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Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

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Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

#11

Post by _tom_ »

I'd love to see what books people come up with.

Another component is practice. Talk to lots of people. Get a job at Starbucks if you are really committed. Or go to toastmasters. Join any club that has lots of conversation.

Observation is also good. Watch people around you, and see how they speak.

Do not look to fiction, as someone else suggested. Almost all fiction these days is conflict oriented. The examples in fiction are almost always "what not to do", you'll learn to be an insufferable stalker.

There are also dozens of books on communication. Read a few.

Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

#12

Post by theaussiestew »

theaussiestew wrote: post #10

I wouldn't recommend reading more books, psychology, theories or how to step guides. I've been in your shoes, good awareness but still offending or rubbing people the wrong way despite genuinely not intending to. I recommend a more experiential approach, which would obviously make more sense for something like our emotions. To be mentally capable one has to think more, to be emotionally capable one has to feel more.…

And I'd also like to add that psychological hacks and tricks, from books like "Never Split The Difference" and "How to Win Friends and Influence People" don't really work in an effective way. The best way to navigate relationships is naturally, in the moment with no playbook in your mind. It all comes naturally once one is relaxed, but getting to that relaxed state is the challenge, especially if one has spent one's life doing the opposite by being constantly in their mind.

Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

#13

Post by 01HNNWZ0MV43FF »

achempion wrote: post #3

Look up "Peterson emotional intelligence" on YouTube to explore a slightly different take on emotional intelligence. Jordan Peterson argues that EQ doesn't exist, and you can explore your personality with the Big 5 (mostly agreeableness). I suggest also looking into "Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg" as it closely matches the issue you described.

I wouldn't take advice from Peterson on agreeableness or emotional intelligence, he seems pretty unfriendly.

Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

#14

Post by theaussiestew »

_tom_ wrote: post #11

I'd love to see what books people come up with. Another component is practice. Talk to lots of people. Get a job at Starbucks if you are really committed. Or go to toastmasters. Join any club that has lots of conversation. Observation is also good. Watch people around you, and see how they speak. Do not look to fiction, as someone else suggested. Almost all fiction these days is conflict oriented. The examples in fic…

I would second not looking at fiction. So much of the cultural morés around relationships come from what we see in media and so much of it is just wrong and designed to create excitement through dramatisation and negative archetypes. We subconsciously imitate these archetypes and then we're surprised that conflict occurs in real life too. Find people in real life who you respect deeply and try and see what they're doing instead.

Also, exposure therapy, which is essentially what you recommended by saying go to Starbucks, Toastmaster etc, doesn't really work at a fundamental level either. I've done this deeply but didn't really get anywhere for many years. The real problem that creates lack of emotional understanding is our upbringing and how our parents raised us. One can force themselves into social situations for decades and still be anxious or lack empathy and this is simply because how we were raised in the first several years of our lives reverberates into the rest of our life unless awareness is brought into these dynamics.

Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

#15

Post by TheAlchemist »

I'm not sure it's exactly what you're looking for, but there is a book "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie - despite it's cheesy title and being pretty old, it's still very good advice. Turns out, people nature don't change that much !

Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

#16

Post by pavlov »

I liked “Supercommunicators” by Charles Duhigg.

It’s not quite a word-by-word guide, but the examples are captivating and there’s practical advice on how to listen and ask better questions to create a connection.

One of the things he highlights is that a communication situation usually requires both small-scale experimentation and exposing some your own vulnerabilities to discover what might be relevant to the other person in that conversation. That means there’s inherently an element of risk-taking: you can’t stick to a single safe formula each time and expect to connect.

Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

#17

Post by nuancebydefault »

I sometimes feel that way as well, feel misunderstood and hence people become sad or upset.

I think it is not really emotional intelligence that you need or should be looking for. It feels like the problem/solution is more, how to connect more deeply with people. For that to happen, you need to communicate a lot (especially active listening) and feel/show empathy. Once there is this deeper connection, people trust you more and will be more open to explain their feelings.

Easier said than done but practice makes (almost) perfect.

Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

#18

Post by Atotalnoob »

I think some debate techniques might help.

A lot of guides break down into steps about where the opponent is coming from, why they are saying it. It also leads one into anticipating your opponents next move and knowing who your audience is.

This can help you understand why they may respond a certain way.

Make sure what you are saying adds value and doesn’t just make noise.

Also pairing reflective listening can help understand someone and increase EQ

Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

#19

Post by stevenicr »

I recently did some searched for 'life coaches' to try to find one to hire for someone..

Trying to recall all the things I've learned from experiences and from random snippets in books / magazines..

I want to teach others (or at least one other for sure) how to read other people's faces, expressions.. notice how they turn their shoes (towards you for more engagement, turning away, wanting to leave) - think I read that in a time life mini book years ago..

doing a DDG search for "teach people on spectrum about reading people" brings up too much 'learn reading text' results.

Did just find https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-read-people/

so I'll be using that resource.

Interested in what others suggest.

Like we need to create a monthly 'cotillion for adults' club / events / coaching series whatever.. I think there is huge demand.

(https://www.cotillion.com/jdw/curriculum

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