i've got the same problem but the opposite way, i'm struggling on not bringing emotion from home to work
Ask HN: How to not bring emotion from work back home?
141–150 of 244 posts
Re: Ask HN: How to not bring emotion from work back home?
#142I know some people here have suggested jumping to another position, which certainly is a viable option, but consider the fact that emotional hardship will always occur in our lifetimes. Similarly, it's worth gaining some self-awareness around why things are activating, whether they be good or bad (activating or deregulating your system in a heightened state or a low-energy state). My advice is see a therapist on a so…
I like the analogy to body maintenance.
I think we should just admit that therapists have two modes - an acute mode for treating the mentally ill, and a "personal trainer" mode. With the latter, therapists do the same for the mind that personal trainers do for the body: they teach you to feel and occupy your mind so you best know how to gain strength, avoid injury, and move with economy and grace. They catch bad postures and minor twinges before they lead to strain and injury. They identify and strengthen weak points in order to keep the whole thing in balance.
You can live without a therapist-trainer just like you can live life without a personal trainer. But those lucky enough to have one will live a life with less injury and hardship, and have accomplishment and contentment within easier reach.
People in "life-long therapy" tend to be the objects of ridicule. But IMO many of them (maybe unconsciously?) are actually onto something - that lifelong therapy is actually a pretty good idea. Maybe they keep coming back not because they are self-involved and enjoy drama, but because they've found that, even though they can do without just fine, they do much better with.
Re: Ask HN: How to not bring emotion from work back home?
#143Take a long walk home. "I can't! I live far away from my job." Yes you can: get out on a bus/train/whatever stop before your home. 1 hour walking is ~5 Km. "I drive home bro." So park it 5 km before your work.
I usually would stop by grocery shop instead, and walk around looking for ideas to cook. But this is because I enjoy cooking and anyone in the house will not talk _heavy_ things while I am in the kitchen. I'm basically buying time for myself to be _not really at home_ for the first few hours.
Re: Ask HN: How to not bring emotion from work back home?
#144Get a new job before your entrepreneur spirit is crushed. Just quit. Seriously! There are way better gigs. Put that passion into something that can change the world.
Re: Ask HN: How to not bring emotion from work back home?
#145It is hard, but always remember that people are responding to the situation, to their own drivers/measures, and their own issues, and _not_ first and foremost to the person you are - but to the message you deliver.
That isn't easy, but if you can forgive their action/reaction and don't focus on the person, you can start to separate those feelings out.
Take time in your responses to others - don't feel you need to respond to that email until you've had time to think it through, sleep on it if needs be. Do what you can to diffuse the situation.
But first and foremost question if this is the right company/culture for you. I've had working experiences that have upset me, but talking with people at the company actually helped to bring about great change - so I didn't need to leave (which was an option), but if it hadn't I certainly would have left, and I'm certain I would have found something new that I loved. In the end I did move on (for other reasons) and have found a position in a very supportive company - the benefits to me personally are huge and I'm sure they also positively impact my family and friends. Don't 'wear' the pain.
Lastly: http://www.explainxkcd.com/wiki/index.php/1768:_Settling
Re: Ask HN: How to not bring emotion from work back home?
#146The thread is full of great answers and advices, but I haven't came across this one: I was dealing with similar situation like you. I had a hard time to find peace after work at home. I was looking for advices around and once came across an article(I can't find the article) which recommended that you should not stop doing activities which you liked as a child when you are an adult. When I was thinking about it, that…
this resonates a lot. I recently moved and now I have the space for a desk at home which allows me to play video games again, which I loved doing at a kid (starcraft, etc) and had to stop doing due to space for 4-5 years. Now that I picked up video games again, I feel better and it's the best way for me to get my mind off work!
I do the same, video game sessions are great for refocusing, specially for weekends. Friday night gaming will take my mind off work. Early Saturday exercise allows me to start the weekend well. Given that I can leave your laptop at work, I try to have another computer at home so there is no way for me to access work email. I also snooze all work notifications in my phone. That gives me space to work on my own projects during the weekend and reclaim my mind's focus.
Gaming is just one of the things but an important activity.
Re: Ask HN: How to not bring emotion from work back home?
#147I had same problem. Ended up developing personality change. It was like 'they are all idiots, what can i do!!' and now it is 'they are all idiots, great, i am here to take advantage of them'.
Re: Ask HN: How to not bring emotion from work back home?
#148My personal answer is that I'm a Christian and the teachings of the Bible directly address these issues.
Some of it involves a different worldview. Changing the world becomes both less important and more possible. It becomes easier to prioritize important things in life like caring for loved ones or for others who need help. The conflict of the day, whether political, personal, or work related, doesn't endanger the purpose of my life. The worth of my life is no longer defined by "success", power, happiness, or winning.
All this ties back, of course, to the Christ of the bible and His teachings. Ecclesiastes is also a powerful book when I'm feeling cynical. I honestly feel both Christ and Ecclesiastes are at time cynical and curmudgeonly; the positive examples are helpful to me. Reading and praying (about the reading, about life) probably serve the same purposes as the meditation techniques espoused in this thread, but it is more than just body hacking.
> Talk to people helps. But one person can only bear with you for so much. Even though it is a good friend/love you very much.
Talking to my church family and to a much greater extent God doesn't have the same issue. A healthy church family is a bigger group, all of whom are dedicated to your health in every way. And God has more than enough attention and patience for me.
In general people don't appreciate talk about religion, but people are advocating cycling, meditation, yoga, and major career changes. I hope a suggestion to read a bit of the Bible, say a few prayers, and trying something new Sunday morning isn't far off base.
For what it's worth, I've prayed for you Steve, that you can find emotional health and success in your life.
Re: Ask HN: How to not bring emotion from work back home?
#149Truth is powerful. It is stronger than willpower.
Anger is not a primary emotion. It is a secondary emotion. It cannot exist without thought. This is fact.
Anger is a response to unmet expectations. You expect and feel you deserve some "state of the universe" whether it is success, recognition, remuneration, respect, or basic human treatment. You then do not receive that thing you expected and believed you deserved, had a right to, earned, or very much wanted. That mismatch is where anger comes from.
The first way to stop anger, is to stop it from growing. If you know where it comes from, then you can change your circumstances or your expectations. Your body is presumed to have overcome an invasive bacteria when it can stop the invader from net growth. The same thing works for anger.
Anger cannot remain unless you replenish it. If you do not feed it, it does not grow. Do not review the thing that "made you angry" over and over. There is an brain hijack where you get a short-term emotional high, and find it harder and harder to resist replenishing the anger. You can't tell yourself "don't think of pink elephant". Instead you can say think very hard of "a". Read "how to live on 24 hours a day" for a good guide on focus mind on single topic.
If you don't like living in a world that makes you angry, try to make it a world that does not make others angry. If even a small majority has this as their process, then you get to live in a world where others help you to be less angry, less unfulfilled, less disappointed. You might find that fulfilling.
After you have the mental and emotional roots resolved, then you can look elsewhere.
Also, stay away from prescribed hormones. They hack the wetware. They make your biology fight your mind, instead of being its servant.
Best of luck.
-EngrStudent
Re: Ask HN: How to not bring emotion from work back home?
#150I would encourage you to journal. It will help you to put language to your strong emotions and work out things that are troubling you. I wouldn't even worry about being coherent at first -- just try to get out all of the things you're feeling and why. It generally helps to do this in a quiet place.
Other folks have mentioned therapy / counseling -- which I highly recommend as well. I've gone to a marriage counselor with my wife for years and plan on doing it for the rest of my life (albeit only every 2-3 months now). You can take your notes to a therapist and make your sessions more productive.
Other folks have suggested switching jobs -- which might be a good idea. If you do have to switch jobs, you'll be able to make a more informed decision about what works (and doesn't work) for you in a work environment.