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Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

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Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#151

Post by vanviegen »

doktorhladnjak wrote: post #127
cybervegan wrote: post #114

As an autistic person (and I'm not suggesting OP is also an aspie), I can say that all the advice that amounts to "just put yourself out there" is worse than useless; you only see things the way you do because those interactions come naturally to you, and you instinctively know how to process and act on them. People who are socially awkward are often unable to do this. It's like saying to someone who is not good a ma…

Agreed. It is tiresome. Starving? Just eat some food Insomniac? Just go to sleep Socially anxious? Just be more social No friends? Just put yourself out there All the same useless advice

Do you notice how your last example (the one that was actually suggested by GP) doesn't fit the pattern? That would be:

No friends? Just get more friends.

The advice as given by GP is at least somewhat actionable.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#152

Post by nynx »

I didn’t make good friends in college until my second year—actually until I took a semester off and then came back. I didn’t make good friends in my major until halfway through my junior year. One of the reasons I switched from CS into Engineering Science (aka Engineering Physics) was because a lot of my CS classmates were pretty uninteresting.

These things take time. Don’t rush into friendships with people you don’t like.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#153

Post by xiphias2 »

robcohen wrote: post #119

1. Join a bunch of clubs that interest you. Go consistently. Join clubs that you might enjoy but improve your social skills (acting, improv, debate, etc). Don't just hang out with the same people all the time. 2. Treat being social as a skill. Schedule time that you go out and force yourself to speak to people you don't know. Learn to care less about what others think of you, and learn to accept rejection. 3. Learn t…

I would expand on number 5: maximize your looks, do bodybuilding or calisthenics (be able to do at least 10 pull ups and 30 push ups). Make sure that your clothes fit. People are drawn to better looking people subconciously in real life. Also I’m more confident in talking to other people when I’m in a good shape.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#154

Post by kradeelav »

Want to give you some reassurance from somebody who was in that exact same position all 4 years of college and only found my stride socially during the career later on:

Sometimes college kids can be a bit shallow and immature and also don't have the social skills to keep friendships going from their side - friendship is a two way street. Definitely "try" a few methods to see if something sticks, and get involved in 2-3 clubs if you've got the bandwidth, but don't think it's the end of the world if nothing does stick. Get what you can from college (internships!!) and know it's not going to be the same thing for the rest of your life.

I was an introvert, disabled, had hearing issues, in hindsight also had hygiene issues that I've since taken care of, and was dangerously depressed during my junior year which didn't help matters. I basically camped out at the library either borrowing books or games, did my four years, and still have no connections from that time.

What worked was showing up in-person at my current workplace and climbing up the ranks with my coworkers and getting to know them on a personal level, as well as going through several rough work changes. See if an internship offers a different social group than college does.

(Also a woman - so, having a few issues being social isn't just a gendered thing, even if it skews a certain way.)

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#155

Post by drooby »

doktorhladnjak wrote: post #127
cybervegan wrote: post #114

As an autistic person (and I'm not suggesting OP is also an aspie), I can say that all the advice that amounts to "just put yourself out there" is worse than useless; you only see things the way you do because those interactions come naturally to you, and you instinctively know how to process and act on them. People who are socially awkward are often unable to do this. It's like saying to someone who is not good a ma…

Agreed. It is tiresome. Starving? Just eat some food Insomniac? Just go to sleep Socially anxious? Just be more social No friends? Just put yourself out there All the same useless advice

Being more social was a legit solution for me for social anxiety. It’s called exposure therapy and has quite a bit of research to back up its efficacy if done properly.

This seems like the classic confusion caused by conflating “simple” and “easy”. Simple advice may be useful.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#156

Post by rufus_foreman »

Buy a guitar. Play it loud. Get fucked up on alcohol and drugs. You will get kicked off campus. This is your first sign of success. Play the guitar louder. Drink more and do more drugs. All these fuck ups that are still around? One of those is your drummer. This is the crux. Which one is it?

Answering this question correctly results in absolute freedom and the actualization of your soul.

Or like do meetups or something. Jesus Christ. How the fuck would I know.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#157

Post by srvmshr »

PKop wrote: post #24

True friendship comes mostly from shared struggle. Think sports teams, military, small teams at work, even childhood friends and the experience growing up. It is hard to establish anything meaningful of a connection with casual interactions, and expecting to just "party/play hard" with people you don't really know is putting the cart before the horse. First you must work hard together. I'd suggest joining a Crossfit…

> True friendship comes mostly from shared struggle. Think sports teams, military, small teams at work, even childhood friends and the experience growing up.

Have two "forever" friendships over 20 years, where we talk almost every day & have been around for good & bad in each other's lives, even though on different continents for past 12 years.

You have to believe me when I profess that such friendships are 'forged over blood, sweat, rum and tears'.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#158

Post by shaftoe »

rhn_mk1 wrote: post #93
polalavik wrote: post #89

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Just say yes to the next offer you get While they should be saying yes to opportunities to connect with people, I'm not sure if this particular advice is great. If I was in a similar situation to the author of the post, I would find this particular advice demoralizing. It assumes the author of the post has what they are stressing they do NOT have - friends and offers of things to do. If you are not connecting with…

This is too narrow a view. Social events are widely advertised, the offer does not need to be directed specifically at you.

Maybe, but I have rarely experienced wide advertisement (that was intended to include me) and don't know where to begin. I agree that this is off-putting advice.

Many social activities assume you're showing up with friends. If you have none, they're akward and depressing.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#159

Post by fernovus »

robcohen wrote: post #119

1. Join a bunch of clubs that interest you. Go consistently. Join clubs that you might enjoy but improve your social skills (acting, improv, debate, etc). Don't just hang out with the same people all the time. 2. Treat being social as a skill. Schedule time that you go out and force yourself to speak to people you don't know. Learn to care less about what others think of you, and learn to accept rejection. 3. Learn t…

> 4. Keep track of everyone you speak to. Everyone. Write down what they mentioned they liked, who their family is, what matters to them. Maintain their contact. Reach out during holidays and birthdays in a heartfelt way.

https://www.monicahq.com/

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#160

Post by MandieD »

robcohen wrote: post #119

1. Join a bunch of clubs that interest you. Go consistently. Join clubs that you might enjoy but improve your social skills (acting, improv, debate, etc). Don't just hang out with the same people all the time. 2. Treat being social as a skill. Schedule time that you go out and force yourself to speak to people you don't know. Learn to care less about what others think of you, and learn to accept rejection. 3. Learn t…

4) do this after you get home - don’t literally jot that stuff down in a notebook while talking to them. You may forget some details, that’s ok. The important part is that you’ll think over that interaction while it’s fresh on your mind.

5) (not saying that you specifically are guilty of this, just adding it for completeness) and wear clean clothes. This was a hygiene fail that I, a female CS major, was subjected to by classmates more often than not showering regularly. Depending on what you’re doing and what your climate is like, most college-age guys should probably wash a t-shirt after a day of wear, button-downs after two (if you had a t-shirt under it), and jeans after three or four, but for the love of all that is holy, do not wear socks or undies more than one day.

(Edited to add) Laundry hack I learned from non-stinky husband: instead of putting them in the dryer, hang up button-down shirts while still wet to avoid pretty much all ironing.

I am going into detail on this because of a direct report I had to awkwardly counsel after the customer started making remarks. Sources of information on safe laundry intervals for young men: CS guy friends who were not stinky, said non-stinky husband

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