Ask HN: "Dumbing yourself down" around your peers?

To what extent do you do this and why? How has it affected you, and your relationships with people?

I've been doing it my whole life (I'm 30) because I felt that it would be easier to fit in with most people. So when I hear people confidently repeat urban myths like "we only use 10% of our brains", or "you'll drown if you don't eat an hour before swimming" etc, I don't bother trying to explain why I think they're wrong. Some people take it too personally (because of their ego, perhaps), and if they think you do it too often they tend to avoid your company for various reasons. Then there are times I avoid discussion of a topic completely because it tends to happen at a very superficial level or from a very narrow perspective (maybe because of things like lack of understanding or confirmation bias). I find that when I try to expand on certain areas of discussion I just get blank stares. So I usually just stick to topics like gossip, sport, women, cars, or I let other people do most of the talking. Obviously all individuals (and my relationships with them) are different to a degree, but these are some of the things I tend to see and do.

Anyway, I'm 30 now and I think "dumbing myself down" (at least on an intellectual level) has really taken it's toll on me. I never really had a big problem with managing relationships with people but it's getting to the point where I find conversations with my friends unbearable. eg. Last night I was on my phone reading HN and reddit while a group of us were in a lounge at some club (we had just come from a strip-club). I've vented occasionally about how I felt about this to my mom and she always says I should get new friends. The problem is that part of trying to fit in is emulating the behaviour of your peers. When I was younger, I was hung out with the street-thug type (avoided crime and drugs though). Then I left that for the clubbing and partying scene (took me a while to adjust). After leaving college I found there are very few people with my interests and lifestyle. They usually tend to fall into one group or the other. To put it simply, the one group is smart but boring, the other group is exciting but being around them is a mind-numbing experience. I've tried having two sets of friends but it didn't work out that well. I could also try changing my social circles again but where to next? And I don't really feel like changing my lifestyle again. Perhaps balance is the key, but finding people with the right balance is not that easy.

In the meantime I've resorted back to my (unhealthy) hacker nature. Dark bedroom, bright monitor, and 20 tabs open in a browser.

Anyone else going/been through something similar? How do you cope/are you coping?

Look for more friends, just because the rule is that one group is smart but lame, and the other is dumb and fun, doesn't mean that there aren't people who are both.

There are plenty of people who are smart and fun, and plenty who are dumb and lame.

Sure you'll have to work harder to find those people, but it should be worth it, to keep your identity

I think what is happening to you is pretty normal. My advice to you is to be more honest with yourself and with your friendships. If your friends are boring you change up the conversation or suggest doing something exciting. If your friends seem dumb then keep trying to talk about intellectually stimulating things.

If you feel like all hope is lost, get out of your bubble. Try a new activity. Go travel for an extended period of time. You have to be fun, exciting, and interesting yourself before you start attracting the same types of people.

you strike me as an arrogant tool, probably only half as smart as you think you are

I felt like that until I was 19. I joined Mensa, and found people who loved puzzles, knowledge, intelligence and discussion.

When I moved town and did my PhD I found the local Mensans complete prats, but the university gave me the stimulation I needed.

You need to find people with whom you can be yourself, but equally, you need to learn how to get on with people in general. I learned a lot from Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People." It's almost a manual for how to problem-solve your way through the challenge of social interaction. Recognise that others have needs and desires, and sometimes that means you shouldn't try to educate them. There are times when it's of no value.

Recognise too that sometimes others are just as smart as you, but in different fields of expertise. Learn to learn from them.

Stay true to yourself, learn to interact with people generally, respect people as individuals, ...

Seek out those with whom you can be yourself.

They do exist.