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Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

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Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#131

Post by hatware »

itsmemattchung wrote: post #46

An honest reflection of being a father for the last 2.5 years: 1. Sometimes for no apparent reason, you'll start crying 2. Parenting is a constant cycle of ups and downs 3. Ask for help (it really does take a village) 4. Friends and family (even with good intentions) will always find something to nit-pick about your parenting style 5. Having a child will test your relationship with your partner and reveal that you tw…

> 1. Sometimes for no apparent reason, you'll start crying

I don't think this has anything to do with being a parent.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#132

Post by Keyframe »

itsmemattchung wrote: post #81
Freak_NL wrote: post #60

Not mentioned here yet, as this should be a no-brainer to most people, but if you're American and it's a boy: don't start his life by cutting of a perfectly good piece of penis (i.e., circumcision). That's his call, optionally (but probably not, rare medical conditions excepted) later in life. Don't do it just because the cornflakes guy said so. If you're going to do that anyway because of religion you won't be convi…

Fellow American here. Didn't realize circumcision was not at all prominent in the UK and Europe until I married my British wife. Also, there's a huge amount of cognitive dissonance in Americans when it comes to circumcision, so be prepared for backlash should you not circumcise your son. Netflix even has a documentary on the topic worth watching: 2018 American Circumcision

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Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#133

Post by denton-scratch »

bennyp101 wrote: post #63

Don't worry if you think you are doing it 'wrong', you aren't - just because a book or person says that "the way to deal with x is y" doesn't mean it will work for your kid - everyone is different, and we're all winging it! As others have said, make sure you carve out time for yourself and partner - I know it can be scary leaving them for the first time - but seriously, you both need it and it will only make it easie…

> we're all winging it!

This.

Everyone has to do it for the first time; most people never do it more than twice. Kids are incredibly resilient against mediochre parenting (but having an arsehole for a parent can seriously fuck you up, so if you're an arsehole please don't be a parent).

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#134

Post by ukd1 »

Make sure you (both) take enough time off. Find help so you can take at least one night out a week together. Everyone seems to have their own advice (e.g. literally had two nurses back to back give different advice...aka opinions), you've got to figure out your own, sometimes not perfect way. The kid will adapt, even when you make mistakes.

A lot of pediatricians seem incompetent. Double check their recommendations / work. e.g. "your baby didn't grow" -> "no, you weighted AND measured him wrong, do it again" -> "oh.". If you choose no circumision, American pediatricians seem to have zero idea what to do.

Monitors, we tried video + just sound monitors. Semi-obviously in retrospect, the video ones a) work less well b) take more of your focus. I've read the same about smart-monitors (no first hand), their unreliability ends up making things more stressful.

Stuff to buy for the start; wipewarmer (calmer changing time, as you don't put cold wetwipes on the baby), thermometer (for when you think they're too hot / cold constantly), tiny nail clippers or grider (as, their nails are sharp AF - cut you and themselves), if using formula a Baby Brezza mixer / warmer (it makes warm milk for you in seconds, rather than manually in minutes) + a bottle sterilizer to save time.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#135

Post by stakkur »

1. That children are 'babies' for all of a few months--then they're something different. And that cycle of having a 'different' child every several months continues the rest of their childhood.

2. You learn and become different at each of those stages, too.

3. There is no way to 'prepare' for fatherhood. It is utterly on the job training, and you just have to show up, do your best, and learn as you go.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#136

Post by Buttons840 »

denton-scratch wrote: post #128

* That they're not "blank slates". I thought that personalities were imposed by the parents, but that's not (on the whole) true. * Don't smack 'em. The only purpose it serves is to assuage your rage. You don't have to use violence to teach kids about hot cookers and electrical sockets. * Don't expect them to be like you. They won't; and especially as they enter their teens, they'll do their damnedest to be unlike you…

You're right, they are not blank states, and they are not entirely like you, but even so, there will be moments where you see a deep similarity that you know must be genetic, and it's quite satisfying.

And yes, physical punishment operates by fear. Avoid it. However, if they are violent with you, screaming or out of control, it might be ok. You're the judge of that. Make sure you're in control of yourself first.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#137

Post by octetta »

itsmemattchung wrote: post #78
itsmemattchung wrote: post #46

An honest reflection of being a father for the last 2.5 years: 1. Sometimes for no apparent reason, you'll start crying 2. Parenting is a constant cycle of ups and downs 3. Ask for help (it really does take a village) 4. Friends and family (even with good intentions) will always find something to nit-pick about your parenting style 5. Having a child will test your relationship with your partner and reveal that you tw…

11. Your career will suffer Point #11 is not necessarily a bad thing. Having a child is a forcing function, requiring you to really prioritize what's important (and not important) in your life. All of us only have 24 hours in the day. All of us have limits. Also, be prepared that not all fathers (especially in the corporate world) will see eye-to-eye. My relationship with one of my mentors dissolved practically overn…

My 3 kids are all grown and I have only now begun to realize why they have hard and “real” conversations with my wife and light and simple ones with me (to the frustration of my wife)… I suppose it’s because I was an absent parent. Do better than I did!

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#139

Post by plasma_beam »

stef25 wrote: post #27

Find a way to spend quality time with your partner. Once the dust has settled try to book some time where it's just the two of you. Get a babysitter and go out together one night in the week. Often you're so focused on the baby that years can go by until you realise you've ignored your relationship and then it can be very hard to fix or get back to some normal / happy state. Same for your regular friendships. Maintai…

+1000 Came here just to say this. Aside from being a good parent, you have to focus on your partner and you (that is assuming you want to, if not the case then please disregard). Without that relationship being healthy, everything changes. It spiraled into divorce for me two years later. Doesn’t need to be much, but learn to even go on dates with the baby. You can, and it helps. Flying is also not that bad - if you can, buy a seat for the baby, and you can just bring them on in their car seat. It took me 3 kids before I finally figured it out :) Good luck and congrats!

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#140

Post by RyanOD »

I'm sure some of this was already mentioned, but here it goes...

Read to your children. We set a goal of reading 100 novels to our daughters. We're at #80 and the girls are 13 and 11.

Create some traditions. Whenever either of our daughters lost a tooth, I'd write a letter from the tooth fairy. The letters offered advice, humor, fairy "facts" and even maps to buried treasure they could go dig up. In retrospect, I wish I'd done more creative things like this.

Build things together. Teach your children to use their hands. Clay, crochet, knitting, model building, woodworking, papercrafting, LEGO, playing an instrument, gardening, etc.

Don't rush things. Your young child doesn't need that new gadget or that new app or that new programming language. Stick with blocks, trains, LEGO, puzzles, model rockets, art, dress up, books, etc. as long as you can.

Give your children their freedom and let them fail. Children shouldn't be shielded from the world or from not succeeding. With struggle comes growth.

Always remember, some days of parenting seem to drag on forever, but the years will fly by. Try your best to be present and congratulations!

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