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Ask HN: About to have a child, completely burnt out at my job, what do I do?

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Re: Ask HN: About to have a child, completely burnt out at my job, what do I do?

#101

Post by csixty4 »

TrickleDefault wrote: post #98
legitster wrote: post #26

Dude! Congrats! This is a magical time. Don't waste it by worrying. Stay at your job. Milk them for whatever paternity leave they will give you. And if you announce you are going on a long paternity leave, they are not going to fire you right before you leave. DO NOT SWITCH JOBS NOW. When the hospital sends you the bill - argue, argue, argue. They did stupid stuff to us like bill both my wife and the child for all th…

> When the hospital sends you the bill - argue, argue, argue. As someone who comes from a country with single-payer healthcare, this sentence made me feel really sad. I knew some people around the world have to pay for hospital trips, but for some reason I never even considered that having a baby could cost the parents money.

Often times it's thousands of dollars even with insurance. We were lucky in that we only had a $20 copay I think.

Re: Ask HN: About to have a child, completely burnt out at my job, what do I do?

#102

Post by csixty4 »

boopboopbadoop wrote: post #65
leoqa wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Just to add another data point. This last year due to the shortage, we’re spending 200/mo on formula alone.

To this point, consider breastfeeding. I won’t comment on nutritional differences, but you save money at the cost of time/flexibility.

I know you mean well with this comment but I doubt there's anyone who gives birth these days who doesn't consider breastfeeding. The hospital's push it HARD and we couldn't leave the hospital without a literal class in it.

Not everyone has an easy time of it though. They either can't produce any or not enough and the combination of this pressure and post-partum depression can be life-threatening. There's a lot more that goes into the decision to formula feed than cost.

Re: Ask HN: About to have a child, completely burnt out at my job, what do I do?

#103

Post by csixty4 »

lurker619 wrote: post #97
supertofu wrote: post #9

You need parental leave. Not only for your mental health, but so you can support mama and baby. You should not be thinking about work AT ALL for the first 90 days of baby's life. Do whatever you can to get as much parental leave as you possibly can. Be there for baby and mama, and then -- only then, after baby is a few months old and your partner has healed a bit -- should you start worrying about your job and financ…

Isn't it inefficient for both mom & dad to take their parental leave at the same time? Wouldn't it be better to alternate like 8 months + 2/4 months so that atleast one person is available for basically a full year? Rather than both having to go back to work in 6 months.

Carrying a baby and giving birth is a physical and emotional trainwreck. A C-section involves literally cutting you open. If you're lucky enough to have a vaginal birth you're still going to have a tear or -- if your ob is still in the stone age -- an episiotomy. And there's a whole roller coaster ride of hormones and pressure to do everything perfect or you'll ruin your child for life.

The partner who didn't give birth is there to take care of two mostly helpless human beings, one who just came into to the world and one who needs rest and TLC so they can rejoin the world quickly.

Re: Ask HN: About to have a child, completely burnt out at my job, what do I do?

#104

Post by sethammons »

My wife and I met at 14 and had a kid by 15. Life was (and in many ways continues to be) hard. We could do it at 15, you can do it as an adult with an income. We never could take a chance. We've been in dire straits and financial black holes and despite that, here we are. Be a team, help each other, communicate, prioritize basic needs, the baby, then your relationship with your significant other, then work and all the other things. You got this.

Re: Ask HN: About to have a child, completely burnt out at my job, what do I do?

#105

Post by agent008t »

It sounds like this is not something you planned on, are prepared for, or currently want. I am seriously surprised that nobody has mentioned it so far, as surely this should be the top comment: have you considered abortion? That sounds like the most responsible option to me.

Re: Ask HN: About to have a child, completely burnt out at my job, what do I do?

#106

Post by boopboopbadoop »

csixty4 wrote: post #102
boopboopbadoop wrote: post #65

Earlier quoted context omitted.

To this point, consider breastfeeding. I won’t comment on nutritional differences, but you save money at the cost of time/flexibility.

I know you mean well with this comment but I doubt there's anyone who gives birth these days who doesn't consider breastfeeding. The hospital's push it HARD and we couldn't leave the hospital without a literal class in it. Not everyone has an easy time of it though. They either can't produce any or not enough and the combination of this pressure and post-partum depression can be life-threatening. There's a lot more t…

I see what you mean, but my point was around the cost saving aspect of it. Maybe everyone considers that aspect, but I figured it’s worth mentioning since once you go down the formula path, it’s hard/impossible to go back.

Re: Ask HN: About to have a child, completely burnt out at my job, what do I do?

#107

Post by supertofu »

lurker619 wrote: post #97
supertofu wrote: post #9

You need parental leave. Not only for your mental health, but so you can support mama and baby. You should not be thinking about work AT ALL for the first 90 days of baby's life. Do whatever you can to get as much parental leave as you possibly can. Be there for baby and mama, and then -- only then, after baby is a few months old and your partner has healed a bit -- should you start worrying about your job and financ…

Isn't it inefficient for both mom & dad to take their parental leave at the same time? Wouldn't it be better to alternate like 8 months + 2/4 months so that atleast one person is available for basically a full year? Rather than both having to go back to work in 6 months.

This is the most HN comment of all time. Sigh.

We're talking about human beings. Efficiency is not part of the equation. The perinatal period is the most physically (and very often mentally as well) dangerous period in a woman's life. Women to this day die from complications in childbirth.

The first six months after birth are incredibly difficult on a woman's body and mind. Women NEED their partners' help at this time, efficiency be damned.

Re: Ask HN: About to have a child, completely burnt out at my job, what do I do?

#108

Post by kbelder »

throwawaydad12 wrote: post #92

The bad: This is what it means to be a man, a father. You are Atlas, and you will hold up your kid's world. No one will be on your side. Some will curse you. Even your kid will probably curse you when they're in their teens. The good: You will have the power to make your kid's life a good one. You'll make a difference that no one else can make. Probably the decisive difference. Even if no one ever acknowledges it, yo…

Also... herculean efforts become a lot easier when you need to succeed for your kid's sake.

Re: Ask HN: About to have a child, completely burnt out at my job, what do I do?

#109

Post by hollywood_court »

legitster wrote: post #26

Dude! Congrats! This is a magical time. Don't waste it by worrying. Stay at your job. Milk them for whatever paternity leave they will give you. And if you announce you are going on a long paternity leave, they are not going to fire you right before you leave. DO NOT SWITCH JOBS NOW. When the hospital sends you the bill - argue, argue, argue. They did stupid stuff to us like bill both my wife and the child for all th…

I second the part about having a kid is cheap. I was so afraid of the expenses, but the child caused us to experience significant lifestyle changes that in turn saved us significant money.

Re: Ask HN: About to have a child, completely burnt out at my job, what do I do?

#110

Post by soulofmischief »

eimrine wrote: post #59
onemoresoop wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

While true in itself I find that it is mean to say this to someone who is going through a crisis. Having children is not easy but not super hard either if as a parent you have things in order. However, sometimes without doing anything wrong things go off track. I burned out in the past and while at it , it felt like a place of no return. I now look at it from a place of insight, I learnt to never go down that path ag…

> Having children is not easy but not super hard either if as a parent you have things in order. I wish it to be super hard and not cool tbh. If you want to get that kind of coolness then go 996 and stop complaining, please. Somebody might be disgusted about overpopulation of the Earth, btw.

Great, meanwhile some of us want to have fun while tending to our responsibilities.
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