Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

What makes you think you're socially compatible with most people?

I think the key is realizing that you will probably only click with a small number of people. In my case, I click amazingly well with highly educated, ambitious, often nerdy people, and horribly with people who are really into sports or drinking.

So just striking up a random conversation is unlikely ever to be particularly interesting for me. As a result, I get bored and probably come across as quite boring.

So my recommended approach is to amplify your quirky, unique aspects. These may confuse or offend most people, but once in a while you'll run into someone who gets you. Then just go with the flow.

If you really want to get good with normal people, just get a job as a waiter or bartender.

I recommend lines like "wanna go on a treasure hunt? I'm looking for bits of radioactive ore" or "i'm looking for a soul mate and i am feeling this weird connection with you".

Definitely stay away from petty compliments about earrings, etc. Those are creepy and will turn most girls off. And unless you're a jeweler there isn't really very far you are going to be able to take the conversation, even if she loves talking about earrings.

Bottom line: Maybe 1% of people will look at you and get a good, happy feeling. Half of them will be left after you say something. So don't worry about the 99.5% of people who will be difficult to engage with. Focus on putting yourself out there and the 0.5% will be magnetically drawn to you and your best characteristics.

One thing I dont recommend you try is turning to a girl in a bar and going "jesus these prices are insane!" without realising she's a hardline christian who hates people using jesus as a "curse" word.

Still "with" her 3 years later. And we still row when I forget and say jesus :P

Controversy tends to work quite well because it gets someones attention then they conciously consider talking to you - casual talk or passing chat doesnt really engage anyone and they will pass you over w/o a thought (that is the awkward pause).

Dont say anything hurtful or rude obviously, just outrageous (preferably relating to an inanimate "thing" and definitely no one in the room in case you pick a friend)

Once you have someones attention you can have a real conversation (like pookleblinky suggested elsewhere). "Hi my name is...", "whats yours", "Whats do you do" is fine for small talk. As pookle also mentioned it lets you establish a non-threatening relationship... then pick a good topic to discuss, that can be hard but let it come naturally.

I think your real problem is that your thinking about it too much (I used to do the same). Just care less about what they might be thinking of you and talk as if you've known them for years. If they dont like you then being careful and considerate etc. wont help much anyway - their loss.

It seems to me like you are using a "situational opener" which basically means you open the conversation with something nearby or something you notice. (weather, clothing, event, etc.)

Generally speaking these openers are not very good because after you talk about the situation the conversation is dead. After you ask her when the next bus comes along what could you possibly follow-up with? How many people do you think will be on the bus? Do you think it will be a bumpy ride?

So your goal is to move as quickly as possible from the situational opener into something deeper and more interesting. Find out something about where she is going and try to build off of that into a much more substantial topic.

It's best if you talk about things that are fun such as relationships or social problems. Always avoid the following topics though:

religion politics abortion affirmative action

These topics will destroy you.

Good luck. And once again, try to transition away from the situational opener as soon as possible!

Upon reflection, I recall a period of time, earlier in my life, when I engaged in fairly intense, daily exercise. My social comfort increased significantly, as well as my overall ease with myself and "comfort in my own skin".

Unfortunately, a rather serious injury from which I never fully recovered, eliminated my ability to continue engaging in that or similar exercise. But I would definitely look at personal fitness as a course of action. The trick is that it needs to be something you really enjoy and not just a chore. For me, that was cycling. I'd ride for 2 or 3 hours, get home, and be ready to do it all over again -- I liked it that much.

Following up on my "meditation" comment. For me, the closest I got to meditation was perhaps my state of mind while cycling. I found it much easier to reach such a state while engaged in the activity of cycling. I'm not sure meditation need mean sitting in repose. And the cycling definitely encouraged attention to breath and the like. It encouraged an active, engaged attention to my entire body; simultaneously, the ability to "be in the moment" for extended periods of time.

pack up some small anecdotes that are a lot of fun and that also expose your interests. Make sure they're not super-geeky - most laypeeps will enjoy a story from fmylife.com or rickrolls or /b/ gaming Time Magazine or whatever but not about star wars or iphone apps or functional programming, Sounds obvious but I personally definitely have to do a filter through my stories and file them in OK and not OK bins in my head. Showing off cool new iphone apps is ok too. It's okay to be geeky as long as you are interesting.

Switch between those and open-ended questions and you should be ok. About 1/3 ppl who I chat w like that chat back. 1/3 you could force it (and sometimes forcing it is worth it, since this is how you build up the game) and 1/3 are plain not down, but ignore those fools or switch to a more advanced game.