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Ask HN: Educating a child who is severely behind

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Ask HN: Educating a child who is severely behind

#1

Post by jwdunne »

I am in a relationship with a lady who has a 3 year old son. I've grown to love him like he's my own child.

It's clear that he's behind in terms of development due to lack of attention in the first two years of his life, for reasons I don't completely blame his mother but reasons I don't feel are appropriate to disclose.

I'm currently focusing on helping his speech and potty training as a priority, with helping in other areas and being a general father figure. I believe my efforts have paid off because I've been told his rate of development has been remarkable since I became involved.

I was just wondering if anybody who has a child or has studied this area has any extra ideas for my to try? Are there any techniques or methods I can employ to help his development along further?

I'm asking here because this is hacker news and its going to take a seriously effective and elegant hack to get this kid where he needs to be a d further. I can't stand to see a clearly intelligent child locked behind a wall of impeded speech and behaviours typical to a 1 year old.

I eventually want to to teach him the wonders of computers and how to tell them what to do. It will be very hard if we can't communicate effectively.

Re: Ask HN: Educating a child who is severely behind

#2

Post by kvnn »

Don't look for hacks. Look for ways to instill healthy habits and skills that he can use for the rest of his life. I'm glad you brought up potty training and speech, because those are both great examples.

For speech, I recommend having conversations with him as you would an adult, and try to keep eye contact often enough that he sees your mouth as you speak. Don't hound him on mis pronunciations but feel free to correct him as you would a friend who is trying to learn English. Be as sensitive as you would be toward a friend if he gets frustrated or ashamed.

For potty training, he'll need a solid week at home with a toilet he is comfortable going in. Don't take him somewhere unless you can bring the toilet with you. I've brought it in the car before :O . Keep him naked or in regular underwear and be clear what the goal is. sometimes a treat after going in the potty works well. Someone will have to run him to the bathroom at times.

For whatever he likes (dinosaurs, animals, trucks), work on the names of different types. Flash cards work well : http://www.amazon.com/Animals-All-Kinds-Flash-Cards/dp/09382... . My daughter loves going through those while eating - she asks for them and we treat them like a reward for eating her food by herself (one bite, one card). She happens to not really like food.

Get good nutrition going immediately. Vegetables, fruit, and everything else you eat (stomache, allergy and spice issues permitting). Don't start juice if he isn't used to it, and water it down if he is.

Get the mom on the same page. And, remember, he's not your son. If you are going to treat him as your son, do what you can to make that official so that the risks of losing him are reduced. Marry, adopt, whatever. Or be cognizant to distance yourself a bit and be like an uncle.

I'm just a dad, not an expert. Ask away and let me know if anything sounds off. Where are you located?

Good luck :) . Thanks for making the world bettah.

Re: Ask HN: Educating a child who is severely behind

#3

Post by kvnn »

kvnn wrote: post #2

Don't look for hacks. Look for ways to instill healthy habits and skills that he can use for the rest of his life. I'm glad you brought up potty training and speech, because those are both great examples. For speech, I recommend having conversations with him as you would an adult, and try to keep eye contact often enough that he sees your mouth as you speak. Don't hound him on mis pronunciations but feel free to corr…

And, there is no rush. Do not rush. The goal is to create a happy, healthy and capable person - not an impressive 5 year old. This is coming from someone who's wife spends most of her time educating and caring for his kids, who are therefore advanced relative to peers: it's not that important.

It IS important for kids to have caretakers who give them attention, opportunity to be capable for life and economy, and a happy and stimulating environment.

Working towards these things with your kid is literally more important than these things making your kid more developed.

Also: don't smoke or perform other bad habits around him. Nail biting, drinking, getting angry, gossiping, etc. These are negative habits that will rub off.

Re: Ask HN: Educating a child who is severely behind

#4

Post by obviouslygreen »

kvnn wrote: post #2

Don't look for hacks. Look for ways to instill healthy habits and skills that he can use for the rest of his life. I'm glad you brought up potty training and speech, because those are both great examples. For speech, I recommend having conversations with him as you would an adult, and try to keep eye contact often enough that he sees your mouth as you speak. Don't hound him on mis pronunciations but feel free to corr…

Don't look for hacks.

This is almost always good advice, but I think it bears repeating as the crux of this extremely insightful post. And honestly: HN is NOT the place to look for this. I think you're lucky to have someone like kvnn responding up top but you're likely to soon be mired in god knows what.

Go be a dad. Do it the way dads have done it forever: Off the cuff, the best they know how. He'll benefit a lot more from your honest attempts and interaction than anyone else's poor attempts at Best Practices for Other People.

Good luck, and as an adoptee, I thank you for being a good dad to a kid who needs one!

Re: Ask HN: Educating a child who is severely behind

#5

Post by jwdunne »

obviouslygreen wrote: post #4
kvnn wrote: post #2

Don't look for hacks. Look for ways to instill healthy habits and skills that he can use for the rest of his life. I'm glad you brought up potty training and speech, because those are both great examples. For speech, I recommend having conversations with him as you would an adult, and try to keep eye contact often enough that he sees your mouth as you speak. Don't hound him on mis pronunciations but feel free to corr…

Don't look for hacks. This is almost always good advice, but I think it bears repeating as the crux of this extremely insightful post. And honestly: HN is NOT the place to look for this. I think you're lucky to have someone like kvnn responding up top but you're likely to soon be mired in god knows what. Go be a dad. Do it the way dads have done it forever: Off the cuff, the best they know how. He'll benefit a lot mo…

Perhaps I am wrong for seeking hacks or word it as such. I guess what I was asking for is clever andgood advice from a community I know from first hand experience is full of smart people, some of which I'm banking on them having children.

Truth is I'm young and I've never been in this position before. I've also missed out on those first two years with no idea of the damage done.

Thanks to both of you for taking the time to give me advice. It means a tonne. I think I'm getting a bit frustrated as would anyone in my position.

@kvnn I am from Manchester, UK :)

Re: Ask HN: Educating a child who is severely behind

#6

Post by ars »

This applies more to an older child, but maybe it will help you.

Usually a older child can catch up, because the older child learns faster than a younger one. This is good - but it has one problem: If the catching up child skips basic practice and drills, he may still know the material (i.e. he caught up), but he's missing something.

For example teaching an older child the times table - he'll be able to learn it easily. But without the constant drills and practice he won't know the numbers off the top of his head as quickly as another child.

This can harm him (his learning) later in life. So my message is don't skip the drills! In your case you don't really need to drill potty training or speaking, since this is something everyone does constantly anyway.

But if you notice anyplace where he knows the material, but is just not as fast, and smooth, at it as he should be, then give him extra practice in it.

Re: Ask HN: Educating a child who is severely behind

#10

Post by jwdunne »

ars wrote: post #8
lignuist wrote: post #7

One word: love

Just a little caution: If you are not going to stay with this child for life, then please be very careful of his emotions. Loss of attachment is really really really hard on children.

I fully intend on being there for him for the rest of his life and me and his mother are deeply in love. We are hoping to get married some time next year :)
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