Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

11–20 of 118 posts

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#11

Post by seanmcdirmid »

bdcravens wrote: post #8

Some of these ideas are possibly terrible, but just a brain dump: I'd pop your head into random events in college, even if it's groups you don't feel align with you. Try some courses that tend to require higher levels of interaction (like theatre) I wouldn't join a fraternity, but that's a way some connect with others. Turn yourself into a billboard, wearing T-shirts for things you like (bands, geeky things, etc). A…

No sh*t about smoking. You have whole social circles that you can easily join just for afternoon or morning smoke breaks. My head misses it but also remembers the nicotine headaches I used to get as well so I guess I’ve somehow overcome that after more than a decade after quitting. The social aspect is undeniable though, and I’m glad there is social pressure against it now, as well as limiting places where people can smoke to far off isolating places.

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#12

Post by yresting »

satvikpendem wrote: post #4

You focus on others talking to you, why don't you talk to them? I don't mean just one conversation but making plans for hanging out next time too, or joining hobbies you'd like to do. One thing I've learned is that you yourself must make an effort first, even if you think it's unfair or if it's a lot of work, otherwise you'll be lonely forever. Do you know if you have any sort of neurodivergence? That may be a part o…

Thank you for responding! I do talk to people, in fact Im always the first to bring up events that are happening at school, around town or just in general asking to hang out and chill. It works for a bit, but then I either stop getting responses, or getting told they are free at X time but when X arrives they don’t show up or couldn’t show up, and then at the same time it’s depressing to always know you aren’t ever important enough to someone else for them to just reach out ONE time and ask you if you’d like to hang out, and yes I have ADHD.

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#14

Post by some_furry »

> What am I supposed to do? Be lonely and without any kind of company and human connection my entire life?

This is called catastrophizing. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/catastrophizing

If you take nothing else away from my comment, I would suggest finding out why you do that, and try to change that mental behavior. It might not directly help with loneliness, but it might make your life more satisfactory.

That said, while other folks on HN will have some advice you'll find useful, I'm not sure how applicable my experiences are to anyone else. My advice would be to examine the things you're interested in, especially if they're weird or "cringe", and find people who share those interests. Be shamelessly authentic.

If you don't have any such interests, I dunno.

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#15

Post by yresting »

DwnVoteHoneyPot wrote: post #3

Do you have any hobbies or interests outside of school? If you're passionate about something, you'll be more interesting to people. It'll give you personality. Even if they don't have the same interest, they will ask you about it. And obviously, you'll also meet people who have the same interests. I'll give you an extreme example: there was a Claude AI chatbot that was obsessed with the Golden Gate Bridge. This bot (…

I like programming, electronics, reading, maths and am getting a bike this week so I can spend more time outside! I love talking about these things with other people, and from what I can gather from their body language and facial expressions they also enjoy hearing what I have to say about my interest. But I also enjoy letting them talk about what they like to do so I can get to know them!

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#16

Post by yresting »

markus_zhang wrote: post #2

Maybe you can ask for phone numbers and call people who you like to converse with?

I do! But it’s exhausting always having to text them to hang out, if I don’t then we never talk again. I had a “friend” I consistently texted for 2 - 3 months and it seemed like everything was alright, I then had some personal things I had to take care of and wasn’t able to talk to them. I never heard from them again. Ouch.

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#17

Post by yresting »

rootsudo wrote: post #9

You need to lead, talk, make friends and be outside your comfort zone. You need to make an effort.

I’d like to think I do make an effort in a way, I try to go to the events that are being held at school, I’ve joined a few clubs and I talk to some of the people there. But it doesn’t go anywhere from there. But I will admit I’m socially anxious and keep to myself, but when I see an opportunity to crack a joke I do. But still it leads no where, I’m just that funny quirky kid who made a joke at the holiday festival. I’m still an irrelevant person nobody cares about, and even if I get a few numbers, I end up having ti hold the entire “friendship” on my back until I’m tired and then it ends.

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#19

Post by yresting »

some_furry wrote: post #14

> What am I supposed to do? Be lonely and without any kind of company and human connection my entire life? This is called catastrophizing. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/catastrophizing If you take nothing else away from my comment, I would suggest finding out why you do that, and try to change that mental behavior. It might not directly help with loneliness, but it might make your life more satisfactory.…

I have a ridiculous amount of interest I could share. I will take your advice and see if I can find people who share those interest! I will also try and change my thoughts. It’s just hard to not feel like the world is closing in when it feels like nobody acknowledges your existence.

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#20

Post by neuralkoi »

sieep wrote: post #10
neuralkoi wrote: post #7

Start with the low hanging fruit: your family. There was a period when I put space between myself and my main friends which resulted in loneliness, but I found this created a new space to connect with my siblings who were really interesting and had grown in ways I hadn't noticed. Also, as Charlie Munger always said: "Invert! Invert! Invert!". Try doing the opposite of what you normally do. This requires of course pay…

Im interested to learn more about this team building exercise. What do you mean by hug random strangers? Like on the street? I've never heard of such an exercise before.

This exercise was part of a 3-day weekend team-building workshop which was part of a voluntary work thing.

This particular exercise was assigned as "homework" by the coaching staff: "You will give a hug to a minimum of 5 people who you don't know before returning to tomorrow's session (no children)".

I think the goal was to 1) Step outside your comfort zone 2) Learn to take rejection less personally 3) Learn something about trust

I did my "homework" by going to Chipotle (some people put up a sign at the hotel lobby with the text "free hugs") and asking the cash register attendant and people inside. I remember going to this older lady who seemed like she had just gotten off a looong shift. She looked up and gave me the warmest smile and said "oh this is excellent! Is this part of church or something?" I got the biggest hug ever and it felt amazing. I had a similar experience with the other four hugs.

Post reply on HN