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Ask HN: Coping with cancer in the family

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Re: Ask HN: Coping with cancer in the family

#131

Post by truetraveller »

johnwheeler wrote: post #97

I have gone through this situation. In 2002 my mother passed away from cancer. It was by far the hardest and lowest point in my life. I won't go on about all the difficulties because they're too painful and personal to me, and your mother may not be terminal, but mine was so I'll speak from that experience. Here's what I wish I would have done more of: 1. Spend as much time as possible. Lay by her, watch TV, eat toge…

Thanks for the advice. If you don't mind me saying, you seem to be a very nice son. I can feel the loving bond you must have had with your mom. Above and beyond most I've seen on HN. I prayed for you, and I hope you are blessed with children who are just as kind to you.

This may be a little intrusive, so I apologize in advance. I'm curious to know if religion, for you, plays a role in being kind to your parents? As a Muslim, my religion strongly encourages us to be extra kind to our parents.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with cancer in the family

#132

Post by kortilla »

elt wrote: post #24

My daughter was diagnosed with cancer at 3 years old (stage 4). I took "family leave", which is possible depending on which state you live in (within the US at least). I was able to take three months of leave (at a reduced pay). I lived in the hospital the entire time. I never went back to work though, I just couldn't find the focus, time or effort to be productive in a work/team environment. I honestly lost all "car…

> but at the same time I have grown to dislike a lot of people that weren't around at that time. I feel like I learned who my real family and friends are.

From someone who has been in a similar situation, drop that attitude before it poisons all of your non-serious relationships with other people. There are more categories than “friends who will drop their life for you” and “everyone else”.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with cancer in the family

#133

Post by jay3ss »

RyJones wrote: post #54

Everything else I would have said is already in the comments; I don't know the name of it, but the model is something like circles of concern. The person at the center of this (your mom): all of her concerns and worries flow out from her; all of the support flows into her. People in the next circle (close family) have the same sets of arrows - concerns flow out, not in; support flows in to them. Practically, it means…

Sounds very similar to this article[0]. This article helped me understand how to relate with people who are going through a rough situation.

[0]: https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-...

Re: Ask HN: Coping with cancer in the family

#134

Post by redis_mlc »

collaborative wrote: post #79
missedthecue wrote: post #3

From my experience with cancer in my family, I think the number one thing I would recommend is that you should remember to keep treating your mother as the normal person she is, and not as a cancer patient. A lot of her life is going to be cancer this, cancer that, these drugs and those drugs, doctors A, B, C, and D, and always an another upcoming appointment on the calendar. It's tiring for her and it's hard to main…

There is a chinese movie about how in China people often don't tell cancer patients that they have cancer until it is well too late in order to let them live with as much normality as possible for as long as possible. The operation involves a doctor having a private conversation with a relative, and being complicit in the pretense

Um, non-CCP members in China have to pay for cancer treatment, called "Big Sickness." Typically it means selling everything you own, which your family, especially in-laws, would be opposed to.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with cancer in the family

#135

Post by sjg007 »

This will sound insensitive but you can choose not to suffer. The cancer just is what it is and it’s not your responsibility. Also make sure you take some time for yourself, maybe find a therapist.

I say this as someone whose child survived pediatric brain cancer. Kids do so well because they are eternally happy and optimistic.

“You Don’t have to suffer” by Judy Tatlebaum is a good book and the audiobook is on audible prime.

Now if your are involved in day to day care things that helped most for us were meal trains and having someone to help with our other kid. Another friend sent their cleaner to our house every week. That was a godsend. Grandparents weren’t especially helpful b/c too much emotional baggage.

So see if family and friends can share caring for your mom. If not consider hiring help too. Sometimes the govt has programs.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with cancer in the family

#136

Post by omarqureshi »

So, I had a few tragedies in a row.

I have a boy who is a 23+2 prem. Who spent around 6 months in the hospital, had brain damage due to the trauma, blindness due to retinopathy of prematurity, severe skin disfiguration of the lower abdomen due to aspergillosis. He's non verbal and whilst mentally a lot easier to deal with than my other kids it is quite physically demanding.

My wife was diagnosed with cancer a few years back, aggressive, but was treated and it seems to be in remission though the side effects of treatment are still taking a toll on her (severe joint pain mainly).

I injured myself a few months prior to my wife's cancer, spinal disc related, was due to have surgery a few months after my wife's cancer diagnosis and ended up putting it off until the pandemic hit and then put it off again until last August.

Suffice it to say, the surgery was not entirely successful and I'm at the point where as a 36 year old person I'm not able to squat, stairs are difficult and it feels like my entire nervous system is on fire constantly. So much that when I have a good day and get used to being pain free for a while, that when I slip into a bad day, I'm just completely irritable and have lost all patience. As such, caring for my son has become borderline impossible without help.

I won't say it's easy and let's be clear I have to be honest and say that this is not about you as much as I know this impacts you and you will feel the mental pressure. The important thing is to do as much as you can for your mother whilst keeping her distracted with things to do.

I took very little leave as I also needed the distraction too for my own pain and just so I didnt have to process my families trauma at that time. My personal opinion is having an idle mind is the worst thing.

Things will eventually change for your mother and hopefully it is for the best. Take leave for the day after chemotherapy and ask for help from other people too (siblings, in laws, friends) and this doesn't have to mean actual care for your mother but perhaps other things in the house that need taking care of (childcare, cooking, etc).

Re: Ask HN: Coping with cancer in the family

#137

Post by RyJones »

jay3ss wrote: post #133
RyJones wrote: post #54

Everything else I would have said is already in the comments; I don't know the name of it, but the model is something like circles of concern. The person at the center of this (your mom): all of her concerns and worries flow out from her; all of the support flows into her. People in the next circle (close family) have the same sets of arrows - concerns flow out, not in; support flows in to them. Practically, it means…

Sounds very similar to this article[0]. This article helped me understand how to relate with people who are going through a rough situation. [0]: https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-...

Thank you so much. This is the exact item I read years ago, and hadn’t been able to find again to give to people.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with cancer in the family

#138

Post by akrasia »

This might not be the right place for this but if you are worried about cancer in yourself or a loved one, I have resources to set up a whole body PET CT for cancer screening. Please message me for more details if you are interested. We have the capabilities to detect cancer early if you have the resources.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with cancer in the family

#139

Post by grokx »

I hope the best for you and your family. Be strong.

Our son was diagnosed a brain cancer at 4. He's 8 now, and really fine given what he got through. At that time, our daughter was 2. Our other son was born 2 weeks after the diagnosis.

My wife was in maternity leave, and of course, in this situation, there was no way I could continue to work.

My parents took care of our daughter during the treatments of my son. She didn't understand the situation so it was very hard for her, as she felt abandoned by her parents.

My son got 3 "standard" chemos and 3 highly dosed chemos. During each of the later ones, he had to stay for 2 weeks (at least) in a sterile room until he got back a sufficient immunity. Our baby couldn't enter the sterile room, so we alternated with my wife. One stayed with our baby in another part in the hospital, while the other spent time with our kid.

My company was really supporting to me. My colleagues decided to offer me paid days off. This is something you can legally do in France: give some of your vacation days to colleagues. All my colleagues gave me one day each, and this allowed me to be with my kid until I could go back to work. Depending on the relationship you have with your colleagues, maybe something like this could be worked out? For the record, I got another paid month, thanks to the health insurance.

Friends also helped by preparing us some meals, and they also gathered some money so we could have a nice WE in family when we got out of this situation.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with cancer in the family

#140

Post by jay3ss »

RyJones wrote: post #137
jay3ss wrote: post #133

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sounds very similar to this article[0]. This article helped me understand how to relate with people who are going through a rough situation. [0]: https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-...

Thank you so much. This is the exact item I read years ago, and hadn’t been able to find again to give to people.

Thanks for reminding me about it. As soon as I saw your comment my mind immediately jumped to it
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