Ask HN: What do you look for in a romantic partner?

> last 2 years open relationship

I'd like to make a counter suggestion that your relationship ended two years ago, but you have not really ended it nor started a new one. There's a very good reason we have a tradition of choosing exactly one person to grow old with. Are you able to explain it in your own words? If not, I suggest you have an immature understanding of love. Please officially end both the relationship that died and the affair that you're having. Then go ask some old happy people for advice on relationships.

So, when I saw this I thought that it was a generic question on what HNers look for in a a partner.

It is not, as I see.

Relationship advice is a very complicated matter. And I cannot dispense relationship advice based on so little information. The information is literally a few paragraphs.

I give relationship advice and set people up whom I have known at least for months.

I have caused two marriages, one relationship going on for eight years, one that lasted 3 years and so on.

I think that you are a woman. But I will not base my opinion on that.

Lifelong relationships should be given very thoughtful consideration. It is also linked with who you truly are. What kind of relationship would be the most suitable for you? These are wha Mt you have to know.

If you want a very stable life of peace (peace as in peacetime), then you will have to trade some wild fun for it.

And if the stable, responsible one allows you to have fun outside now and then, then what's wrong with it? You should stay with the stable one, and have fun outside often.

As you are thinking of kids, I assume you want stability. And share responsibility.

The doctor seems the better option here.

But will they allow you to maintain a lifestyle that you are currently having? Or, are you sure if you will want to maintain the same 5-10 years from now on?

What about your financial situation? How is it?

Just as MandieD said below, I am ready to to take predictable, measured responsibility no matter how hard or annoying it is.

How about you, or either of your partners? Will they be there for unforseen responsibility?

There are simply too many unknowns. I cannot suggest you some clear answer. Not should I.

I seriously suggest that you write things down. Elaborately, clearly. Your feelings, both of their merits, demerits, all ups and downs and so on.

Writing makes things clearer.

Some general advice that I can offer are:

1. Compatibity matter a lot. All kinds of compatibility. You ask yourself- "Do we feel the same about X?" Where X is not some thing. It is just you both being okay with the others' choices.

2. Communication matters. From smallest things to the largest, you should be able to communicate each and everything. Where is that better?

3. Respect matters to me, but I do not know about others. I genuinely respect my woman with whom I have been for 7 years. I am her fan and would be the same even if she were not mine.

4. Physical attraction is not to disregarded entirely. It matters.

As we say in the UK, 'You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat It'. Which is another way of saying that you're always going to have to accept some compromises in life and nothing will ever be perfect, especially not where relationships are concerned.

Both partners will annoy you and delight you in different ways and you'll always be thinking you made the wrong choice.

This is the answer you weren't exactly looking for, sorry.

I suggest that you have a very sheltered understanding of relationships and their variety. The tradition you cite is not universal.

Forgive me I’m out of line, the way I read your post is as follows, your long term partner is someone who you have/had fun with and enjoyed life and activities together. However they are limited to that because you might not respect them any more..because they are irresponsible.

Ultimately when it comes to kids, it’s my belief that having a reliable partner is important plus being in a committed monogamous relationship. But you also want someone with a sense of humour to laugh and alleviate stress in hard times. Having kids is hard work for two people let alone one if your partner is afk…you will not have as much time to find other partners or do as much outside of work and family.