Ask HN: How do you structure your shared finances with your spouse/partner

This is how we do it:

We have a joint checking account, a joint savings account, and two individual checking accounts. There is a shared credit card, and both of our individual checking accounts have a card attached.

* Both our paychecks go directly into the joint checking account

* On the 14th and 28th, an automatic transfer moves an equal amount to both our individual checking accounts

* On the same cadence, an automatic transfer moves money from joint checking to our joint savings account

I used to keep track of everything in a spreadsheet that had all expected paycheck deposits and bill expenses plotted out for the year. It was great being able to see at a glance if the checking account was in danger of going in the red. Ultimately I moved to a double-entry system using hledger. It's a little less convenient for seeing future balances, but a whole lot more flexible.

Bills are paid from the joint checking (and the joint credit card). The money that trickles in to our individual checking accounts are ours to do with as we please (although we've agreed to maintain a minimum $1000 balance for emergencies and to avoid bank fees).

This works out great because we get autonomy over personal purchases, but also responsibility: If I want to buy a new laptop, I can do so without feeling guilty, but I also have to save for it -- just like when I was a kid. We can also fudge it using shared money when we want to, but we have to communicate and agree on it. And of course, any large shared purchases we talk about first.

Another reason we arrived at this arrangement was for security against identity theft and fraud. Early in our marriage, we did everything out of a single joint checking account that had a debit card attached. Inevitably, the card became compromised. We caught the issue quickly and alerted the bank, but there was about a week where our account was frozen and we couldn't touch our own money. Lesson learned: NEVER use a debit card with your main checking account.

In the current arrangement, our joint checking has no debit card attached. Our inididual accounts do have debit cards, but I made sure to tell the bank not to give those cards any access to the joint checking or savings accounts. If a card gets compromised, there's a limited amount of damage they can do, and it won't affect our paychecks coming in or bills going out.

Overall, I feel like we arrived at an elegant solution for our situation (no kids, neither of us are contractors). It doesn't matter who makes more, we both get the same allowance based on our combined efforts. Whatever arrangement you end up with, however, communication should be a key element.

This is what I was wondering, and why I suggested there might be some kind of emotional disorder involved. From your most recent post you sound completely normal, the marriage wasn't working out and you felt like it was hostile. This sounds like a pretty typical failed marriage.

From your original post, you simply said "Eventually I admitted I didn't want a partner who never had any income of their own." as the only motivation for why you divorced, and in your initial response you didn't seem to be surprised by my interpretation at all.

Thank you for tolerating my curiosity!

We are both completely aware of each other's incomes and expenses (we maintain a common expense manager).

When we got married, there was an immense difference in our incomes (I earned 10x more than her), so we decided that I would bear all the expenses and she could save her income for her future business plans.

Since I left my job to focus full-time on my startup last year, our incomes have been almost equal. Now, I pay the rent and the bills, and she handles all other expenses (groceries, appliances, travel plans, gifting and other purchases).

We transfer money to each other's accounts whenever there is a need (it's mostly from her to mine). Transparency is the key to happiness here.