Ask HN: How do you protect your children from internet addiction?

After getting dumped as a teen, I slipped into a dangerous, self-loathing depression. When I could not find the motivation to call up my friends or organize anything, I could at least message them on AOL Instant Messenger. When my offline peers didn't share my interests, I could find peers that did online - in IRC and in forums. I could lurk even if I couldn't be bothered to talk. Games, music, programming, and technology allowed me to distract myself from the worst of my thoughts and rumination, even when my studies couldn't. I could vent behind a psuedonum instead of worrying those closest to me. My self-found mentors in technology spanned the globe, scattered across the timezones, giving me guidance and new perspectives, despite being hidden behind online psuedonyms without means of other contact.

It perhaps wasn't the healthiest coping mechanism for depression, nor the healthiest relationship with technology, but there are far worse alternatives. And when intelligent, well meaning family labeled me a computer/internet addict when my grades suffered - and largely took away said coping mechanism with incredibly strict limits on my use of technology when I'd previously been given near unlimited free reign - they did not improve the situation or provide better substitutes. They instead made things much worse. The last thing a moody depressed teen needs is severe social isolation, the destruction of their hobbies, and a whole bunch of previously occupied time suddenly be free and in need of filling, when the filler of default is to ruminate.

When I failed to convince them to ease up, I did pick up some new hobbies to distract myself - such as arguing and rebellion, and plotting to break free from their control and gain my independence when I finally came of age. Years(?) later, they eventually backtracked, realizing their meddling wasn't improving things, and would only lead to me being eventually estranged.

I guess my main takeaway here is to warn against assuming addiction is the fundamental problem. It can be a symptom. It can be an imperfect coping mechanism - an attempt at self medication. Limits can be reasonable, but going cold turkey can be incredibly disruptive. It might not kill like going cold turkey with alcohol or some drugs can - but that doesn't mean it can't cause damage.

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I still don't have a perfectly healthy relationship with technology, but it's okay to have some vices, and I've found some healthier activities. While you'll not find me in a gym, coworkers helped me pick up the habit of walking to lunch. Movie and board game nights give me an excuse to socialize more meaningfully offline while having fun - in part, ironically, by getting back in regular contact with people online with similar interests. I cook more. I now get paid to program, and lean towards leaving work at work. I eat with family from time to time.

I game significantly less now, simply because I gamed enough to get largely bored of it. At least I learned some about teamwork, coordination, and delegation in the process.

I'm not particularly motivated, but I'm at least independent. Pathologically independent to the point of automatically rejecting most familial help, but independent nonetheless.

I've been procrastinating on initiating and hosting more events to further improve my social life, but I'll get there eventually.

Since last year as things have normalized, we basically restarted a bunch of their sports activities. Both kids had reading requirements from school and both seem to be in a spot where they will read before bed by themselves. The elder one reads quite a bit, probably around 1-1.5 hrs at night. The younger kid about 20-25 mins. They still do about 5-8 hrs of screen time each week. Still too much in my opinion but they also do a lot of stuff not on screen.

I still haven’t given them phones or devices. I myself have an iPhone-6 so not much runs on it either. But as the big kid starts being more independent I think a phone is going to be necessary.

My advice, if any, is keep non screen activities and person to person activity a priority. But keep in mind that her friends may get video games a lot earlier and they do form peers online which translate into peers in person.

Brilliant! Way better than screens in my opinion.

The other part of the equation: The internet is an important aspect of the current generation's identity and culture. What seems like addiction to us could very well be our children's identity, lifestyle. The comparison to TVs is flawed because TV is not social. The unhealthy aspects have to be spoken about in the same vein as drinking and drugs, but any kind of limit-setting that doesn't acknowledge this might push children away from conversation.

There is an hilarious episode of Everybody Loves Raymond that goes into this with refreshing honesty.