowed a system from a friend: we each keep 20% of our net, and the remaining 80% goes into a shared account.

We’ve tweaked it now she’s on maternity leave so we each get 10% of our combined net income. Keeps things fair and progressive.

It works well, we never argue about money.

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