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Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

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Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#121

Post by easymodex »

robcohen wrote: post #119

1. Join a bunch of clubs that interest you. Go consistently. Join clubs that you might enjoy but improve your social skills (acting, improv, debate, etc). Don't just hang out with the same people all the time. 2. Treat being social as a skill. Schedule time that you go out and force yourself to speak to people you don't know. Learn to care less about what others think of you, and learn to accept rejection. 3. Learn t…

> 4. Keep track of everyone you speak to. Everyone. Write down what they mentioned they liked, who their family is, what matters to them.

Make sure to put that list on a wall somewhere in your room so visitors can see how much you care. It will be a nice conversation starter and not at all alarming.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#122

Post by cybervegan »

robcohen wrote: post #119

1. Join a bunch of clubs that interest you. Go consistently. Join clubs that you might enjoy but improve your social skills (acting, improv, debate, etc). Don't just hang out with the same people all the time. 2. Treat being social as a skill. Schedule time that you go out and force yourself to speak to people you don't know. Learn to care less about what others think of you, and learn to accept rejection. 3. Learn t…

There's a lot of good advice in that, but some of it would be too regimented for me, and I've never been able to handle too many social activities in a short period of time.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#123

Post by collegeburner »

drlobster wrote: post #86
scollet wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's usually loaded with condescension and reduction, a rarely actionable silver bullet that makes no consideration of circumstance.

Sounds like you need to touch grass.

I mean its sometimes a fair complaint, it can be kinda rude, just in this case its useful advice to get out and don't get too extremely online (which is a risk for people my age)

Though I guess getting mad about it might be a valid reason to tell somebody to touch grass

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#124

Post by Jeema101 »

Does your computer science department have an internship program and any business relationships with local businesses? If so, you could maybe get an internship locally.

That's one of the main ways I started getting to know more people in my major (because a number of them were working there as well).

This was at a rather large company and was also a long time ago, though (back in the late 90s)...

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#126

Post by gumby »

Are you in a dorm? I am still friends with some dorm mates from (jeez) 35 years ago. It’s not automatic; my kid was in a dorm and really didn’t make any close friends; he joined a non-residential fraternity though and made a bunch of friends that way.

If you’re club about a thing you like, then you will do things you like with people who share your interest. some are presumably the kinds of people you’d like to be friends with; even if you don’t make close friends, you’ll at least be doing something you like.

Also college age friendships aren’t necessarily deep ones so don’t worry if you are making a bunch of friendly acquaintances for a while. One or two will turn into deeper friendships, over time.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#127

Post by doktorhladnjak »

cybervegan wrote: post #114

As an autistic person (and I'm not suggesting OP is also an aspie), I can say that all the advice that amounts to "just put yourself out there" is worse than useless; you only see things the way you do because those interactions come naturally to you, and you instinctively know how to process and act on them. People who are socially awkward are often unable to do this. It's like saying to someone who is not good a ma…

Agreed. It is tiresome.

Starving? Just eat some food

Insomniac? Just go to sleep

Socially anxious? Just be more social

No friends? Just put yourself out there

All the same useless advice

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#129

Post by vocram »

robcohen wrote: post #119

1. Join a bunch of clubs that interest you. Go consistently. Join clubs that you might enjoy but improve your social skills (acting, improv, debate, etc). Don't just hang out with the same people all the time. 2. Treat being social as a skill. Schedule time that you go out and force yourself to speak to people you don't know. Learn to care less about what others think of you, and learn to accept rejection. 3. Learn t…

#5 should be true no matter what kind of suggestion you are giving. Funny how often people assume that if someone is alone then it’s because they are dirty or looks ugly/unfit.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#130

Post by laurent92 »

1. I’ve always spent 1 year sitting next to people before befriending them. It became solid friendship.

2. Do train to be alone for Christmas. It happens to the best of us, human suffering is way more widespread than you would ever imagine.

3. But I regret not walking out of the campus and finding salsa/anything-classes, or just going out a lot. Don’t go too much to bars and don’t do much alcohol, but do organize a lot of parties, eatouts, picnics, hiking, cakes, birthdays, do a lot of gatherings between friends. Also, when you do this, vary the friends a little bit, it should never become a circle of 6 friends, it should always bring in and out a few people, so you constantly meet new ones. Because in the end the goal is also to find a girlfriend ;)

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