Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

101–110 of 210 posts

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#101

Post by scarface74 »

There was nothing to deal with. We are a team. We met at work and she was making $35K and I was making $80K at 35 and 37 years old.

We both knew the company was on its last legs and I encouraged her to get a job that while it was making less, it had good benefits and she had two kids. We weren’t married yet. I knew I had a contract lined up with one of our customers when the company folded.

I promised her I would help her make up the difference in income.

I proposed to her and a week later the contract I was working on ended. I wasn’t really worried I knew I could get another contract. While I wasn’t working, she proposed that we go ahead and go to the courthouse so I could get on her insurance.

Once, my job situation stabilized, she got another job making even less working with school system so she could be on the same schedule with her (now our) kids. But with good benefits.

I changed jobs four times between 2012-2018 not having to worry about the viability of the company or the benefits knowing my wife had benefits. From the time we started dating until the beginning of 2020, our income gap went from $40K to $120K.

The money was “ours” the entire time and we worked together to rebuild our lives from our financial messes before we got married - both previously divorced and my failed real estate business.

Then in mid 2020 at 45, I got my first job in $BigTech working remotely in the cloud consulting department.

We talked about her “retiring” at 45. By then, I was making 10x what she was making. We didn’t need the money. I knew I wasn’t changing jobs again and I didn’t want her to be in the school system at the height of Covid.

I asked her to come up with a comfortable budget for her “allowance”. I have that amount deposited into “her” account when I get paid. She does what she wants with it.

Now, when I travel for business, if she wants to come, I buy her ticket and we extend the trip for the weekend.

Later this year, we will be doing the digital nomad thing traveling across the country.

Disclaimer: my blog below will never be used for monetization - no ads, no affiliate links. I pay to host here. Anyone who knows my posting history knows that I’m anti-adTech. This is more of a personal journal.

https://digitalnomadder.micro.blog/

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#102

Post by scarface74 »

raydev wrote: post #100

First, I'll share my experience. My wife and I have one bank account, and 2 credit cards each under our name to ensure credit score activity happens. I was a secondary on her credit card for years assuming it was building my credit too, but turns out I wasn't building a credit score at all. We have one bank account. When we started she was already out of university, and she was the primary income while I went to scho…

My wife and I could never do the one bank account. The coordination would take too much mental energy. We are both on all of our accounts. But we spend out of our own accounts.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#103

Post by scarface74 »

downut wrote: post #81
readthenotes1 wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

We split the money because my now ex would have squandered it all otherwise

Exactly: partition => divorce. The arrow symbol '=>' is not causal; the partition did not cause the divorce, but where there was a partition, the divorce, in our experience, inevitably happened. I don't even want to elevate our lengthy relationship as something superior. Hardly anyone, including us, started out in their teens understanding what makes a good relationship. We probably stumbled into the single pot model…

My parents are 78 and 80 years old. They have been married 53 years and my dad took my mom to his high school prom. They retired at 55 and 57. They have always had separate accounts and coordinated spending. It’s not because of lack of trust. They’ve been on the same page financially since day one. Neither of them had anything but their own cars when they first got married.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#104

Post by [deleted] »

rock_hard wrote: post #15

My wife makes about 5-6x what I make But I do make $200k/y So what we do is that her money is hers and mine is mine If she wants to spend her money on joint things like our house than that’s fine but I am clear with her whenever I won’t join those projects because I can’t afford it It’s been working just fine I know from friends though that it can be a issue if one of the partners has a income below a certain thresho…

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#105

Post by m-p-3 »

First, we made a budget of all the household expenses that are recurring, and divided those proportionally to the total revenue we both make. We then have a total that each of us need to transfer into a shared account every week where all household transactions are made. The rest of the unused income is partly put in savings account, and some discretionary spending.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#106

Post by scarface74 »

ryandrake wrote: post #50
telman17 wrote: post #3

I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. We have a budget and try to stick to it and have occasional vacations or upgrade something in the house. When it comes to finances we are a single unit and…

That's the simplest way. Honestly the whole "my money, your money" thing, with separate accounts, and you pay for this, and I pay for that, and oh i can't buy groceries with your money and vice versa, it just seems so... unnecessarily exhausting. When we got married, that's basically entering into an agreement that says we're one entity. So we just treat everything we own as owning it together. If we were ever to div…

I’ve been married for 10 years we manage our separate accounts. But they are all joint accounts. She has “her” bills and I have “my” bills. Those are just bills we take responsibility for.

When she was working, I transferred money to “her” account when needed to pay “her” bills. We also have a separate account for “household” spending like groceries. I deposited money into that account when I got paid. But she manages it.

If she wants me to pick up groceries out of the account. She would give me a list and either she or I would transfer the money to “my” account.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#107

Post by jotato »

tstrimple wrote: post #89
downut wrote: post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

42 years in and it is still one pot of money. My wife makes the money now, and has for 15 years. But we have swapped a half dozen times over the years. For instance when the child was born and she took 3 years off, or I got a relocation and she took a few years off. I can cook and clean and do all the work around the house and whatever meta overhead needs to be done, so it has worked out fine. Right now she is sick o…

I am the sole income earner in our household, but my wife and I have separate checking accounts. It’s not a matter of whether it’s my money or hers, but just a convenient way to isolate spending to reduce lines of communication. Early in my career I wasn’t earning a lot, and having to coordinate spending around a shared account led to more than one overdraft charge. Yes, this could be solved with careful communicatio…

We do the same thing. We have a main account for bills and any essential items. Then we each have an account (still joint, but separate) and we put money in both every pay. Think of it as an allowance :)

I don't care what she spends hers on, and she no longer comments when I buy a new tool. Win/win/win

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#108

Post by atwood22 »

Do you have a prenup? If not, I think it’s important to understand that half of what she earns is yours and half of what you earn is hers. If you don’t have a prenup, you should really be pooling your money. If not, you’re asking for trouble later. Like if you get divorced and she conveniently forgets about the buyout money during the settlement. Also, she could be spending it or investing it in things you might not be comfortable with.

If you have a prenup, then just keep doing what you’re doing.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#109

Post by atwood22 »

mooreds wrote: post #71
drdec wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> If one of you got an inheritance, would that be carved off and only spendable by the inheritor? Legally speaking, an inheritance is not marital property. If you put it in a joint bank account or use it to improve joint property it can become marital property however.

You have a point, the OP owns his wife's startup jackpot in the eyes of the law. (Unless there's a prenup in the mix, which is not mentioned.) But there's legal situations and then there is real life. If a discussion about money ever gets the lawyers involved, then the marriage is either way more high powered than anyone I've ever known or is in a pretty bad state.

To me, it’d be pretty weird to enter a lifelong agreement with someone to share everything, but then as soon as you hit the lotto you start to squirrel things away on the side.
Post reply on HN