My stupid answer: experience, by living things with people most fears will evaporate because most of them are really irrational reflexes. The smoother you become emotionally, the easier it gets to deflect the awkwardness when it's back, or simply laugh it off.
Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
101–110 of 568 posts
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#102Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#103What changed?
I've thought a lot about this, and to be honest, while I would love to say that it was an intense, fulfilling journey of self-improvement ... I think what made the biggest difference was that the people around me changed.
In high school, my peers were brutal and immature. There were bullies. There were people who would be a jerk to you for no reason other than for giggles. And there was a lot of pressure to conform or at least not stick out too much.
Then college came around and I got involved in activities like the student newspaper, a co-ed a cappella group, and several other things. And the people were welcoming and actually wanted me to be a part of their group.
Then, after college, I entered the working world, and while there were always a couple of difficult personalities, the vast majority of the people I worked with were professional, welcoming, appreciated my contributions, and wanted me to succeed.
Yes, I can still be awkward at times. Through practice, I've gotten better at small talk, but I'll still trip over my own words from time to time. But the people with whom I've been fortunate to develop personal or professional relationships tend to have the maturity to accept that part of me.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#104Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#105Few things:
1. In my mid-20's, I got a consulting job. I went from project to project, meeting new people, team members and clients. Building from a central core of confidence in my competence, it "leaked" that confidence into the accompanying social interactions as well. I dealt with people younger and older, technical and functional, of all kinds of personalities and walks of life. But! We had a reason to be there, a goal and mission and process and procedure, so it eliminated a lot of awkwardness and uncertainty and exposed me to varied social interactions 40 hours a week for years. As I grew my confidence in my work skills my confidence and comfort in social interactions grew as well.
2. I was a shy child, then in a civil war during my formative years of ~12-15. Let's call me a "late bloomer" when it comes to opposite sex :). After years of awkwardness and "lusting from afar" and just not going anywhere, I finally blew my gasket and one day decided "Enough is enough, I'll figure it out" and signed up for lavalife. I went on dates with conscious approach of "I'll probably survive this".
Following sentence will make different amount of sense and obviousness depending which side of divide you're on, but eventually I learned: It's not rocket science, it's not deadly, it's doable. If you're a honest, open, semi-interesting person, dating is not hard. (Finding "the one" is more and longer work of course; I'm lucky to have done so and happily married with 2 kids now :)
3. I have many interests and hobbies, so going to photography meetups and classes, rock climbing, motorsports, etc, have all allowed me to experience additional social interactions built around a core interest and confidence and competency. Volunteering to teach or help with something you're strong at (computer literacy for example) will do absolute wonders. Teaching is amazing btw - there's a clear and easily understandable social situation where all attention is on you but in a friendly and well defined way. And though that sounds Sheldon-like, it is also amazingly rewarding fun and interesting!
Also note, there are many paths to social acceptance. I have not chameleoned fully into social norms and strive for middle of bell curve - I'm still considered a bit weird; but it's said in a loving / amusing way (usually :-). I own it, I have significant confidence into who how what I am, and that seems to be the key ultimately, at least for any people I am interested in :-).
[Personally, FWIW, and not to discourage but to share in wonderful variety of humanity :), Gym is the absolute positive LAST place I would've ever suggested my teenager self to reduce social awkwardness; for me, instead of starting from a core of confidence, it would start from the core of insecurity and incompetence, and to me a strange and incomprehensible social habits and contracts, suffused with body exposure and smells and all too frequently macho bravado and bro culture; but it may well work for others, and certainly if you do gym hard and long, it'll improve your body and body image (neither my confidence or self-consciousness have ever stemmed from my body; I'm neither embarrassed or proud of it - it just is :). ]
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#106I also concur with the advice that dealing with social interactions is like muscle training: you need to do it repeatedly, and semi-regularly. And also, yes, it may be a little painful at first; and may feel very artificial--that's OK. A good place to practice: in a grocery store line, with whomever is behind you; and possibly with the checker, if they don't look stressed already.
I didn't see MeetUps mentioned already, but I've found them great. That's because they give the participants something to do/think about/focus on; when the conversation might drag, or otherwise be awkward. Do note that going to MeetUps with, ahem, possibly an unusually high population of introverts might NOT be a great idea. In other words, don't expect to practice your social skills so much at, say, a 'New Features in TypeScript' meetup; but one devoted to, say, fresh-water canoeing might be better (yes that's nearly stereotyping, but roll with it, please...).
Lastly, a great way to socialize, in a low-stress environment, is contra-dancing (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contra_dance). If you're not familiar, it's a dance form that is VERY approachable for the most un-coordinated among us. And live music, with just a nominal cover charge, typically. BTW, they usually have a mini-class at the beginning of each dance. But there are only about a dozen moves, and most of them are pretty basic (especially if you've done any square dancing or ballroom dancing before--but contra dancing is easier to learn). Typically there's a mid-dance break, which is a great time to practice socializing. Also, people usually change partners after each individual dance, so you get to meet lots of folks. (But don't expect to take anyone home that night--it's the _opposite_ of a 'meat market'; and you will not be welcomed back if you're too aggresive...) There are dances in pretty much every state in the USA, and some outside the USA; though there are the most in the North East USA. Caveat: most dances were shut down completely due to COVID-19 and are just starting up again.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#107Self-confidence is inversely correlated to the power of your superego.
Your superego is trying to protect you against harmful social mistakes. It strengthen itself when you are hurt (socially) and is usually modeled after the paternal authority and is often perceived as a kind of internal moral figure.
Gaining self confidence is the same thing as loosening the grip of the superego.
You can do that with alcohol, to some extent, but there are many undesirable side effects, including worsening your self confidence in the aftermath.
My advise would be to experiment doing "risky" things in a controlled environment where you won't be hurt.
There is no magic trick, unfortunately, success is what lead to self confidence.
(That is, teaching your superego that you can do social things without shooting yourself in the foot)
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#108Also, here is a less cliched answer. I do interviews at work and have to do a behavioral one. I feel like it's given me a lot of practice with just meeting people for the first time and striking off a conversation. I've used those skills in my day to day life and it works great.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#109Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#110I haven't really been in any major social situations lately because of Covid, but I started going to the gym 5 months ago and I find I feel more confident now, just because I feel better about myself and my body I guess. Feeling more confident makes me feel less awkward, although we will see. In any case, if you just started last week, give it some time. Once you start to see physical results, you should start feeling better and that may help you be less awkward too. For me, it took a few months, so it won't be an overnight change.