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Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

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Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#111

Post by profalseidol »

lookathrwaway wrote: post #77
whiddershins wrote: post #19

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did. Some important ideas - Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with…

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

Might be a good idea to find a place with lots of PhD folks.

I think I know what you mean since I prefer to talk to friends who are genuinely interested in programming and not just a job. Colleagues who are just here for the job I still talk to them but with other topics which I usually learn from as well - as long as you are willing to listen despite what you may think of them.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#112

Post by brokenmachine »

lookathrwaway wrote: post #77
whiddershins wrote: post #19

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did. Some important ideas - Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with…

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

>I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a mask of civility and charm when needed, but all I really want is to talk to deeply self-aware people struggling with the boundaries of human knowledge.

>Nearly every time I work up the motivation to try to really get to know someone who I think I may have judged too quickly I find religiosity, passive consumerism, an unexamined life, something so distasteful that it takes ages before I can do it again.

Unfortunately in my experience that's mostly true. I'm no bastion of social virtue but I try to give most people a chance.

Usually I'm disappointed but every now and then I get a nice surprise. I've met some people with unique outlooks on life and sometimes that's really refreshing.

I work with a lot of very intelligent people. Most of those are in a different field of expertise than myself, but I find intelligence and a sense of humour really go together.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#114

Post by ojhughes »

Roritharr wrote: post #89
lookathrwaway wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

Start respecting the fact that intellectual development & progress is only one axis on the map that is the human experience. One can find interest, happiness and satisfaction by pursuing passions where scientific knowledge may only be of slight advantage instead of the absolute focus. Being a Musicians, touching the emotions of a whole crowd in a live performance is such a passion. Deeply complex, hugely important, s…

I can relate to what your saying but I think this is quite a depressive and cynical way of looking at people. Maybe try understanding people using your heart before using your head.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#115

Post by username90 »

isoprophlex wrote: post #91
lookathrwaway wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

Don't you envy people that never overthink things? People that enjoy the sensory experience of slobbering on a glass of wine? Playing sports for the sake of it? Try empathy. These are humans too. They have their reasons for living their 'distasteful' lives. I think it's you who's only got one note on their tune, not everyone around you. If, in traffic, everybody is honking at you, do you think all of them are bad dri…

> Try empathy.

Empathy sucks, I am pretty sure I would be a lot nicer and outgoing if I were less empathetic. You see people struggle with things all the time but you can't do anything about it. All empathy leads to in those situations is suffering because you feel their emotions.

In my opinion people who are outgoing and friendly often have low empathy, they ignore basically everything and just put on their default happy face. It can feel nice, but then you realize that they are super shallow so nothing they say really matters.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#116

Post by brokenmachine »

ajxs wrote: post #14

I learned the hard way to not underestimate how competitive and treacherous some people can be in the workplace. I was a long-term contractor in a large company and had an incident where I confided to another employee about some issues I was having negotiating my pay at contract renewal time. I never mentioned any numbers, just that a manager had previously promised me a pay-raise and was not honouring their word. Wi…

Keeping pay negotiations confidential benefits only the company, not the workers.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#117

Post by throwaway-q2232 »

Repeated Prisoner's Dilemma problem and the Evolution of Trust - see Managing Your Manager by Ken Kousen. Essentially, Ken uses game theory to illustrate what behavior prevails in various situations and surveys various ways to deal with different personal. Also, the Game of Trust, as reviewed by Ken in his trainings.

Also, Robert Greene's The Laws of Human Nature.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#118

Post by metaphor »

JamesBarney wrote: post #7

How to manage expectations. That communication is incredibly important. That the higher up the org chart someone is the busier they are. So what you spend 40 hours a week thinking about they might not spend 45 minutes thinking about. So over-communicate and remind them of important information about the project. Because they will forget lots of important details, and things that are glaringly obvious to you won't eve…

> That the higher up the org chart someone is the busier they are. So what you spend 40 hours a week thinking about they might not spend 45 minutes thinking about.

Respectfully, that's a proverbial crock of trite bullshit perpetuated to game the naive/inexperienced.

If the next level above me couldn't spend at least 45 minutes thinking about the general problem I've been trying to solve in the past week, then that person:

a.) is stretched way too thin (which should be pretty obvious); or

b.) seriously needs to GTFO for the sake of the rest of the team.

P.S. As a de facto (not even official) technical lead on a US$3mil+ project that I've been assigned to, I spend at least 45 minutes a week sitting on a toilet bowl thinking of ways to improve the performance of my team while literally taking a shit. What's your project manager's excuse?

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#119

Post by ethnologica »

lookathrwaway wrote: post #77
whiddershins wrote: post #19

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did. Some important ideas - Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with…

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

Thanks for being that open. I agree. Is there a way to get in touch with you? ;)

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#120

Post by gafferongames »

lookathrwaway wrote: post #77
whiddershins wrote: post #19

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did. Some important ideas - Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with…

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

Are you a sociopath?
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