Ask HN: Is it possible to train oneself to be calmer/kinder?

B. Look to your health in the moment as well. While raising special needs kids, I learned that a glass of water, something to eat and/or a short nap was often the difference between losing my shit and continuing to rise to the occasion. So, stop, go to the break room and take care of yourself for 5 minutes. Then deal with it.

C. Journal and work on the person in the mirror. Often, things get a rise out of us more because of baggage from the past than because of how bad it really is right now.

D. Do volunteer work in something that exposes you to problems that get a big reaction out of you. Having perspective can be very valuable for keeping your cool in the face of stressful work situations. If you deal with life threatening, messy problems on the weekend as a volunteer, most problems that come up in an office job just won't get past your callouses enough to get under your skin.

E. Educate yourself on how to effectively solve various problems. Knowing you can fix it is probably the single biggest source of calm in the face of a tempest. So up your game. Figure out what your weak areas are and start filling them in.

Look up nonviolent communication; there’s a lot of workshop recordings on YouTube.

Some of the things I like about the practice:

- provides a solid scalable framework of understanding behavior (all actions are seen as driven by universal human needs, all feelings are indicators of needs met or not met)

- effortless compassion - looking for the needs behind behavior helps connecting to the underlying driving forces that guide your actions, and recognize that at any time you’re doing your best with what you have (current thoughts, emotions, rest and blood sugar levels etc.)

- empowered commitment to take responsibility for meeting your own needs. Deeply compassionate self-care.

- communicating your disagreement and disappointment in a non-confrontational way, opening possibility for understanding and connection in conflicting situations.

- communicating requests in a clean way, without hooks or manipulation

- communicating appreciation in a way that conveys the person’s contribution and enriches their life, without transfer of power or manipulation.

- while nonviolent, it is very powerful. Being aware of and committed to meeting your needs helps you being a good guardian. For example in a boring conversation, a person who is aware of her needs, and committed to meeting them, would interrupt the second she feels uninterested, communicate her list of interest in a non-offensive way (“while I am enjoying speaking with you, I am noticing my attention drifting. I think I’ve reached the limit to my interest in racing cars. Appreciate your excitement about them, brings me joy to witness your passion.”)

Some of the challenges with the practice is that much of it has to do with language and that sometime leads to an intellectual approach to teaching it. The way I teach is much more embodied so that my students can ground the practice in their emotional response/physical reality.

Also, if you are angry and I compassionate towards with yourself, it’s quite hard to be genuinely compassionate toward others.