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Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

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Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#121

Post by arvinsim »

lookathrwaway wrote: post #77
whiddershins wrote: post #19

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did. Some important ideas - Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with…

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

No matter who much highly one thinks of one self, there will always be some knowledge, experience or perspective that they lack. That's part of being finite and human.

I always view meeting new people as opportunities to think outside of my own worldview.

One doesn't have to accept or agree to other viewpoints.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#123

Post by zerr »

acconrad wrote: post #8

Not everyone responds the same. I hated when people would use fluffy language: "would it be okay if you could do X?" Dammit...just tell me to do X. I know you're not really asking me you're just trying to be nice for something that has to be done. Well... turns out just because I like to hear feedback or orders directly, doesn't mean everyone else does. Part of why your manager treads carefully is because they have t…

The thing is, most of the stuff is [relatively] flexible in this world - and that "fluffy" language is used to navigate through this flexibility. So in your case, it might just be that if you don't feel for doing some particular X, another teammate might do it instead. Besides, politeness matters.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#124

Post by james_s_tayler »

technofiend wrote: post #72
shostack wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Can you share more details of the situation? I'm curious what they were lying about and how you pinned them down.

Yes but it's 1 AM here. I'll reply in the morning when I can give a cogent answer.

When you wake - i'd love to read it too. I want to second the opinion that learning to build consensus is a very, very valuable skill. It's how a lot things really get done. I've never gone so far as to document things extensively or really need to, but it sounds like you learned some very interesting tactics on how to build consensus effectively because you were forced to. Not a fun position to be in, but if you could share the tips that would be valuable.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#125

Post by world32 »

lookathrwaway wrote: post #77
whiddershins wrote: post #19

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did. Some important ideas - Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with…

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

Consider that you might not be as intelligent as you think you are. I'm sure you are aware that there is more than one kind of intelligence right? Although you might have a PhD and be very knowledgeable in many subjects, you sound like you are severely lacking in many other kinds of intelligence. So maybe you are not so different from the "dull" people you speak so poorly of?

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#126

Post by bitcoinmoney »

lammalamma25 wrote: post #25

Not that far into my career, but this one really burned me. Understanding what people's unstated motivations are is really important IMO. I spent a job working tirelessly at something that I valued a lot, but others didn't seem to care too much about. After a bit of time, I realized that most people were looking at the work from how it hurt/benefited them based on a specific (but not widely publicized) bonus structur…

This is very generic. You need to elaborate.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#127

Post by james_s_tayler »

whiddershins wrote: post #26
jdavis703 wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I had to read this twice. But just to confirm what you mean: We should take our personal feelings out of a debate -- but surely we must still remain in the debate?

IMO debating is massively overrated. It really only works well in certain cases and the rest of the time it just makes everyone really frustrated.

Yeah. What you want is a dialectic. A discussion between two people where neither is trying to 'win' but both are trying to get at what they believe to be true by exploring each others ideas.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#128

Post by chronic7382 »

elevenoh wrote: post #97
Roritharr wrote: post #89

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Start respecting the fact that intellectual development & progress is only one axis on the map that is the human experience. One can find interest, happiness and satisfaction by pursuing passions where scientific knowledge may only be of slight advantage instead of the absolute focus. Being a Musicians, touching the emotions of a whole crowd in a live performance is such a passion. Deeply complex, hugely important, s…

>Start respecting the fact that intellectual development & progress is only one axis on the map that is the human experience. Excellent all too overlooked view IMO.

>> Start respecting the fact that intellectual development & progress is only one axis on the map that is the human experience.

> Excellent all too overlooked view IMO.

Intellectual development and logical reasoning serve as the basis for proper personal health, family nucleation, social improvement, and other axes on the human experience map.

Without being able to think, how can you improve your health, friend, family, or financial standing? This is why most of America is overweight, poor, and doesn't care for anyone other than themselves (as shown by both democratic and Republican political platforms) -- they simply don't have the intellectual capacity to care.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#129

Post by mikkelam »

lookathrwaway wrote: post #77
whiddershins wrote: post #19

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did. Some important ideas - Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with…

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

Why not just avoid these people altogether? If it makes you more happy to be around PhD's, find a setting where there's a bunch of them.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#130

Post by deadlyst0rm »

technofiend wrote: post #55

I hate to admit it but one of my bosses taught me that building consensus is a double edged sword and it can be used as weapon. Up until working with him I naively assumed we could all get in a room, hash out our technical differences and agree to a solution. That only works when everyone is (from your perspective) not a bad actor. But how do you deal with an Executive Director who will bald-faced lie and say whateve…

I would really love to read more details about this as well.
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