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Ask HN: What do you look for in a romantic partner?

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Ask HN: What do you look for in a romantic partner?

#1

Post by mclbdn »

What do you value the most in a romantic partner?

I'm currently in a situation where I have 2 people in my life:

A long-term partner that I've been with for almost 5 years(last 2 years open relationship). They are super fun and chill and make me feel good, but their irresponsibility is driving me nuts and I cannot imagine them being like this once we have kids. They have almost no goals and give up on things easily.

My new partner is a medical doctor. We hang out pretty much all the time and are able to talk about intellectual and spiritual things and I can definitely imagine having an "adult life" with them, but they are a bit too serious and lack fun.

The reason I'm asking here on HN and not Reddit/Quora is that the majority of HN readers are probably, personality-wise, a bit like me: most likely introverted, pragmatically-thinking nerds that I can mostly relate to.

Also, sorry for my bad English, it's not my first language.

Re: Ask HN: What do you look for in a romantic partner?

#4

Post by srvmshr »

It was not necessary for me to find a partner in the same field (CS/Engineering). Much rather I thought being a nerd, my opinions could have conflicted a lot had my partner been a co-worker. I ended up falling in love and marrying a language major.

My 2 cents: Look for compatibility. Partners should be able to tolerate or even encourage each other's tastes. I like books. She loves music. 4 years later, I know more about classical music by indulging her & she cursorily knows what's happening in the tech / ML scene & appreciate the challenges in my job.

We don't take ourselves very seriously. Keeping ego aside is very important. Making a clear division of responsibilities too. I nitpick on folding clothes & keeping organized. She takes care of the letters, paperwork & bills/credit card.

Conjugal relationship needs to be healthy but not an absolute make-or-break. Humor, honesty & keeping each other in good company are far more valuable. Looks fade, jokes go out of fashion, clothes & get-up even faster so - what counts is if the person is your "go-to-person" when any crisis falls. Fun times only last so much. Crisis & difficulties test the true character of a relationship. If you think this person is more likely to stick with you, whether fun or serious, that person counts in your life.

Edit: Its much easier for a serious person to loosen up, but quite hard for an irresponsible person to be responsible.

Re: Ask HN: What do you look for in a romantic partner?

#6

Post by cko »

I'm that person who hates responsibility and wants everything not serious. I think I'd prefer someone similar. That said, though I shirk responsibility, I think it's because I know how heavy it could be, so when I do have (for example) someone to take care of, I take it seriously.

What I learned from my current relationship is that I'm less chill than I thought I was, and that certain behavior patterns only show up later on, or are dependent on how much time is spent together in a day.

Re: Ask HN: What do you look for in a romantic partner?

#9

Post by MandieD »

I’ll give you the old saw: who do you want to share a checkbook with? Not exactly literally - my husband and I have always had very separate accounts due to the weird issues being a US citizen abroad presents, but we still share a common financial future. And a kid.

Money fights are the cause of a lot of divorces.

Speaking of kids, the responsibility factor is even more important. And the sexy fun factor is even less. (The jokes about parents not having sex anymore are not about a loss of attractiveness)

However, if you do consider committing to a partner with a serious career, discuss who is going to be the one, in the end, who will take the career hit of being the primary caretaker. My husband takes our kid to daycare most days, puts him to bed most nights, and takes him out to play on off days. He jumps in to change diapers when available. He is fantastic.

However, I’m the one who drops everything and runs to daycare if they call, and attempts to work while watching him if he can’t go. My colleagues are familiar with my kid; my husband’s are not. We decided long before our kid came along that as an IT professional, I was in a better position to recover from the hit. It’s still a harder hit than I thought it would be.

Re: Ask HN: What do you look for in a romantic partner?

#10

Post by mungoman2 »

MandieD wrote: post #9

I’ll give you the old saw: who do you want to share a checkbook with? Not exactly literally - my husband and I have always had very separate accounts due to the weird issues being a US citizen abroad presents, but we still share a common financial future. And a kid. Money fights are the cause of a lot of divorces. Speaking of kids, the responsibility factor is even more important. And the sexy fun factor is even less…

Very interesting perspective, thanks for sharing! I'm curious about the hit you mention? Could you expand a bit on what consequences you are experiencing?
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