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Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

#101

Post by Jemaclus »

seanthemon wrote: post #42
JohnFen wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> If you want to cancel all of the time because you have nothing to talk about, then that indicates a number of different possibilities, very few of which are good. But all of your examples are things I would have already discussed with my manager outside of any kind of formal 1:1s, so that doesn't leave anything for the 1:1. That makes a 1:1 basically a performative exercise: I have to perform in it well enough that…

Honestly I feel like this is what I do, fill it with what they want to hear so I can progress versus actually discussing anything worthwhile because those things I bring uo at the time when it matters. 1-1 feels so pointless..

Like someone else said, a good manager doesn't want you to tell us what you think they want to hear; they want to hear the truth. If you can't trust your manager with work-related support, then that indicates other problems! Maybe it means your manager sucks, maybe it means you have past trauma with managers who couldn't support you, maybe it means that your company culture is toxic. But I view my 1:1 with my boss and my 1:1s with my reports to be some of the most valuable time at my job. I learn so much and it removes a lot of obstacles.

I've had bad bosses who don't know how to use 1:1s, and that means I have to do more work to make it valuable. I usually don't last long at those jobs, because I want bosses that make my job easier, not harder.

I've had reports that don't know how to use 1:1s, and it's incumbent upon me to teach them and ensure that they're getting maximum value out of it. If they aren't, then either I'm failing and I need to fix that, or they aren't interested, and I also need to fix that.

If you think your boss isn't hearing you or isn't someone you can trust and build a bond with and level up your career with, then but you either need to do some self-reflection or find a new boss.

There are other options, of course. You can keep your boss that you don't trust and get guidance elsewhere. Places like Rand's Leadership Slack or other tech hubs can be good places to get advice on how to level up in your career. There's a lot out there that you don't need to be chained to a boss whose 1:1s feel pointless.

I wish you the best of luck. Let me know if there's any way I can help.

Re: Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

#102

Post by JohnFen »

Jemaclus wrote: post #99
JohnFen wrote: post #97

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I don't think 1:1s are necessarily about performance evaluations -- if you think they are, I hope you can learn to think of them differently I don't think this. When I said it become "performative", I didn't mean that in terms of my work performance, I mean it in terms of having to perform well enough in the 1:1 so they don't leave a bad impression in my manager's mind. I understand what you're saying here, and I'm…

Re: "performance", I was responding to this sentence > I have to perform in it well enough that my manager won't be left thinking as you do in the quote. although I admit I may have just misinterpreted this. A good manager expects honesty, not a performance. Have you spoken with your manager about what they expect from these 1:1s? Like OOP, you could just ask. Maybe you've done that. Look, I hear you. I know exactly…

Oh, sure!

I'm not saying that you're wrong, by the way (and I don't think we disagree on the fundamentals you're talking about). I'm just expressing what it is about the 1:1 format specifically that makes me dislike them.

For perspective, I have a weekly meeting with my manager where we touch base to discuss team direction and whatnot (I'm the lead of my team). That's not in a 1:1 format at all and isn't about me, my professional development, any of that.

However, those meetings result in most of the benefits that you're talking about nonetheless and work for me precisely because they're not about me.

My point is that the 1:1 format itself is not one that works well for everyone. If you're the sort of personality that doesn't mesh with the whole 1:1 thing, then 1:1s are just things you have to do because the company requires them.

You could argue that our weekly meetings are, in fact, 1:1s in disguise. I wouldn't say that you're wrong, even though the focus is a bit different. But they are very useful to me because of that, where I find it extremely difficult to find value in actual 1:1s.

Re: Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

#103

Post by 486sx33 »

We follow traction and use software called bloom growth. The 1:1 meetings with my employees are accessible to both of us and items can be put it at any time. We define long term goals and short term objectives and issues and work on them.

Some of my employees prefer a phone call and we just chat. Others like the structure. I spend 4 hours a week doing 8 x 30 min 1:1s

I’ve come to embrace that it doesn’t look the same for each person.

To answer your question directly, take some time and figure out for yourself, what are your work goals, what are your personal goals, what problems do you encounter at work that affect you that you feel could be solved. Bring out of the box ideas… unless you’re facing disciplinary action, the 1:1 is for you and your personal growth.

Re: Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

#104

Post by 486sx33 »

Jemaclus wrote: post #19

Manager here: first, I'll say that you're ahead of the rest of the class just by asking this question. Most people don't bother trying to get much out of the 1:1s with their bosses. Here's the basic answer: the 1:1 is for you, not for me. If I'm doing my job well, I already know the status of your work. This is a chance for you to talk about anything that you want. Some of my reports ask about technical things: how c…

If one of my people want to skip the 1:1 I would never force them to do it anyway.

Re: Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

#105

Post by 486sx33 »

Clubber wrote: post #32
_moof wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I'll put it this way: the 1:1 for you, but it's also too valuable to skip just because you don't want it. We will have a 1:1 on a regular cadence, whether you like it or not. I don't want a meeting for the sake of having a meeting, but 1:1s are the single best way for managers to connect to team members. If you want to cancel all of the time because you have nothing to talk about, then that indicates a number of di…

>So what I'm hearing, it's not actually for me, it's for you. It's totally for the manager, they gotta fill their calendars to look like they're doing stuff. I hate when they want me to rank myself from 1-5 on various things just to tell me, "I don't think you're a 5, you're performing as expected. COL raise." I just put 3's on everything and wait for it to be over. Our company (whose application I built from scratch…

I’m sorry you’ve had managers that make you feel that way.

I can assure you that not every manager needs to book 1:1’s to fill their calendar.

Re: Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

#106

Post by 486sx33 »

486sx33 wrote: post #103

We follow traction and use software called bloom growth. The 1:1 meetings with my employees are accessible to both of us and items can be put it at any time. We define long term goals and short term objectives and issues and work on them. Some of my employees prefer a phone call and we just chat. Others like the structure. I spend 4 hours a week doing 8 x 30 min 1:1s I’ve come to embrace that it doesn’t look the same…

Wow I gave this answer before reading the comments and there are a lot of scary comments. I am projecting love and positivity to everyone here who has had a poor experience. I can promise you that’s not how it is everywhere in the work force

Re: Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

#107

Post by kledru »

nostrademons wrote: post #54
_moof wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I'll put it this way: the 1:1 for you, but it's also too valuable to skip just because you don't want it. We will have a 1:1 on a regular cadence, whether you like it or not. I don't want a meeting for the sake of having a meeting, but 1:1s are the single best way for managers to connect to team members. If you want to cancel all of the time because you have nothing to talk about, then that indicates a number of di…

I give my reports the option of canceling 1:1s if they want to, or have other priorities. Sometimes they just have a pressing deadline and would rather be coding so they can go home. Sometimes their kid is sick and their boss is the last person they would rather be talking to. I try to avoid canceling 1:1s myself if possible, since it really sends the message that your boss doesn't care about you or your work, and if…

Many people in specialist roles are not motivated by management attention to their work and prefer minimal involvement unless it's to remove obstacles or provide resources. Intrinsic motivation does not care if boss cares about the work...

Re: Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

#108

Post by JohnFen »

ivan_gammel wrote: post #98
JohnFen wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

When my manager asks me to present what I did over the weekend to the team, that's a demand from my boss. He may or may not think it is, but there's a power dynamic involved here that can't be ignored, which is why I think it's an awful practice. I answer "not much" and immediately pivot to giving a work status report before any followup question can happen, and my manager lets me get away with that. That's a little…

Did you try to discuss it on 1:1? There may be some power dynamics involved, but this is a good opportunity to practice your pushback skill. Managers should hear “No” more often, otherwise they won’t know that this is not ok for you.

No, I haven't. Good point. Despite the emphasis I've put on it here, it's really just a relatively minor irritation not worth bringing up in a formal way, at least at this time. He's getting enough pushback from me on things that are more important to the team as a whole already.

I'm very far from shy, though, and if/when the general subject comes up in more casual conversation, I will certainly say something.

Re: Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

#109

Post by mytailorisrich »

Jemaclus wrote: post #92
mytailorisrich wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Here's the basic answer: the 1:1 is for you, not for me. It's for both. It allows the manager to build rapport and trust, to find out things that might not be said in a public or formal setting, and to mentor and coach in a safe environment. You, as manager should also be asking plenty of questions, including to seek feedback.

Absolutely. That's why it was the "basic answer." The longer answer, of course, is that it's for both of us. I don't do it in every 1:1, but probably every 3rd or 4th 1:1, I ask for feedback about my own performance and about how they feel about other parts of the organization. I've found it incredibly valuable. But the primary agenda is your agenda, not mine. Mine is often supplemental and periodic, but the more imp…

A good manager ought to forego the corporate blah blah and be straightforward and not seen as slippery in order to build trust and enable open and honest discussions.

Re: Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

#110

Post by f30e3dfed1c9 »

JohnFen wrote: post #108
ivan_gammel wrote: post #98

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Did you try to discuss it on 1:1? There may be some power dynamics involved, but this is a good opportunity to practice your pushback skill. Managers should hear “No” more often, otherwise they won’t know that this is not ok for you.

No, I haven't. Good point. Despite the emphasis I've put on it here, it's really just a relatively minor irritation not worth bringing up in a formal way, at least at this time. He's getting enough pushback from me on things that are more important to the team as a whole already. I'm very far from shy, though, and if/when the general subject comes up in more casual conversation, I will certainly say something.

This may help your particular case and I hope it does if you ever address it. But what would be even better is if any of the managers who might still be reading along (doubtful but you never know) internalized this: if you find yourself about to ask one of the people you manage a question that can be correctly answered "that's really none of your business," then just don't ask it. Couldn't be simpler.
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