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Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
121–130 of 568 posts
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#122Throwing myself out there, getting rejected and snubbed otherwise slapped around a lot .. until I slowly started to figure out how to observe "normal, healthy" people and learn from them. Among the things we learn is -- that we are much more "plastic" (and able to change by sheer force of will) than we initially thought. Things like hygiene, posture, clarity of speech (such that people can at least understand us) and…
Great answer. I agree getting out of one's comfort zone can go a long way to bringing new perspective, and adapting, and developing new skills. Especially social ones.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#123Not saying this is the best approach and it won't be a popular opinion, but drugs--particularly alcohol--were key to me breaking out of my shell.
Psychedelics did it for me, I was looking for fun but as an unintended consequence I became much more extrovert. Of course, don't actually do hard drugs without medical supervision. You are more likely to end up worse off. A counter anecdote, a friend of mine who was really extroverted is now pretty shy and nervous in social interactions after suffering a few psychotic episodes during one of our drug binges.
I’m curious how did psychedelics made you more extroverted? i.e was it less internal monologue, more energy, etc
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#124Earlier quoted context omitted.
That "and" of the "Just go out and meet people" is the part that my brain struggles with. I can walk out of the door just fine, but my brain stops functioning when I try to think of things to do from there. I can likewise handle meeting new people if I somehow end up in a situation where that happens. It's just doing that intentionally that I have so far been unable to accomplish.
I would pick things that align with your interests. Go to a museum, go to a play that has an intermission, go skiing, pick up a club sport, meetups, cooking classes, book signing, improv class, music class, fishing class, board game nights... Lots of things to try.
Everything I can get my brain interested in is a solo activity. I feel like whenever I try to even think about doing something that requires me to initiate contact with people, some unconscious part of me "resets" my thoughts and they just get stuck in a useless loop. On the rare occasion that I manage to override that and go somewhere, I am unable to engage with people even though I want to.
I don't hate interacting with people; quite the opposite in fact. I just for some unknown reason am seemingly completely incapable of initiating interaction with unfamiliar people (and even initiating anything with people I know is rare for me to do).
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#125Martial arts helped me a huge amount. You spend a lot of time doing very silly looking things in the company of others. There's a lot of physical contact with strangers. You teach and coach each other. You also gain a huge amount of confidence in yourself, that grows as you get better. It's a social activity without having the burden of being a team sport.
Been a sensei for about ten years now, so I'm also used to standing in front of large groups of people and delivering instruction, demonstrating techniques on a regular basis, planning lessons with other instructors.
Take one up, and don't fret about which one is the best. I started with TKD and Aikido, but now train in Karate and HEMA. It really doesn't matter which one you choose, just find a class you're comfortable being at.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#126I too tried gym, but now I'm muscular and awkward. Now, before interaction, people don't expect me to be awkward, and it feels as though they are more forgiving of my awkwardness but that could just be my perception.
Going to the gym and losing weight did help a lot with self esteem (and posture) issues though.
After observing my interactions, I found that if I'm unfamiliar with the person, I'll miss out on social cues or there'll be a delay before I perceive them. Also my brain goes into some kind of _fight or flight_ causing slightly impaired speech and memory.
What I do to _fix_ this is watch how others interact with this person and try to mimic them while adjusting for unfamiliarity. Assuming familiarity could be perceived as rude.
For me building familiarity allows me to interact with decreasing awkwardness, so I just try and find the fastest way to do that.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#127Throwing myself out there, getting rejected and snubbed otherwise slapped around a lot .. until I slowly started to figure out how to observe "normal, healthy" people and learn from them. Among the things we learn is -- that we are much more "plastic" (and able to change by sheer force of will) than we initially thought. Things like hygiene, posture, clarity of speech (such that people can at least understand us) and…
+1 to worrying less about what other people think of you. Ironically, this caring less can actually make people like you more (because you seem more confident).
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#128This is a complex problem, and no single answer will be a solution.
A few miscellaneous tips:
- Join a local ToastMasters chapter: it will force you to (1) speak to many people at once that you aren't familiar with, (2) force you to improve public speaking (which is closely related to #1), and (3) increase your confidence with speaking in general.
- The gym, like you mentioned, is one of the biggest single things you can do. Not even for the physiological transformation, but for the chemical dump that happens in your brain when you exercise, which has 'afterglow' affects that can last for days. I cannot recommend CrossFit enough (or just class-based functional fitness training in general).
- Get lots of quality sleep. Good sleep won't make you confident, but lack of sleep will definitely make you less confident over time (increased anxiety, decreased communication skills, etc.)
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#129Check it's not just ADHD in disguise.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#130Learning to small talk is one of the most valuable skills a person can have in life and will allow you to connect with more people than you thought possible. It all starts with very basic cues and the great thing is you can practice each and every day. Start off by simply looking at e.g. the cashier at the store and ask "how's your day going?", or make a small quip about the weather e.g. "it sure is cold today, can't…
The phrase “small talk“ pains me. I never ask a question for which I am not interested in the answer, and I think if you listen carefully before you say something about the weather you might hear something deep and genuine that you would have otherwise missed. Now I usually do ask how the other person is, but I am always listening for the real answer. I never ask it without wanting to hear what they say. (And if I’m…
> I never ask a question for which I am not interested in the answer
Where I am, its common to say "how are you?" as a stand in for "hello", that is, without the expectation of an answer or even further conversation if you're just greeting someone in passing. Some time ago, I started making a point to actually respond and ask them how they are back, I often do this to cashiers in shops for example. For the most part, they seem to appreciate it. However, lately, I've been caught off guard a bit because there's one guy that works at my gym and he always greets me like that and out of habit, I stop, answer and ask him how he is, but he's not expecting further conversation since he was just expecting me to say "hi". Made for some awkward pauses until I adjusted my behavior to match his :)