Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

I wish I had understood (not just known) that I was going to have to give up a lot of my time and activities. That I needed to let go of them to grab on to something else - time with my children, a relationship with them. I held on to trying to keep some time to myself, and didn't give as much of myself as I should have to my children.

On the other hand... Martin Mull said, "Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain." You need to keep some space for your own thoughts amid all the noise that kids can bring. So there's a balance, and going too far in either direction will cause problems. In retrospect, I see which side I was off on.

Oh, and expect to get teary eyes reading comments like this :)

Boxes, my kids loved boxes! Often more than they toy that came in them. Plus brown boxes can be anything, encourage them draw on them, make fairy castles, forts, houses, spaceships. We took countless trips to the moon and planets with my kids in a box. Add in a few blankets and the possibilities are endless!

Also, painters' tape. Comes off without staining or damaging things.

(Although, this is more for kids who are 3+, than newborns, of course.)

- Every baby and every toddler is super different. Really. I can't believe how much generic advice is given in classes and such. Then they come out and you are like: what the hell? Why is my kid trying to put his head in the toilet or jump out the window, while my friend's kid is eating with a fork in a pink dress and putting together a puzzle (don't mean to gender-stereotype here, although I learned with some sadness that this is not off entirely when it comes to personalities...). Bottom line: your kid's personality can make a HUGE difference in your quality of life in the first few years.

- Sleeping. I was highly suspect of the fact that all those sidecar-style bassinets were sold as almost brand-new...well, it's because there is a significant portion of babies who don't want to sleep apart from their mommy. Our kiddo would not leave a warm body for 4 months. Now try to marry that with safe sleeping recommendations. Pure hell.

I am adamantly against sleep training. I think it's a cruel practice and industry created so adults can go back to work. Which most of us we have to, shortly after having a baby or giving birth. So those things are extremely hard to marry. FOr me, I took the hit (instead of the baby taking the hit). Highly recommend watching this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCZzzqFkyiU&t=2s, and Gabor Mate: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tdljIW86e8

- I can't emphasize enough how important it is that you jump in and help your wife/parther 50-100% more than you think you should. I can't emphasize how hard birth is for the mother. And how hard the early months and years are. There is a peculiar silence around the fact that we go through a major medical event, then are supposed to hop right back on the horse and share things 50-50 with our partner. Whereas our bodies are already taking 70-90% of the work. Add to that that the shitty division of labor in our society (and every other) where women's emotional labor (all the appointments, all the supplies, all the clothes, etc.) is already huge, and THIS is what leads to divorce. Not the lack of dates (although I too vote for making room for dates, or at least simple short emotional check-ins with your partner). Recommended reading: https://bookshop.org/books/how-not-to-hate-your-husband-afte...

Good luck! You'll make a great dad! <3