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Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?

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Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?

#12

Post by esbeeb »

esbeeb wrote: post #11

Meditation, of course. The Brahmavihara of Karuna (compassion) is exactly what you are looking for here.

As to a book recommendation, the Buddha's "Early Buddhist Texts" (of the Pali Canon) are highly recommended. There's a lot of material there, but well worth reading, IMHO.

Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?

#14

Post by drewcoo »

awb wrote: post #6

The book Non-violent Communication is a great way to “do no harm” in challenging conversations. As for practicing empathy and compassion I think real world experience is key. Check out anything to do with “authentic relating”. Here’s a group that offers online and in person classes: https://authenticrelating.co/ But empathy and compassion has to be there naturally (which I’m sure it is as it sounds like you’re empath…

I find NVC to be harmful and passive aggressive when wielded by some people. Any time we talk empathy it can turn into "what someone else just knows you're thinking" and the slippery slope into thought policing. And I've only heard of NVC folks using that.

Personally, I prefer what can be demonstrably shown via past behavior combined with a sense of charity.

Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?

#16

Post by mettamage »

Search Inside Yourself by Chade-Meng Tan

I learned a meditation from there called Tonglen. It’s hardcore. I have only done it a few times in my life but it really made me want to help alleviate suffering from other people a lot more after doing that a few times.

The whole book is also littered with scientific studies about meditation. So it can explain things clearly to very sceptical minds, like mine ;)

Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?

#17

Post by crate_barre »

I’ve burned bridges by sharing too much with people all of a sudden. Baggage dropping on others all of a sudden is overwhelming for both sides. The listening party feels overwhelmed and unable to help and recedes into ‘please get professional help’, and the speaking party recedes into guilt and shame and thinks ‘I should have never told you anything’.

It takes a relationship where things can be off loaded in more manageable pieces. Boundaries are easier to set as well when both sides only move a few inches in each direction. If you are given too much info, you’ll just punt the football back 50 yards into ‘I can’t deal with all of this’.

With all that said, very few average people have the incentive to take on something like this. You would need an intimate relationship, but even there, even parents, best friends or SO’s can be overwhelmed.

Don’t even try this shit with coworkers. But if you must, you have to keep the topics very scoped and piecemeal. Just like project management.

I am speaking mostly from the baggage-dropping side.

Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?

#18

Post by rramadass »

Buddhism to the Rescue! In particular; you may find the Tibetan Lojong (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lojong) practices very helpful;

1) Mind Training: The Great Collection translated by Thupten Jinpa. - A large collection of Texts.

2) Essential Mind Training: Tibetan Wisdom for Daily Life translated by Thupten Jinpa - A subset of texts from The Great Collection above.

3) Words of My Perfect Teacher: A Complete Translation of a Classic Introduction to Tibetan Buddhism by Patrul Rinpoche - Relevant instruction manual.

Empathy, Compassion, Comfort require fundamental changes to one's psyche and behaviour to be authentic and this is where the above texts are helpful. Take what makes sense to you and leave the rest.

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