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Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

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Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#141

Post by swat535 »

tedivm wrote: post #42

I am absolutely blown away by the number of people who are saying that this person, who is clearly depressed and likely burnt out, can solve all of his problems by having children. It is the most insane advice I have ever seen on this site. Jumping to a lifetime commitment as a kneejerk reaction is just so wild to me. Maybe start with a hobby? This guy is working a full time job and a side hustle, but doesn't seem to…

No, there is nothing "insane" about suggesting people to at a minimum _consider_ starting a family or think about children. It's what humans have been doing for thousands of years and many find fulfillment in it.

Additionally, OP clearly stated that he is not "16" and doesn't want to explore "hobbies". As I mentioned in my comment below thread, exposing him to diverse point of views can help him figure it out on his own.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#143

Post by kylebenzle »

mooreds wrote: post #105
kylebenzle wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sure, until you make a little money and she leaves you to take the house, kids, 1/2 your money and 30% off the top of your salary for the next 10 years. Seriously, there is a VERY good reason men are refusing to start families in the US and brith rates are dropping. I tell my son and all young men I meet, "DO NOT get married or have kids in America until they rollback no fault divorce". Until then all financial incen…

Heya, sorry to hear about your experiences. I know precisely zero folks who have been in that situation (wife leaving as soon as some money is made) but it sounds horrible. I do know folks who have been through divorce and I don't think it is as flippant a decision on anyone's part as you imply. My comment was based, as all comments are, on my experience. Lots of reasons for birth rates dropping, for sure, according…

I'm just saying there is a VERY good reason for intelligent young men to avoid marrage like the plague. The second you say, "I do" the countdown timer starts and divorce in America is broken, biased and expensive.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#144

Post by sameerds »

You maybe depressed, maybe not, I don't know enough about all that. But meeting a therapist is a big yes. Don't shy away from it. Go consult one.

Having said that, don't punish yourself so much. Most people feel what you are feeling, most of the time. You just went through a big change in your life, and now you are wondering why it didn't help. Maybe you are blaming yourself for making all these changes. But guess what, you were focused enough to get it done, and maybe it didn't pan out. It's too early to say whether it did or not.

It's actually okay for things to not work out the way you want. The real problem is to consciously or unconsciously expect results for everything you do. And then finding fault in yourself when results don't show up. Don't punish yourself by doing that. Let things be for some time. Take pleasure in small everyday things, like making a breakfast that you enjoy. Look forward to things. Don't try to find things to look forward to, instead just look forward to routine things that are part of your life anyway.

In other words, relax. And consult a therapist.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#145

Post by jacknews »

Sounds like mid-life crisis!

Go out and buy a fast car, teenage fashions, and pick up a young girlfriend or two, lol.

But seriously, try a new hobby (and meet other people doing it), learn a language or musical instrument, join a choir, take up a sport, volunteer for charity work, teach a coding club, etc. You'll find there is life outside of work.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#146

Post by jacknews »

throwaway_32u10 wrote: post #98

OP Here. This blew up fast. I'll provide more context in this comment rather than commenting individually for the sake of not repeating myself. First of all, children and family. I am considering this, but I doubt this is the solution to all problems. I agree with people who say it can provide a sense of purpose, but I also agree with people who think it's a bit irresponsible to recommend children to a stranger who s…

" I'm not 16 years old. I have grown up responsibilities, and I can't indulge myself in new hobbies every day. I'm focused (as much as I can) on building a business in order to escape the soul crashing tech industry ..."

But you're not escaping yourself, and those priorities, and that's probably why you feel trapped. Box your job into a 'job' category, along with the business and 'getting rich' and so on, and use the time outside that to explore other things life has to offer. Hobbies, sports, volunteering, may not sound enticing superficially but it's about meeting new and different people and getting outside yourself and your rut.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#147

Post by ivm »

temporarely wrote: post #109
thatswrong0 wrote: post #68

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For real. The concept of “you have to love yourself before you can love others” is cliché but.. bringing kids into the world, that are a massive responsibility, I think should be a decision made with a full understanding of the work and love needed to do it right. How tf are you gonna have the emotional capacity for kids if you don’t have it even for yourself??

All happiness is rooted on purposive and positive mental ideation of one's existence. Having children will affect your mindset and worldview; for almost everyone I know this change has been positive.

> All happiness is rooted on purposive and positive mental ideation of one's existence.

This is just one of many views on the nature of happiness. For example, Buddhists have another view on it, including the possibility of achieving the unconditioned happiness (nibbana).

> Having children will affect your mindset and worldview; for almost everyone I know this change has been positive.

"Almost", so there's still a chance it could be a negative change on a personal level, even before considering genetic risks. I think a gamble like that can't be suggested to a depressed person.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#148

Post by ivm »

macspoofing wrote: post #133
pavel_lishin wrote: post #89

Earlier quoted context omitted.

None of this is universal.

It's universal enough. There are people who are not cut out for having a spouse or children - they are a minority.

It's not universal enough to be advised to someone as a solution, increasing the already existing social pressure to have children, and also exposing both the potential parent and child to the risk of lifelong unhappiness together.

Also "spouse or children" – those are too different, Personally, I've been married for over a decade, but I don't have the emotional capacity to be a parent and desire to have kids in the first place.

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