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Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

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Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#1

Post by jascination »

Worth saying up front: This isn't for a startup idea or anything like that, just keen to learn from the more-stable-than-Reddit minds of HN so I can get ideas for myself.

We have twin girls who are ~6mo old, and we're finally getting out of the "survival" stage and getting to the "parenting" stage. I'm finding that there are so many different schools of thought about absolutely everything, from pregnancy/birth to sleep training to Montessori to gentle parenting.

Specific things I'm curious about:

- Did you think about what sort of parent you'd like to be and work backwards?

- Did you think about what makes a good kid and work backwards?

- Did you align with a "style" of parenting?

- How did you use technology to help you?

- Did you keep your kids away from technology (like watching TV) for the first couple of years or just go for it?

- What would you do differently if you had your time again?

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#2

Post by DamonHD »

If you provide a stable supportive home environment and encourage curiousity then evidence suggests [1] that their life outcomes will likely be optimal. Helicopter parenting, cramming, etc, only briefly push up the metrics. (My two are teens.)

And that, your hono[u]r is the justification for my parenting style!

[1] Blueprint, Robert Plomin, 2018

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#3

Post by LTheobald »

Going to sit back & watch this one with interest. I imagine you're going to get a certain flavour of comments from the HN crowd...

My advice will be that every child is different. You'll get given 101 bits of advice & most of it will be useless in your context. When you do find something that works for you, great - stick with it. Even if it looks crazy to other people, if it works for you then that's all that matters.

Don't try to hard. There's no perfect parent or perfect child. Do what you think is best & the children will turn out just fine.

(Parent of a 10yr girl who just didn't sleep & a 6yr boy who thankfully did)

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#4

Post by thiago_fm »

All those "school of thought" are just trends.

Good parenthood is about being present and giving them attention, helping them understand the world and so on.

Preventing them to completely use technology is BS. Let them use them, but going back to what I've said before, you need to be present in their lives. This means if they are spending too much time with it, it's up to you to enforce limits.

But don't be a rude or too invasive parent, as they'll grow old and in around 12 years or so, they will start to judge you a lot and will become much more independent, you want them to have good childhood memories and remember that they have a supportive parent, not live full of resentment because their parents were so anal about following a trendy parenting method.

Help them to build relationship with friends and live in a safe community. Avoid having high expectations of them and just let them live peacefully their lives and make their own choices.

Let them from early on to make their own calls, even if you dislike it. This is where parents usually fail, they don't let their kids do what they want. And of course, if those calls don't work well, make sure they feel responsible for it.

Don't get them into 10 different activities, like music, swimming, football and so on, so they find their "gift" or some kind of BS. Let them do what they want and help them follow their interests.

In the end, you have much less control than you think you do.

Also, as you added 2 new human beings to the world, make sure you invest time on them. If you'll pay for a nanny, have them most of the day at school and so on and excuse yourself for doing those things to "put money at the table" or whatever excuse... start by changing yourself and finding a career that enables you to give them time.

Your time is the most precious resource you can give them.

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#5

Post by leandot »

- Spend quality time with them (not browsing your phone while you pretend to play).

- Kids learn from your behavior, not from what you say. So if you tell them to clean but you don't, it won't work.

- If you want them to do something, you can spend hours arguing and pushing them with no success. But if you offer to help (even if you don't do anything really), they'll gladly do it together with you.

- Kids do not need expensive toys, I've thrown away tons of costly buys, while they choose to play with some paper packaging or a wooden stick found outside.

- Read stories every evening before you put them to bed. They will want to read later.

- Just be yourself, they don't judge.

- Also, sometimes they're just too young for what you expect them to be able to do. Until 3-4, they operate mostly on emotions.

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#6

Post by rsj_hn »

thiago_fm wrote: post #4

All those "school of thought" are just trends. Good parenthood is about being present and giving them attention, helping them understand the world and so on. Preventing them to completely use technology is BS. Let them use them, but going back to what I've said before, you need to be present in their lives. This means if they are spending too much time with it, it's up to you to enforce limits. But don't be a rude or…

Parenting strategies, like war plans, rarely survive first contact with the enemy.

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#7

Post by rapsey »

Like most I try to avoid doing my parents mistakes. Probably doing a bunch of new ones though. Can't avoid that.

As for general advice, kids are just really different. What works for some people is a combination of parent and child. There is no one size fits all approach.

As for TV/youtube, one of our kids can get quite obsessive about things. So we had to tell him the TV is broken and it is too expensive to fix. Because he had to learn to entertain himself more.

Regardles screen time should be very limited and a reward for good behavior.

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#8

Post by rcarmo »

I'd spend more time with them and less worrying about how do do things. Every human has an innate sense of what is "right", and over-complicating things or getting into decision paralysis is not the way.

Let them explore stuff. Get their feet into a few puddles. Encourage experimentation. Tech is just a part of things, and although I thing it is too addictive these days by design, allowing curated access is fine, as long as stopping using it becomes part of the routine (any kids will nearly always prefer to be with you than watch TV if you're doing something interesting).

Re: Ask HN: What's your approach to raising kids?

#9

Post by psiops »

You don't need any technology to be a parent. It won't help you. Limiting screentime is a good idea IMO. Especially when they are really small, you want them to experience and interact with what is real. A crayon and piece of paper is much better for learning fine motor skills and processing sensory input than an ipad with a drawing app. We still limit screen time for our three kids ages 8 thru 12. We don't keep them from technology at all, but we do put a hard cap on it so they know how it feels to be bored.
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