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Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

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Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#111

Post by mlyle »

panzagl wrote: post #46
foobarian wrote: post #41

Macabre tangent warning. Related to this, and having seen several cases where elderly people had very unhappy end years for various reasons (dementia, incapacity, etc.) I am starting to wonder not for our parents bur for myself - how could I make sure I don't live past the point where I stop adding value and become a drain. It's an interesting engineering problem. Presumably this would be when I lose mental capacity…

'stop adding value'? WTF.

Really, a huge part of my quality of life is knowing that I'm doing stuff that makes the world better in various ways-- offsetting some of the ways I make it worse and the resources I use. When I am not able to do this anymore--- what's the point?

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#112

Post by jareklupinski »

JshWright wrote: post #34

This likely isn't relevant to you OP, but perhaps for someone else who is a little earlier in the process here. I'm in my late 30's and my parents are in their early 60's (Dad will be retiring next year). Two years ago we decided move into a multi-generational home. We found a place big enough for our family of 5, in addition to an "in-law" apartment big enough for my parents. This was born directly out of my parents…

this sounds like a very healthy approach; Central New York would be a swing but i think i'll try to make something like this work out by me :)

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#113

Post by notacoward »

danieldevries wrote: post #96

Loads of sensible comments. I would like to add that you should address the stubbornness. Now its about stairs, but soon it will be about driving, or other contentious issue. Speaking from experience, this requires persistence, might take a year++ to come round.

Very good point. Driving is a sticking point for many. With my mother it was basic time/energy management. She used to wear herself out doing stuff that provided little happiness to her or anyone else, especially around the holidays, and then be absolutely exhausted - or even in the hospital - when a bit of energy/wakefulness would have had more positive effect. It took many years of often-acrimonious discussions involving myself and my brother before she started managing those precious "spoons" more carefully, and by then it was only a couple of years before we lost her to dementia so my daughter barely got a chance to know her at all. It's not easy to be that forceful with one's parents, but sometimes it's necessary.

Spoon theory, mostly used for chronic pain (which my mother also had) but also applicable to aging and even to "normal" life: https://www.painscale.com/article/what-is-the-spoon-theory

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#114

Post by JshWright »

Syzygies wrote: post #87
foobarian wrote: post #41

Macabre tangent warning. Related to this, and having seen several cases where elderly people had very unhappy end years for various reasons (dementia, incapacity, etc.) I am starting to wonder not for our parents bur for myself - how could I make sure I don't live past the point where I stop adding value and become a drain. It's an interesting engineering problem. Presumably this would be when I lose mental capacity…

After watching our father die from advanced dementia, my brother established instructions that no one is to feed him. If he can't bring a spoon to his mouth unassisted, he would like to stop eating. He works at a hospital, so I believe that he understands how to do this in a legally binding way. This tempts me to leave similar instructions if I can't cook for myself.

Everyone, regardless of current age or ability, should absolutely have advanced directives in place outlining what they want done (or not done) to prolong their life.

Talk to your doctor about filling out the appropriate paperwork.

Even if you want everything humanly possible done, it's best to document it, and keep that document up to date (check in with your doctor every few years to see if what you want has changed).

I'm 37, and in good health. I have outlined the (pretty limited) scope of advanced care I would want in the event I became incapacitated, and have a designated healthcare proxy that I trust to make decisions consistent with my wishes.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#115

Post by nradov »

Syzygies wrote: post #87
foobarian wrote: post #41

Macabre tangent warning. Related to this, and having seen several cases where elderly people had very unhappy end years for various reasons (dementia, incapacity, etc.) I am starting to wonder not for our parents bur for myself - how could I make sure I don't live past the point where I stop adding value and become a drain. It's an interesting engineering problem. Presumably this would be when I lose mental capacity…

After watching our father die from advanced dementia, my brother established instructions that no one is to feed him. If he can't bring a spoon to his mouth unassisted, he would like to stop eating. He works at a hospital, so I believe that he understands how to do this in a legally binding way. This tempts me to leave similar instructions if I can't cook for myself.

Such advance directives aren't completely legally binding, and rely on family and caregivers respecting his wishes. If your brother is mentally incapacitated and his next-of-kin asks a healthcare facility to put in a feeding tube then they'll probably do it.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#116

Post by JshWright »

mlyle wrote: post #111
panzagl wrote: post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

'stop adding value'? WTF.

Really, a huge part of my quality of life is knowing that I'm doing stuff that makes the world better in various ways-- offsetting some of the ways I make it worse and the resources I use. When I am not able to do this anymore--- what's the point?

George Eastman (founder of Kodak) left the following note explaining his decision to take his own life (at the age of 77, after several years of failing health and chronic pain).

"To my friends, my work is done – Why wait? GE."

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#117

Post by gitfan86 »

a2tech wrote: post #90
throwawayboise wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I bet you're glad that they didn't view you as much of an inconvenience to their life ambitions as you view them.

Tough luck I guess? I didn't sign up for this. I love my parents, they made their decisions, I've made mine. I'm not wrecking the future I've planned for and built with my wife because they've failed to adequately plan for their care. My parents are functioning adults. They've had decades to figure out what they want to do as they age. They haven't been hit with unexpected ruin or financial woes or other troubles. Th…

At least you are communicating and being honest. It is super shitty when people act nice to the elderly in hopes of being in the will, only to send them to a cheap nursing home to save money.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#118

Post by nradov »

czbond wrote: post #44
foobarian wrote: post #41

Macabre tangent warning. Related to this, and having seen several cases where elderly people had very unhappy end years for various reasons (dementia, incapacity, etc.) I am starting to wonder not for our parents bur for myself - how could I make sure I don't live past the point where I stop adding value and become a drain. It's an interesting engineering problem. Presumably this would be when I lose mental capacity…

Build strength by middle age, eat nutritious foods, move daily for 30-60 minutes in a large capacity, keep the brain occupied, be social, intermittent fast to remove weight which builds up. They all need to be started earlier in life to create them as muscle memory habits, rather than "motivational habits" in old age. As one ages, body parts hurt, which demotivates people from moving, which adds weight, etc. Couple t…

Generally good advice but intermittent fasting is not recommended for patients suffering from sarcopenia (skeletal muscle wasting). This is a hidden epidemic among the elderly and seriously increases the risk of falls or otherwise losing mobility.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#119

Post by eric_cc »

panzagl wrote: post #46
foobarian wrote: post #41

Macabre tangent warning. Related to this, and having seen several cases where elderly people had very unhappy end years for various reasons (dementia, incapacity, etc.) I am starting to wonder not for our parents bur for myself - how could I make sure I don't live past the point where I stop adding value and become a drain. It's an interesting engineering problem. Presumably this would be when I lose mental capacity…

'stop adding value'? WTF.

Genuinely curious: Why is your reaction to that "WTF"? I think it's totally valid.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#120

Post by meristem »

I currently struggle with a 80+ parent who does not want to move and does not believe they have cognitive deficits. If possible, get added to bank accounts so you can electronically pay bills and check if they are being paid if not on autopay. This is valid if your parents are local or abroad.

Some of the tension I have felt is around notions of "dignity". When I read about OP's dad crawling up the stairs my reaction was negative. However, reading farther down about physical strength, autonomy, agency, made me see this differently.

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