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Ask HN: How to be alone?

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Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#141

Post by rowlandc »

This post really resonated with me - I've been there, similar age in fact, and found it challenging... however in the time since, I've learned to love and value my time alone. I don't get it too much these days, but when I do, I embrace it.

Find connections. Join a club. Take up a hobby. Make the most of your time alone - deliberate actions on weekends, like going for a swim (you'll meet people if you swim regularly), a hike (same), buy a motorbike and join a casual riding club, take up amateur radio and make nerdy friends, work in a co-working space and get to know people even if you don't work "with" them, you can still work with them.

Then there's the more unusual suggestions which can be just as much fun - and I've done many of these and found value in them! Join a local volunteer fire brigade if you have one. Take a class and learn something new. Never been artistic? Join your local community college and take a class.

Life can be hollow, and as I tell my kids, it's what you fill it with that makes it full. Just as with boredom.. sometimes its good to be bored, and sometimes its good to experience hollowness and down, because then the ups feel so much more real.

I wouldn't jump straight into a new relationship (or even try to). Learn to love yourself and live with yourself, and the right person will come when they do and not a moment before. Lean on friends and family when you need support, and be there for others when they need it too. This is great for the soul.

It's a challenge, but not an insurmountable one.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#142

Post by Smaug123 »

throw-qqqqq wrote: post #128
Smaug123 wrote: post #123

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sure, for a martial art it's pretty safe - still in a different league from (say) bouldering or lifting, though! And in solo sports, you can almost completely set your own safety budget, whereas in martial arts there's a large irreducible lump of danger from "the other person lacks the control to do something safely". The only other person I know in person who does BJJ who I didn't meet at BJJ is a brown belt, and ju…

Wow okay. Maybe my club is “gentle”, I’ve never had a single injury from BJJ. I’ve had some from lifting weights. I see your point about solo sports. > Also how on earth are you managing not to get bruises at BJJ Oh I get “finger marks” on the arms for sure, but never got a black eye or a nosebleed from BJJ. I got that quite regularly from boxing and muay thai/MMA training.

Fair enough, I got three black eyes within my first three months! The injury situation definitely gets better as you improve and when you train with more skilled people.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#143

Post by sqircles »

I would recommend trying out an active activity in your community that seems to be pretty popular. Not only will the physical activity be beneficial in physical and mental ways, but the communities are usually pretty welcoming to newcomers. I've met some great people via pickle ball, tennis, table tennis, jiu jitsu, and rock climbing gyms.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#144

Post by ebbi »

I was in a similar place a few years ago. I'll just list what worked for me, so it's not assuming you don't do any of this currently.

But firstly, know that things will get better over time. You need time to get through all the emotions, the new environment, the new way of life. I didn't know it at the time, but looking back at it, I wish I had this on my mind each day to just eke out any bit of positivity I could.

But the five main things I changed in my life to get me to feel better: 1. Lift weights. I didn't necessarily go to a gym, so there was no additional social aspect from this, so doing so would probably help. But I bought some gym gear and worked out at home religiously. Had a plan, tracked it on a spreadsheet, and measured and reviewed progress every two weeks. Really helped with the confidence, and there's a lot of research that shows exercise is good for mood and depression.

2. Walk everyday - ideally outside in the sun. I got up early, went for a walk so that I caught the sunrise during it. This was probably one of the biggest changes I made that improved my mood and wellbeing, that I continue to do it religiously today.

3. Learn a new skill. For me that was 3d modelling. Just having something new to do, and tracking progress, really helped with my self confidence. Though if you're not in the habit of lifting, you could combine this and [1] if you're learning to lift.

4. Changed my diet. This was a natural change from lifting. Eating whole foods, and reduced the junk (still enjoyed some pizza/fried chicken on weekends), but otherwise it was healthy foods during the week.

5. Volunteering. Sometimes at a food bank to feed the homeless, and sometimes helping a local group who was in charge of restoration of a creek which required cleaning/tree planting etc. It's amazing what doing something for others does for yourself.

Things will get better for you - no doubt!

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#145

Post by aerhardt »

Reading makes me feel addicted to life.

I was a decent reader as a kid, then for the longest time I couldn’t read. I got psychological help to recover my attention, and gently started reading 10 mins of something easy after waking up. Now I read at a pace of about 1.5 books per week and I can’t get enough of it. There are so my worlds that I want to explore further. Russian literature. The history of ideas. Sci-fi. 19th century France. Computer science. So many books, so little time!

Reading can generate many virtuous cycles. It requires attention, but begets attention. It can calm the mind and feel meditative. It can inspire thought and sometimes useful action. It can help you be more interesting in conversation. It can become addictive, but rarely as much as screens and won’t make you miss social opportunities.

It’s not for everyone but my theory is that if you’ve ever been immersed in two or three books at any point in your life, there’s a good chance that the potential is in you to scale it to a fulfilling habit.

I really hope you sort things out and find meaning one way or another. I’m glad that at you’re in good professional hands - that is a great first step.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#146

Post by etyhhgfff »

sillysaurusx wrote: post #56
maininformer wrote: post #45

Hey friend, I am also 38, and I am also recently "aloned". I had a break up in August and lived with my parents until February. At first it was strange, I was acutely feeling the loneliness. But gradually I started seeing its upsides, and I am beginning to dangerously enjoy it haha. I am using the time and space to take care of and express myself. Live slowly, cook myself warm dinners, nice coffees; I made a cozy noo…

Thank you for the thoughtful comment. And particularly for: > I feel grateful as I am gently scrubbing the mirror for instance for helping me fix up my appearance If you'd like to chat, my email's in my profile. Thanks for the book recommendation too.

I can second that the Book or even better Audiobook (read by Tolle himself) The Power of Now can have profound impact on ones life. I would recommend to give it a shot.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#148

Post by rustyhancock »

That's a really tough situation, but with some active work it's manageable.

Most important to remember that the feeling of loss you have for your family connection, is real, is okay. But like all things you will learn to live with it and see benefits in it if you work at it.

Nothing can replace meeting people, new (seeing people and talking to people) and familiar (family & friends).

So how does someone in your situation achieve this?

Well you've mentioned hobbies and this is your best option:

- is there a board game cafe near you? They often run social events especially DnD open nights.

- adult education classes. In person is good but online is fine..why don't you see who runs online courses? Location matters less. French, Spanish, Japanese?

- activities, these are great but need to have a connection to them. Swim clubs are great as are bouldering/climbing clubs.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#150

Post by joshuamcginnis »

I'm truly sorry to hear about your suffering. Have you considered giving your life to Jesus? It can be a great source of healing and comfort in your time of need. I'd be happy to talk to you about (even privately) if it would be helpful.
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