Audiobooks are a good way to not feel alone in your head.
Ask HN: How to be alone?
101–110 of 592 posts
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#102Only one passing mention of martial arts so far? Consider Brazilian jiu-jitsu, which is certainly not safe but is very grounding. After spending all your waking hours at a computer, grappling presses your soul back into your body. It's a very different kind of socialising, mutually-exhausted extremely-physical and in my experience very wholesome, even if the injury risk is higher than nearly every other hobby. (And y…
Or try the other side of the spectrum and pick up tai chi. I started practicing almost 15 years ago (grudgingly) and it's surprisingly great!
Happy to help find a place that fits. In my experience, martial arts schools are very much a vibe-compatibility thing.
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#103Earlier quoted context omitted.
Thank you. Did you ever learn to love being alone? The idea of it sounds nice. How long did it take for you to start to feel normal again? If I may ask, what did you personally do for each of those bullet points? I'm curious about things that concretely helped people.
Yeah, I did, but it took a while. For me there were two phases: First was just “not drowning”. The breakup left this constant panic humming in the background, so my bar was low: I just wanted evenings and weekends that didn’t feel like a black hole. Concrete stuff I did for the bullets I mentioned: • “Being alone as a skill”: I picked one small thing per day that I did on purpose alone. For a few months it was mostly…
>• “Low‑effort chat outlet”: I had one friend I could message stupid little updates to (“made a decent omelette”, “fixed the sink”). We didn’t have deep talks every day, but just having a place to put those small moments kept me from feeling like my life was happening in a vacuum.
I ran a media-centric chatroom at one time filled with folks that would drop in and tell me about their omelettes, and then over the course of some time, wars, struggles, disease, etc they all disappeared.
This is a bit other-sided, but while I was happy to provide the environment they needed to offload silly stuff (and they, too, were struggling) I never anticipated how much I would miss the small daily comments once they were gone.
If you have that kind of connection with folks, regardless of how silly, cherish it. They will probably end up feeling similarly in the long run.
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#104This is going to be a difficult time.. and that's OK. Great change is upon you.
One book I cannot recommend enough is Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life by James Hollis.
Listen deeply to yourself, be kind with yourself. It's so very hard but so very very rewarding.
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#105> I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.
You can have a great psychiatrist and be on a cocktail of mood-altering drugs and still be depressed. I know because I lived that way for many years. The sooner you admit to yourself that you're depressed, the sooner you can start trying to work through it. Cause that's the only solution to depression: working through it.
I mean, it's not really fair for me to armchair diagnose you and I'm certainly without qualification to do so. I'm just telling you what I recognize in your words. I refused to admit that I was depressed in 2020 (who wasn't that year) because that would "make it real." Once I finally stopped trying to trick myself out of it, I was able to accept my situation and even that was a slight relief (though certainly not a cure).
I wish you all the best. I really do. It's gonna be really difficult if I'm right, but me pretending that it won't be isn't gonna help you. All I can say is that I'm confident that you'll get to the other side eventually if you don't give up. I believe that to be true for most people and you haven't said anything that makes it seem untrue for you. I wish for you courage.
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#106Only one passing mention of martial arts so far? Consider Brazilian jiu-jitsu, which is certainly not safe but is very grounding. After spending all your waking hours at a computer, grappling presses your soul back into your body. It's a very different kind of socialising, mutually-exhausted extremely-physical and in my experience very wholesome, even if the injury risk is higher than nearly every other hobby. (And y…
I think rock-climbing fills a similar void for me. It's social, physical, and mental, and has a progression to it where I feel like I've gained something after every session. Plus you can take your skills outside and enjoy nature and travel with friends
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#107Dating sites and online are not going to make you feel better so don't expect anything from that. 38 is young for a guy, and I met plenty of women in my 40s (in real life) who would have made a a good couple with.
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#108You need to lift weights seriously, like get your squat at least to bodyweight, ideally 1.5x bodyweight. Of course it's great for the body, but it has profound effects on the mind too, like you might be able to get off those meds. Studies show mental health effects from working out depend on intensity. Fix your diet and your sleep. Meditate. The basic concept is invest seriously in yourself and you'll like being by y…
Agree, and you will meet people at the gym. Learn to lift barbells, not machines. Powerlifters can seem intimidating from a distance but they are the same mix of people as everyone else: nerds, extroverts, introverts, men, women, gay, straight... and in my experience they are very open and friendly to those who are getting started. If you want a guide to get started, Starting Strength is a good one. It's aimed at nov…
> Starting Strength
It's a great technical manual. But you have to be careful because a lot of personalities there and around US fitness culture are nazis and deeply unhappy.
I like to mix working out with Buddhism (eg metta meditation). They complement each other quite well.
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#109I've had several instances in my life where I've been alone for extended periods of time, almost at the same age you are now. I've generally enjoyed it, but not sure what the "How To" is for being alone. For me I've used my alone time to do new/learn things. I taught myself parkour, went and did Brazilian jiujitsu for years, did painting/art classes, went indoor rock climbing, read a lot more on philosophy, went to philosophy groups, joined my local humanist/secular society, worked out a lot more and went running, worked on my own programming projects, geocached, went to local lectures/presentations, all kinds of things. Basically I just followed any random thing my brain thought was interesting. As a side effect I ended up meeting a lot more people than I would have otherwise. I remember feeling anxious when I first became alone but I focused on the fact that I had a lot of freedom. Once you start experiencing your own freedom it feels good! It took a bit, I remember I felt mentally shackled about what I could do, but as I did things I just found there was more that I wanted to do.
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#110> I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.
One of the things that has happened to be several times on different meds is a compression of emotional peaks and valleys.
The highs don't feel nearly as high but the lows don't feel as low, either.
This situation for you is going to take a lot of time to work through.
I wish you the best of luck.