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Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore

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Re: Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore

#121

Post by Negitivefrags »

Do not talk to your wife.

Talk to your best friend, talk to your parents, talk to a therapist, don't talk to your wife.

Your wife loves you so if you say you are depressed, she will be understanding and let you lay in bed all day if you want. She will make meals for you, she will do the chores around the house because she wants to help you and you feel too tired to do those things.

But depression will only get worse if you do this.

Maintaining appearances is important. You need someone to make an effort for. You might feel like shit right now, but you will feel a lot worse when you can't even get up in the morning because you let your standards slip. Don't do it.

Re: Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore

#122

Post by sarah180 »

"Sucking it up" isn't actually an option. You're describing a mental health crisis. Unless other people might literally die (e.g., you're a soldier, police officer, etc) then your job is not worth sacrificing your own life.

Consider another perspective: if you get to the breaking point, which you're near, you're going to leave—either because you quit or because you wind up in a hospital. You think you're important—but you are not helping the company if your only options are to quit or die of overwork. Both of those situations end up with 0% of your energy going to the business.

Many people mentioned therapy, which I think is a good idea for everybody. My recommendation is to draw a boundary. Say "here's how much energy I feel comfortable putting in." Then really reflect on how to use that energy in the way that will help the company the most. That might mean hiring or training people. It might mean continuing to do what you do now, but letting more things fall to others—or just letting some things not happen.

You are more valuable to your company if you are healthy and present than if you are unhealthy and quit. When you start to feel "my only option is to quit because I'm too important" you're just indulging in a fantasy of running away.

Re: Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore

#123

Post by ridgeguy »

First, talk this over with your wife. She deserves to know what's going on with you and you need her counsel and strength.

Second, recognize that an acquisition is a change of life - that can certainly make one feel anxious and depressed, no matter how much you may have looked forward to this milestone.

Third, nobody is indispensable. If you died in a car crash today, the company would find a way to continue.

In your place, I'd go through with the acquisition (and do my duty to my investors & employees). When the dust settles (3-6 months), I'd go to my Board of Directors and tell them I need to change roles at the company. That would include dropping all my day-to-day responsibilities and dropping back from full-time. Be explicit that you're on a transition out of the company, and you want it to be orderly (for the company's benefit) and time-limited (for your benefit). When the time expires, leave with thanks and go live your life. Good luck and congratulations!

Re: Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore

#124

Post by Xeoncross »

Negitivefrags wrote: post #121

Do not talk to your wife. Talk to your best friend, talk to your parents, talk to a therapist, don't talk to your wife. Your wife loves you so if you say you are depressed, she will be understanding and let you lay in bed all day if you want. She will make meals for you, she will do the chores around the house because she wants to help you and you feel too tired to do those things. But depression will only get worse…

Interesting angle. I can't imagine not telling my wife (or her not already knowing), but at the same time I know she would proactively work with me on solutions rather than just provide comforts and doses of sympathy.

I guess it depends on the type of personality and the strengths of each person.

Re: Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore

#125

Post by jrowley »

Negitivefrags wrote: post #121

Do not talk to your wife. Talk to your best friend, talk to your parents, talk to a therapist, don't talk to your wife. Your wife loves you so if you say you are depressed, she will be understanding and let you lay in bed all day if you want. She will make meals for you, she will do the chores around the house because she wants to help you and you feel too tired to do those things. But depression will only get worse…

For many people their spouses are their best friend. I don't support your advice. Transparency while trying not to overburden your partner is essential imo.

Re: Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore

#126

Post by sharkweek »

reckoner2 wrote: post #19

There are professionals out there whose job it is to help out people in situations like yours. Before you make any life changing decisions I would talk to one. CEO's, Hedgefund Managers, Sport Stars, they all talk to psychologists. Give it a try.

Another vote for speaking to a therapist - Also please don't give up if the first person you talk to doesn't gel. It took me three tries to find the right therapist, and it is SO worth it.

Re: Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore

#127

Post by enknamel »

I see many founders manage themselves out of their position. You hire a VP or Director to replace yourself in the day to day and then you transition out to the point where you can just go do whatever you want inside the company. Want to go back to being an individual contributor? Go for it! Want to just do skunkworks projects? Go for it!

There are many routes to happiness while maintaining your company.

Re: Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore

#128

Post by omarish »

> The product is just too complicated (tons of domain knowledge required) for someone to come in and take over.

Are you sure about this, beyond a reasonable doubt? Reading your post, this sounded to me like the kind of story I sometimes tell myself to boost my self-esteem when I feel like I'm in a bind.

If you are in fact irreplaceable, that means you're unique and one-of-a-kind. Feels good, doesn't it? Everything is hard, but at least you're valuable and unique.

At the same time, if you're actually replicable, that means you might not be as unique as you think you are in this situation, but fortunately by admitting that, you're on the way to solving the problem.

It sounds like you're in a generally good situation, and maybe there's someone smart and ambitious out there who would be willing to step up and help you make yourself redundant?

Good luck!

Re: Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore

#129

Post by cosinetau »

Negitivefrags wrote: post #121

Do not talk to your wife. Talk to your best friend, talk to your parents, talk to a therapist, don't talk to your wife. Your wife loves you so if you say you are depressed, she will be understanding and let you lay in bed all day if you want. She will make meals for you, she will do the chores around the house because she wants to help you and you feel too tired to do those things. But depression will only get worse…

You're describing an enabler. We're talking about his wife.

Re: Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore

#130

Post by ridgeguy »

throwaway10595 wrote: post #6
mindcrime wrote: post #4

I mean, it's hard to truly know what somebody else is experiencing and to give advice in a situation like that. But if you're that close to an acquisition and if the acquistion stands to make a material difference in your life going forward (like, does it get you to "fu money"), then I'd lean towards "suck it up and stay long enough to cash out". OTOH, if the acquisition gets you, say, enough money for a new car, but…

I'd say it's not fu money. We're talking total deal size of I do think I'd regret not following through, you're right. The question is whether that regret is worse than multiple years of hating work. I guess I'm probably the only one who can answer that. I just took a week off and went out of town. Although everyone did manage to leave me alone while I was gone, people tried to do my job because they didn't want to k…

That's FU money. Even 25% of that would be FU money.

Invested with reasonable money managers, you'll never again have to trade your life for a paycheck.

Finally, train your replacement(s).

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