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Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

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Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#131

Post by singhrac »

PKop wrote: post #24

True friendship comes mostly from shared struggle. Think sports teams, military, small teams at work, even childhood friends and the experience growing up. It is hard to establish anything meaningful of a connection with casual interactions, and expecting to just "party/play hard" with people you don't really know is putting the cart before the horse. First you must work hard together. I'd suggest joining a Crossfit…

I want to echo this because I strongly believe this to be true. Sharing a challenging experience together is one of the strongest factors in setting up friendships. I've made friends with a 70-year old because we were standing in line in the cold and wanted to complain about the urgent care we were trying to visit.

Many of my closer work relationships have come from venting about aspects of the company we didn't like. And, echoing the other responders, many of my closest friends from college were those that I psetted with at 4am.

Advice to the OP: get involved with a club or activity that has challenging aspects (e.g. a service club or a sports club) rather than a shared interests club. Don't worry too much about not being too interested in "traditional CS" things - just be open to sharing and learning about your non overlapping interests.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#133

Post by [deleted] »

easymodex wrote: post #121
robcohen wrote: post #119

1. Join a bunch of clubs that interest you. Go consistently. Join clubs that you might enjoy but improve your social skills (acting, improv, debate, etc). Don't just hang out with the same people all the time. 2. Treat being social as a skill. Schedule time that you go out and force yourself to speak to people you don't know. Learn to care less about what others think of you, and learn to accept rejection. 3. Learn t…

> 4. Keep track of everyone you speak to. Everyone. Write down what they mentioned they liked, who their family is, what matters to them. Make sure to put that list on a wall somewhere in your room so visitors can see how much you care. It will be a nice conversation starter and not at all alarming.

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#135

Post by bencollier49 »

First off, it's important to remember that this actually isn't a big deal unless you make it that. I think there's a lot of pressure on people to make "friends for life" at uni, and realistically you'll be making friends in all sorts of avenues for the rest of your life, so don't sweat it.

My advice would be to do the things which make you happy, and then you'll meet people who get along with you. Those things don't have to be connected to college. Look further afield.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#136

Post by whatshisface »

cybervegan wrote: post #122
robcohen wrote: post #119

1. Join a bunch of clubs that interest you. Go consistently. Join clubs that you might enjoy but improve your social skills (acting, improv, debate, etc). Don't just hang out with the same people all the time. 2. Treat being social as a skill. Schedule time that you go out and force yourself to speak to people you don't know. Learn to care less about what others think of you, and learn to accept rejection. 3. Learn t…

There's a lot of good advice in that, but some of it would be too regimented for me, and I've never been able to handle too many social activities in a short period of time.

A lot of social technique advice is useless because anyone with a reasonable amount of intelligence would discover it themselves, provided they have the right brain chemicals for naturally spending a lot of time around people, which obviously most of the people who don't already do that don't. The first step in a realistic guide would be something about how to overcome or change one's inner nature. If you wanted to help people who weren't already successful you'd really need to start by telling them how to overcome their depression/anxiety/health problems/sleep disorders/whatever else is biasing them against getting out there. Someone who is completely healthy will start talking to people out of boredom and will not need advice on how to do it.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#137

Post by malwrar »

I spent my first year in college sitting on my computer in my dorm, so it sounds like you’re in the sameish spot I was. Next time you’re talking with new people, try inviting them to do something with you. I made my first friends in college by asking if some random classmates wanted to get lunch, and after just a few days we found common interests which quickly snowballed. Cosplaying as the social butterfly, even for a little, can change your social life overnight. It’s helped me heavily into adulthood, can’t recommend getting into the habit enough. Don’t take rejection personally, and just keep trying.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#138

Post by poulsbohemian »

Recommendation: treat networking, friend-making, social activities, etc as a skill to be developed. Gamify it for yourself.

What I'm saying here isn't meant to be insincere in your desire to connect with others, but rather treat it as a skill to work on the same way you might work on your health, diet, knowledge, etc. I'm an extreme introvert and loner - always have been - but at some point I realized that it's critical to be able to connect with other people at some level. Thus, when I started to view it as a muscle to be strengthened, I got a whole lot better at it.

As others have said - go find your tribe, not only in college, but in whatever you do post-studies.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#139

Post by whatshisface »

cybervegan wrote: post #114

As an autistic person (and I'm not suggesting OP is also an aspie), I can say that all the advice that amounts to "just put yourself out there" is worse than useless; you only see things the way you do because those interactions come naturally to you, and you instinctively know how to process and act on them. People who are socially awkward are often unable to do this. It's like saying to someone who is not good a ma…

"Just calculate harder" is reasonable advice for a lot of people. If you think of your skill level as a multiplier on your effort, more effort will help for anyone with a skill level above zero. If you're worse than normal at math a lot of people would tell you that you needed to spend even more time studying.

Spending more time in a learning environment is a very reasonable thing to advise a slow learner do, math or otherwise.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#140

Post by SquishyPanda23 »

Is it possible that you're autistic? There are lots of online tests you can take. If so, it would explain why you have a hard time finding people to connect with.

If you are, then you'll probably get along best with other autistic people. And you'll have to put effort into socializing, which is a learned skill just like CS.

There should be several autistic people in any CS department, and also in math and physics.

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