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Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#111

Post by scarface74 »

wayne-li2 wrote: post #34

I’m confused, why would you be jealous here? Aren’t you and your wife “life partners” so to speak? That means understanding what money means to each person, understanding your partner’s money goals, and working towards shared financial goal. Honestly, it sounds like you two need to have a heart to heart on this and figure it out, because frankly, you’re behind the curve on this. And if it’s not going well you should…

Jealousy happens because of our lizard brains. I get “jealous” of my wife sometimes because she doesn’t work and I have to work. She gets to enjoy her hobbies and volunteer work.

Now, intellectually, I know this is stupid. I had to convince her to quit working post Covid. We don’t need the money. I like my job and I couldn’t just have her travel with me when I go out of town for business if she were still working. We definitely couldn’t embark on the digital nomad thing we are doing later this year.

She would go back to work tomorrow if we needed it.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#112

Post by MontyCarloHall »

ISL wrote: post #24

In general, we each contribute an equal fraction of our income to a joint account. That money is "team money", from which money then flows to "team savings" and investment accounts. If we make an expenditure out of the team accounts, it gets authorized by both of us, either explicitly (for big stuff) or through an enduring understanding (like groceries). Non-team money lives in individual accounts, for the individual…

If you or your spouse don’t always agree on purchases the other makes, this is the way to go. Having just a single joint account only works well if both of you are always on the same page about everything you purchase, but many (most?) couples are not like this.

It’s great to be able to blow money on something your spouse would consider stupid or frivolous without needing to come to a consensus on it. I once asked a friend who’s a big foodie (and whose spouse couldn’t care less about pretentious molecular gastronomy restaurants) to try a new fancy restaurant with me, and they said “I’d love to, but isn’t that place like $200 a plate? I need to run that by my spouse first.” My friend ended up joining me, but I could tell their spouse was extremely resentful about it. I just can’t imagine living like that. If I want to blow the entirety of my individual account on something my spouse finds silly, I am free to do so without any consequence.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#113

Post by paxys »

Here's an easy way to go about it –

All the money earned by both of you goes into a large pot. You both mutually decide how to spend that pot. There could be disagreements, but "You made $X while I made $2X therefore my vote matters more" should NOT be a consideration. It should be irrelevant whether one side contributed 50% or 5%.

Stuff like having separate bank accounts, fighting over who pays what bill and trying to assert dominance over each other based on income are the quickest ways to end an otherwise happy marriage.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#114

Post by raydev »

scarface74 wrote: post #102
raydev wrote: post #100

First, I'll share my experience. My wife and I have one bank account, and 2 credit cards each under our name to ensure credit score activity happens. I was a secondary on her credit card for years assuming it was building my credit too, but turns out I wasn't building a credit score at all. We have one bank account. When we started she was already out of university, and she was the primary income while I went to scho…

My wife and I could never do the one bank account. The coordination would take too much mental energy. We are both on all of our accounts. But we spend out of our own accounts.

What are you coordinating?

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#115

Post by scarface74 »

raydev wrote: post #114
scarface74 wrote: post #102

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My wife and I could never do the one bank account. The coordination would take too much mental energy. We are both on all of our accounts. But we spend out of our own accounts.

What are you coordinating?

When I look at “my” checking account and see $300 in my account. I know I can spend $300 without over drafting. If we are both spending out of the same account, we would have to constantly be coordinating what we have to spend.

I said in another comment that I “retired” my wife when I got my job at a BigTech. I have “her” allowance direct deposited in “her” account. She can spend it however she wants to and she knows what she has until the next pay period. It’s the same with “my” account.

We talk about what’s going on for the next two weeks. If she has something she needs/wants to do that she can’t from “her” account. I transfer money to her after we discuss it.

We share a Google sheet with the budget so she knows what’s going on.

On that sheet I also have a column that at the top is a real time calculation of how much my next RSU grant is going to be based on the current stock price * the number of shares * (1 - tax rate). We then subtract what we want to do out of that.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#116

Post by just-ok »

Why do all of these smart, mathy STEM folk on HN have such imprecise takes on this topic?

1 account for both of you, filled proportionally to your incomes until your monthly expenses are covered + any savings you agree on. This is for rent, food, vacations, childcare, etc. You make more than your partner? Tough, you joined them in the equal partnership known as marriage.

1 account for each of you, for everything else you make on top. This is for personal expenses like clothes or extravagance. You make less than your partner? Tough, you get to spend less of your excess.

Caveat: There are some big assumptions from the OP, like the fact that you’re DINKs and contribute equally to household duties.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#117

Post by achenatx »

I dont get this at all. All salary goes into shared accounts, savings gets done first, bills come out etc.

We each get an allowance from what is left. This is money that can be spent without judgement/agreement etc.

The my money and your money is very weird to me. My wife hasnt worked at a paying job since we got married over 20 years ago.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#118

Post by KingOfCoders »

telman17 wrote: post #3

I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. We have a budget and try to stick to it and have occasional vacations or upgrade something in the house. When it comes to finances we are a single unit and…

15 years with one pot of money. I've earned much more when I was an executive and my wife was working in PR, then she founded a startup and sold it to a competitor, so she earned a lot more, now I'm a CTO coach and she writes books, so I earn more. I struggled the first two weeks with the decision because before I could do whatever I wanted with my money, but never regretted it, very happy, never was an issue since.

When we go to diner with friends, who have a discussion who is paying, I always feel glad we don't have that.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#119

Post by xs83 »

I earn a fair bit more than my partner. We have a joint account we pay into for groceries, mortgage, bills etc that I pay a higher % into for day to day / household stuff. This covers off the "required" payments.

We do this so she has enough left from her salary to do what she wants to do (save, shop, splurge), keeping independence is important so we otherwise keep finances separate for the most part and neither of us really needs to be involved what the other person buys (unless it's a big purchase for the house (sofas, beds etc) where we will jointly buy it (again % difference) - everything is considered "ours" in the house). The law would consider it that way anyway.

Works well for us, we both get to "treat" each other which feels better when its your own money for a meal or a break away etc, she treats me often too, if it was one big pool of money I am not sure it would feel the same, besides no one needs to be questioned over a new $1000 pair of shoes or why they spent $850 on cologne haha

We don't budget other than required expenditure, we don't have kids (nor are intending to have them), we save a lot and spend a lot - its there to enjoy and you can't take it with you :)

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